Heartbreak Diet
by SomewhereOnlyWeKnow070897
Summary: After Clare's Mom died she is left heartbroken and unable to speak. Can Eli bring her back to the path of love and forgiveness or will he just hurt her more?
1. Chapter 1

**First of all I do not own Degrassi. The first fanfiction I have ever read was about Clare getting** **raped in the winter at a party Alli forced her to come to, losing her ability to speak and meeting Eli at a cemetary. They were like each others rock. I kept looking for it again but I could never find it. I didn't have an account at this time so I couldn't add it to my favorites. If this plotline sounds familiar to you can you tell me it's title. Anyways I was so inspired this story that I decided to write a story about Clare not being able to talk. So...here you go...=)...Review**

"We're sorry, we tried everything but she didn't make it," the doctor said sincerely. The words rung around in my head like a catchy song but I couldn't grasp their meaning. _We're sorry, we tried everything but she didn't make it. _That's impossible, I'm only fourteen I couldn't lose her. In my peripheral vision I see my sister drop to her knees as her tears fell down her angry face. She started screaming at the doctor, telling him, begging him to keep trying but he had done everything possible. He walked away awkwardly after sending my sister a sympathetic glance. My dad wrapped his arms around my emotionally distressed sister but she kept kicking and screaming. My dad just held her tighter. She gave in and melted into his arms, crying softly into his shoulder while her body shook violently. My Dad looked at me with eyes that asked _are-you-okay._ I couldn't feel the ground beneath me. This had to be a joke. I opened my mouth but nothing came out. I felt like I was choking on my own sadness. She wasn't dead. I was going to be in high-school next year, I needed her advice. This was a joke. When I get home my Mom will be waiting for me. She will ask me how my day was just like every other day. I grabbed my coat and started running towards the exit. I have to go home, Mom will be waiting for me. I heard my Dad call after me but I ignored him; I can't leave Mom waiting. My Mom isn't dead...I can't believe I fell for this sick joke.

Half way to my house it started drizzling but I had to get home. My mom can't be alone, she's sick. I wasn't going to let the rain stop me. The rain poured down my body, getting heavier by the minute but I kept on walking. Realization started to kick in. **My mom is dead. **I felt like someone punched me in the stomach, knocking the wind out of me. My legs buckled beneath me causing me to fall to the ground. My knees scraped against the wet ground causing a seering pain to shoot through my body but nothing could compare to the pain in my chest. I was numb to the world. Soon my tears fell in sync with the rain. My hair dampened turning my curls to a natural straight. I felt the water soak through my clothes. I shivered as I tucked my knees in my arms and rocked back and forth. The water continued to run down my skin partially from the rain and partially from the tears. I could feel my lips quiver and my eyes swell. I tried to scream but my vocal chords refused to move so I cried harder. I was dragged into an ocean of silence. The streets were eerily quiet. All I could hear was the rain hitting the ground and the occasional clap of thunder. I don't know how long I was in this position when I realized that my family was probably worried so I got up, gripping onto the wall near me for support. I was weak but my house was only two blocks away so I sucked it up. The rain was still poring and so were my tears.

When I got to my home I took off my shoes and walked into the living room in hope that my mom was there and I was just being paranoid. When I got into the living room I was relieved to see her smiling face...bordered by a wooden frame. That's the only way I'll be able to see her from now on, in pictures or in my memory. In twenty years, her face will only be a blur. The tears came down harder and the pain was like a bullet to the chest. Through my blurry vision I could see a glass cross next to my Mom's picture. In the cross there were letters that read:

**Clare Edwards**

**Darcy Edwards**

**Randall Edwards**

**Helen Edwards**

**God Is Always With You**

This was a gift the church gave us when my Mom was diagnosed with cancer. Lies. If God was with us, my Mom would still be alive. I prayed every night. I begged him to let her live, to give her the life she deserved. He didn't listen. A hint of anger and betrayal took over my body and I involuntarily grabbed the cross and chucked it at the wall. It shattered into thousands of tiny peices...just like my heart. I went over to the glass with every intention to pick it up but instead I had the urge to step on it so I did. Tiny shreads of glass ripped through my socks and sliced my skin, digging deep into my flesh. It hurt but deep down I was relieved, this is one thing I can control. Sooner than I would've like, the pain was unbearable, not because I was stepping on glass but because I could never laugh with my mom again or have any of her home made pies. I walked over to the sofa not caring that the glass was going deeper and deeper into my feet. I layed on the sofa, letting my blood coat it. I fell into deep slumber thinking I could get my mind off things, I was wrong.

_ "Come here Clare!" my mom chimed happily The sunlight illuminated her face making her look like an angel._

_ "Mom?" I ask. How could she be here? She was dead._

_ "What_ _Clare? You act like you've never seen me before."_

_ "I thought you were dead," I stated._

_ "Who told you that lie?" my Mom laughed._

_ "The doctor."_

_ "Clare, honey, I'm healthier than a horse!" _

_ "Come here Clare. Come, come," she said but with every word her voice became more distant. Her body started to slowly faded away_

_ "Mom!" I screamed._

_ "Clare," she yelled._

_ "Mom! Where did you go?"_

_ "Clare!" her voice came out more masculine this time. _

I flutter my eyes open to see my Dad with a worried expression etched on his face.

"What happened?" he asked.

I tried to speak but I felt like I was getting stabbed in the throat. The numbness of my nap erased itself. I could feel the fresh pain in my feet and my head. I had a headache and my body felt strained. I let out a high pitched screech as I tried to kick the blanket off me but it only caused the glass to sink in deeper. I blinked a couple times trying to suck my tears back in but with every blink a tear managed to escape. I ended up crying harder than ever.

"Why is there blood on the couch?" he asked.

Once again I tried to speak but nothing came out. The words wouldn't form on the tip of my toungue, it was like an itch that I couldn't scratch. Instead of talking, I lifted the quilt covering my still bleeding feet. Immediately after I did this my Dad's eyes wandered down. When he saw my feet his eyes widened.

"Oh Clare," my Dad whispered softly as tears formed in his bloodshot eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

**MadameDegrassi96-Awwww...thank you, thank you, thank you. This chapter and the rest of them to come are dedicated to you!**

**10 Reviews gets you a new chapter...=)**

_ It's been three days since my mother's death and I have been crying myself to sleep every night. I still haven't spoken a word. My Dad tries to help but nothing seems to work so he wants me to see a therapist. Today is my Mom's funeral. I'm not ready to say goodbye but it has to happen sometime. I have faded away from my floral dresses and have began to wear sweats, t-shirts and sweaters that are two sizes too big. I don't care though, I'm not in the mood to get pretty. Plus it covers all the scars that are left on my body from when I cut myself. My Dad's trying to hide things that I can use to hurt myself but I always find them. I always feel in control when I cut and if it makes me happy (or at least content) then what's the problem? _

_ I walk to the place she will be buried with my sister and father. My feet were reluctant to move, if it weren't for my father who guided me than I would've never gotten to say goodbye. I hear the priest speak but I don't comprehend what he's saying. I see Darcy begin to cry as everyone was giving their speeches about how amazing my Mom was. I didn't know half the people there and that got me aggravated. What right do they have to intrude into my sadness? They probably weren't there for my Mom when she needed them so why were they here now? No one deserves to interrupt my goodbye. _

_ I picked up a handful of dirt and let it run through my fingers. It cascaded onto my mother's casket. She looks so peaceful, like nothing was wrong; like she was not about to be sheilded from the world by piles and piles of dirt. This is when I really cry. I know her battle with life is over. I begin to cry hysterically as the ground comes up to meet me. I black out before my head hits the ground._

I have this same dream every night. It's bad enough I had to live through it once but now I have to deal with it every night after. It hurts more everytime. I wake up in my bed, sprawled in an awkward position. I want to scream and I always try but I end up gasping for air. I'm on mute to the world and its been that way since a year and a half ago when my Mom died. I used to cry when I woke up from the nightmare, cry because I couldn't stop them from haunting me. Then, I tried to stop them by not going to sleep but I always ended up dozing off. I'm all out of tears now so I usually just rock in my bed until the night is over and it's time for school. My Dad is so used to it, he stopped trying to help me because whenever he tried, he would fail.

I walked up the steps of Degrassi as the cold December wind attacked my face. I was wearing grey sweats, a black t-shirt that was barely visible under my extra large sweater. You would think people would help me be happier at this school but they just keep on reminding me why I'm sad in the first place. They call me all sorts of things like, Princess Cuts Herself, Chemo-Emo, and sometimes, if I'm lucky, they call me Scare Clare. I mean how old are we? Sometimes people call me a whore which I don't get at all because I've never had a boyfriend but apparantely that's the most popular name to pick on girls with. But guess who doesn't care? Me!

I was about to reach my locker when I notice a student who was covered in black from head to toe. I walk up to my locker which is right next to 's locker. He flashes me a smirk but my face stays the same. I don't smile a lot. You have to be really special to me to get a smile. He stares me down with his unrealistic looking eyes. They were a beautiful deep green with a darker rim. His pupils were so tiny that they got lost in the green. They were breath taking, which led me to believe that they were contacts.

"Hi, I'm Eli."

_Hi, I don't give a damn. _I so desperately want to say but I can't. Obviously. I just stare at him in silence.

"Wow, you should win a Noble Peace Prize," he says sarcastically. I just clutch onto my books and walk away. As I was walking away I heard him whisper "bitch" under his breathe. I just walk away and pretend to be unphased by his hurtful words.

When I get to English I sit in my seat and wait for the bell to ring. It's a good thing I like English. I can't speak so it feels good that I can express my thoughts on paper. I don't understand why I can't speak, neither do the doctor, physciatrist and therapist I see. All I know is that everytime I try to speak, I end up choking on thin air.

I slouch in my chair in frustration. I hate waiting for class to start. I can't talk so it's not like I can start a conversation for the time to pass. I usually just sit there. I started mindlessly playing with the hem of my sweater. I wonder if anyone knew that beyond my scarred body was a dark past. I wonder if anyone knows that I don't have a heart. It was buried along side my mother. But most of all, I wonder if anyone cares. Does anyone care that I lost my passion? Does anyone care that I lost my determination? Does anyone care that I lost everything? If no one else cares then why should I? My eyes are glued to my shaky hands as spoke.

"I'd like to welcome our new student, Elijah Goldsworthy," chimes.

"Please, call me Eli," Eli says confidentally. I could almost feel every girl around me melt at my feet. I just rolled my eyes and continued to plays with my fingers.

"Nice seeing you Mother Nature," Eli jokes.

I, of course, just stared into his eyes. I put on my poker face, showing no emotion at all. I purposely tried to peirce his soul with my eyes. I could feel him grow uncomfortable as he blinked, breaking my stare, and turned around in his seat which was ironically, exactly in front of mine.

"We will be working in partners this marking period," stated. I could of sworn that every girl in the class besides me stared at Eli, urging him to be their partner. What is with girls and the new kid?

"I took the liberty to choose your partners," said unaware that that simple sentence broke so many female hearts, except mine. I really don't care for Eli, he's full of himself. was reading down the list, I wasn't listening until she reached my name.

"Clare, you will be working with Eli."

Oh joy! Out of all the girls she could've paired him with, she chose me. On ' cue Eli turned around in his seat.

"Howdy Partner," Eli chimed. I tried to say hi to not seem rude but it was hopeless. I looked at him, trying to explain everything with my eyes but to not avail.

"I don't know what I did to you to deserve your silence but whatever it is, I'm sorry," he said sincerely. I just looked into his eyes, pleading him to understand that I'm not trying to be rude. That must've been an epic fail because his facial features harden and his eyes narrowed.

"Wait, why am I apologizing. It's clear that you're a self-absorbed bitch who doesn't have the guts to express her feelings through words," he spat. I just clenched my teeth and rolled my eyes as called him over. She was probably going to tell him about my speaking situation. I saw bewilderment devour his face._ Yup...it's officail...he knows I can't talk. _Soon his bewilderment was taken over by comprehension as Eli walked back towards me. There goes another person that thinks I'm a freak.

"I'm so sorry," he said. I bet you are, DUMB FUCK! I felt like yelling but since I know it was no use I just rolled my eyes, pulled my notebook out and started writing. Eli took the hint and turned around in his desk so he could begin writing.

**A/N: I do not own Degrassi. If you are confused the top that was in italics was a flashback of Clare's mother's funeral. She has dreamt about it for the past year and a half.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hope you enjoy...=)...10 reviews gets you a new chapter.**

Sooner than later the bell rang, signaling us to get to our next class. Eli bolts out the room but I take my time to pack my things, I wasn't in a rush to get to Math. By the time I get out of my seat, everyone's long gone. To my luck I forgot my Math book in my locker.

I walk through the halls to get to my locker. Or atleast I tried to. There were like six girls trying to talk to Eli. What was the big deal? Sure he was attractive but there were thousands of guys like that at Degrassi. I make my way through the pile of girls. I get my textbook and my emergency sticky notes that I accidentally left in my locker during first period. After I get all the things I need out of my locker I close it. When I turn around I see that the pile of girls doubled and they wouldn't let me get through. Aren't they supposed to be making there way towards class too? I take out my sticky notes and a pen.

Tell your groupies to get out of my way!

I shove the note in his face and wait until he finished reading it. I realize he's done when a smirk creeps onto his face.

"Jealous much?" Eli chimes.

FUCK YOU!

I rip the sticky note off the patch and slap it onto his face. Once he gets over the fact that I slapped him, he rips the note off his face and read it. Once he is done he chuckles.

"No need to get so feisty!"

"Eli did she hurt you," Jenna exclaims.

"I'm fine," Eli says nonchalantly.

"She is just mad because she tries to get attention by pretending to not be able to talk but no one gives it to her," Jenna says with her annoying voice. I didn't do anything to this beach blonde tramp! She has no right to bring up my personal life. I didn't choose to be mute, it just happened. Anger boiled in my veins, overtaking any coherant thought that was running through my mind.

Before I knew it my hand came up to say hi to her face. Her skin turned red on contact. I expected her to hit me back. I was literally preparing myself for a fight but she didn't do anything. Instead she fell against my locker and started to cry. It was just like her to overreact. I made my way through the girls who finally managed to move .

"You'll pay for that Edwards," cried a distressed Jenna. I just responded by sticking my middle finger in the air with the hand that wasn't holding my textbook. I heard Jenna gasp and Eli chuckle. I dropped my hand when I noticed my sleeve was slipping up my arm. No one needed to see that.

I walked into Math to be greeted by a screaming Alli. She was covered in pink glitter from head to toe that contrasted her chocolate colored skin. She ambushed me with a hug that almost threw me to the ground. Behind her was a less loud Julia. Julia and Alli have been my bestfriends for as long as I can remember. I met them in fourth grade and they've stayed my friends since then. I can't talk but they've known me since before I lost my voice so they don't care. We can't talk over the phone but that doesn't ruin our friendship. They say I'm a good listener.

"Do you know that new kid Drew?" Alli asks. I nod in response Drew was the quarter back and extremely gorgeous. He was new to the school but it seemed like everyone knew him. I find hi a tad bit cocky. I guess I can't judge since I've never met him but I find it extremely weird that he attracts girls better than flames attract moths.

"He asked me out," she whispers then lets out a short squeal. Even thought I wasn't Drew's number one fan, I was happy for Alli. After her last boyfriend took her virginity and left, she kind of gave up on love. Drew and her would make a beautiful couple. I give her a smile and focus on Julia who was awfully quiet. I start writing on my sticky notes.

What about you? Anyone catch your eye?

Julia reads the note and smiles. Her cheeks turn ten different shades of. People are always intimidated by Julia's dark facade but deep down she's more shy than anyone I have ever met. She looks down at her feet and begins to speak.

"You know that kid Eli. Yeah, I kind of, sort of like him but he would never go for me with all the girl he has to choose from," she mumbles. The she said Eli's name, my heart dropped because Julia could do so much better. I quickly push the thoughts away and begin to write.

Julia, your beautiful, smart, funny and kind. If he can't see that then he's blind.

Julia smiles after she reads the note.

"Thanks," she said. She opened her mouth to speak but she was cut off by the bell. One lecture and one assignment later, the bell went off again. Alli had art while Julia and I had music. We started walking, our arms linked. Out of the corner of my eyes, I see Eli with confusion written all over his face. I nudge Julia until she looks at me. When I have her attention, I point to Eli. She immediately understands and we walk up to Eli.

"Need some help," Julia says flirtasiously as she twirls a peice of hair in her fingers. I just roll my eyes while laughing at how incrediblely stupid she looks. Eli turns around to look at her. A smirk creeping onto his face. Does this kid ever smile?

"Yeah. Do you have any idea where the music room is?" Eli asks.

"Actually, we are on our way there right now. We could walk you. Do you mind Clare?" she asks. I just shrug my shoulders in response. I don't like walking with guys, rumors were automatically started but, honestly speaking, I don't care about what people think. There thoughts about me are already horrible so what does it matter?

"Thanks," Eli says. They are staring at each other for well over a minute until I clear my throat. Julia looks at me in annoyance. I just point my finger to my watch. They understand and we make our way to music. This is going to be a long walk.


	4. Chapter 4

**Here's a new chapter...I would like to thanl those of you who reviewed...Remember how I said 10 reviews per chapter...yeah...forget about that because that takes forever and I just want to write...so enjoy and review!**

I walked ahead of Eli and Julia. I knew that if I were to slow my pace, even by a little bit, I'd be caught between the awkward/sensual glances that were being sent between the two. If felt awkward (I could literally feel the uneasiness in my stomach) as I walked down the lightly filled halls knowing that Julia and Eli were so close to throwing one another against the lockers and attacking each other with their mouth. The sexual tansion in the air was so thick that I could penetrate it with a knife. I could barely breathe when the air was this dense with such a lustful emotion and it didn't help that other people's hot breathe was invading my breathing space.

"Why are you in such a rush to get to class? It's not like we're going to miss anything. It _is _the first day of school," Julia reminded me in a mocking tone. I felt anger ignite its flames inside the pit of my stomach. The flames only doubled in size when I heard Eli chuckle along with her. I hated when people made jokes in reference to the fact that I was smart. Just because I can handle the work doesn't mean I enjoy learning. I hate school just as much as the next teenage kid. However I know how to turn my hatred into an undying passion to succeed. It was time like these that I wished I could talk so I could tell her off. Say something like 'Well maybe if you two weren't having sex with your eyes I would be able to walk at a normal pace BITCH!' Then I realize that I would never have the guts to do that even if her comment hurt me. She was my best friend and I cared for her so I just sighed and walked faster.

We made it to class a couple of minutes late. The new, un-recognizable music teacher sent me a death glare, anger pouring through her blue irises for interrupting her class. I was patiently waiting for Eli or Julia to make an excuse for us being late but there was only silence. I turned away from the teachers murderous glare to find out why Eli or Julia had yet to speak up but my eyes were greeted by empty, silent air. I sighed and looked back at the teacher who mimicked my sigh, pushing her dirty blonde bangs away from her face. The anger in her eyes was slowly disappearing.

"It'll let it slide since it's the first day of school but don't let it happen again. Tardiness is unacceptable and that goes for all of you," she said, directing her attention to the class,"if you are going to show up late to my class without a pass then don't bother showing up at all, I hate interruptions. You may take a seat," she says to me. I do as she says, taking a seat in the back of the classroom.

"Like I was saying. I hate tardiness but you could always get on my good side with a nice cup of chocolate milk with marshmallows. So if you are ever late and happen to have a spare cup of chocolate milk in your locker, I'd advise you to bring it. I just might let you off the hook," she says breaking into a smile as she hears the entire class giggling, "just kidding," she says. I notice that she was wearing a loosely fitted pick shirt, pink boots, a purple scarf and denim jeans. It wasn't the usual attire for teachers and that's when I knew that I was going to enjoy this free spirited teacher's class.

"But in all seriousness, I need to tell you how my class works. I'm not going to force you guys to work because you are adults and I can't tell you what to do but I'll have you know that it will affect your grade. Now if you work hard and dilligently I will give you all an A, plus I will throw in a couple free periods because I know that sometimes you've had a stressful week and you need a break. Just as long as you don't tell my boss," she says with a wink. Yup, I love her.

"Anyways-" But before she could finish her sentence, she was interrupted by a soft knock on the door. She sighed in frustration and opened the door, sending an icy glare to whoever was on the other side.

"You're are late," she dead-panned. The mystery person walked in revealing a teenage girl. Her dark black hair was disheved, her green eyes were filled with lust, her shirt was crinkled up and misplaced, showing her bra strap but most importantly, her name was Julia and she was followed by Eli. A satisfied smirk plastered on his face.

"I'm sorry, I was helping the new kid find his way to class," Julia said innocently, fixing her shirt and running a hand through her hair. Eli nodded in agreement. 'Or they were living out some sex-crazed fantasy' I muttered in my head and rolled my eyes to a point were I'd thought they'd pop out my head. I honestly felt disgusted that I was even associated with Julia right now. It was obvious that her and Eli were getting it done in the hallway. Who did Julia think she was, interrupting the learning process just because she needed a quick fix? Why would she disgrace and degrade herself by doing something like that just to please a mildly attractive, horomonal, sexist, teenage boy? What image was she setting for women?

"Don't let it happen again."

Eli and Julia nodded simaltaniously as they plopped down in the seats next to me.

"Anyways, where was I?" she asked but before anyone could answer, she caught her train of thought,"oh yeah, um, I'm sorry I didn't mention this earlier but my name is . In six months it will be Mrs...well that's none of your business," she says. After those words escaped her mouth I zoned out. I really tried to listen to the rest of her joke filled lecture but I couldn't. Eli and Julia were next to me whispering about how excited they were for Friday. What was happening Friday? That's when I realized that they were going on a date. I was shocked to say the least but I was even more shocked to find out how much it affected me.

It wasn't like I cared that she and Eli were forming some type of relationship because that would mean that I had some sort of feelings towards Eli and that couldn't be right. I barely knew him but I knew that I despised every breathe he took and every ounce of blood that flowed through his womanizing body. But for some reason when I realized that Julia's care for him was mutual I felt my throat close up and my heart dropped to my stomach.

I guess I didn't want Julia to go through the pain Alli went through. Julia was the only one in our group who wasn't emotionally distressed and for some reason I felt that Eli's dark intentions would change that. I could almost feel Julia slip away with every word that left Eli's perfectly shaped lips so when the bell rang, I wasn't hesitant to bolt out the room.


	5. Chapter 5

**New Chapter...Enjoy and Review...:)**

I don't know why but for some reason the next four periods of the day went by faster than you can say fast. It could be because I wasn't listening to anything the teachers said. That wasn't like me. Since I can't talk, I told myself I would always listen. The thought that I couldn't do either made me feel incompetent but for some reason I ended up dozing off during every speech my teachers gave. I wasn't thinking about anything specific, just some random memories. It's not like I didn't try to listen because I did. My mind just happened to wonder and that made me sick to my stomach. What right do I have to have total disregard to what my teacher's were saying?

So to say the least I walked into lunch feeling like road kill. I just felt so stressed and useless, like I wasn't good for anything. It didn't help that Alli practically forced me into a seat that was directly in front of the sexually eager couple that consisted of Eli and Julia.

"Hey guys,"Julia chimes. Eli acknowledges us with a nod.

"Hey," Alli replies.

"So how was your first day of class?" Julia asks. I shrug. Alli beams.

"I saw a hot guy. His name was Drew!"

"I saw a hot guy myself," Julia says, sending a seductive glance towards Eli.

"Oh really?" Eli asks flirtasiously, bending his head down to look at Julia in the face.

"Really," Julia whispers against his lips.

"What's his name?" Eli challenges, bending down a little more.

"I don't remember, it kind of rhymed with 'rely'," Julia answers, a sly smirk on her face. She leans her face closer to his. Eli cocks his head to the side and before I knew it Eli's mouth was molding into hers. They kissed each other with hunger. I see Julia wrap her arms around Eli's neck. Eli drapes his arms across Julia's back, causing it to arch and her body to fall into his. She was pulling at the roots of his hair and before I knew it, his slimy, disease infested toungue was working its way into her mouth.

Where the hell are the teachers? I don't need this kind of view. I turn towards Alli to see if she was just as grossed out as I was but she's just looking at them, a lovesick daze in her almond eyes. This is far from love, this is cannabalism. I was so close to thinking that they were going to take off their clothes and give me a show. I don't know how to react. This was disgusting! Julia has only known Eli for 5 hours and his hand is up her shirt. Finally fed up by the scene in front of me, I get up and walk in the nearest line, preparing to get food that I didn't have the appetite to eat after what my eyes were in the process of beholding.

To my luck, I came back to a PG rated table. Julia was wiping the rims of her mouth. I look into Julia's green eyes expecting to see at least a hint of regret but all I saw was lust. I sit down in my original chair and pick at my fries. Alli is going on to Julia about Drew. Julia is going on to Alli about Eli. I'm just sitting in my chair with my hand supporting my head, pretending to care. I feel something brush against my leg but I just dust it off as a misplaced foot. That is, until this 'misplaced foot' starts to run up my leg. I immediately look at Julia, thinking she was trying to get my attention but she is just absentmindedly talking to Alli. But that only leaves...Eli. Just as I suspected, the cocky son of a bitch was smirking at me. This pig really wants to get on my bad side. In a fit of frustration I slam my tray against the table and kick Eli's foot away. Eli's smirk drops. Alli looks at me in confusion while Julia looks at me in anger.

"We were in the middle of a conversation. What's your problem?" Julia asks. I point towards Eli and get up. I walk away just in time for the bell to ring. I spent the rest of the day dozing off. This time the thoughts weren't random. I kept thinking about Eli's toungue entering Julia's mouth and him brushing his leg up hers. Why would he do that?

The minute I got home I walked upstairs to my room. It wasn't my best day so I decided I was going to take a nap. I didn't have homework so everything worked out perfectly. That is, until Darcy barged into the room and onto the computer. Before I knew it music was blaring out the computer's speakers. I groan, holding my pillow to my ears. I so desperately wanted to yell at her to get out but when I opened my mouth the words didn't come out. SHOCKERS! I get up and unplug the computer. When the screen goes black Darcy sends me a death glare. I take out the emergency sticky notes by my bed.

I was trying to sleep.

"We share a computer so what was I supposed to do?"

Oh I don't know. Something else!

"I have to write a paper."

Then why were you listening to music.

"It helps me with my creativity," Darcy says. I sigh and walk downstairs to the basement. If I couldn't sleep I was going to do the next thing that calmed me down. Play the piano. My mom taught me how to play the piano when I was younger. It's the only thing that I have to remember her. When I reached the piano I sat down on the chair in front of the paino. Just looking at the black piano brought back so many memories. My mom was so happy when I learned my first song, she threw me a party. It wasn't even that good. It was only twinkle twinkle little star and I messed up on a couple of notes. The memory brought a smile to my face.

"She loved that piano," my Dad said from behind me. I didn't even hear him close the door. I was so startled I fell from my chair.

"You remind me so much of her," my Dad said sadly. I send my Dad a small smile then readjust myself onto the chair.

"Anyways I just came down hear to say that we're having company later." I nod. My Dad quickly scurries out the door. When he is gone, I press a random note. Before I know it I'm am playing an entire song.

_F#, B, F#, F, F#, Bb, F#, G#, F, F#, B_

I continue playing. My fingers running across the cold keys. I hear a door slam in the backround but brush it off as my sister coming to check on me. That's until I felt large, rough hands wrap around my waist. I instinctively bring my elbow up to meet the intruder's abdomen. I hear an umph. I swing around in my chair to see who it was.

"You are still being fiesty I see," a smug Eli says. I walk towards the door and open it, gesturing for him to get out. I don't know how he got in but I didn't care. I just wanted him out.

"Is this anyway to treat a guest?" Eli says. So this was the guest my Dad was talking about.

"Clare, I know you like me. I saw the jealousy in your eyes when you saw Julia and I kiss," Eli says. I look at him incredulously. How the fuck does he believe that I like him in anyway?

"Don't look so surprised. It wasn't to hard to figure it out when you were eating me with your eyes," Eli says, walking forward. I try to run out the door but Eli closes it before I get the chance. He turns me around and presses me against the wall. I fight against him, trying to get him to release me from his grip but he doesn't budge. Instead he wraps his arms around me, enveloping me in his warm but all I could feel was cold. His other hand resting on my shoulder and cupping my face. I try kicking but he just sticks his legs between me preventing them from resisting. Doesn't he get the hint? I don't want him? He's dating my best-friend. I stop fighting and just give him a death glare.

"Clare don't fight it. This will be our little secret," Eli whispers against my mouth. His breathe smelled like cool mint. It's scent lingering on my nose. His eyes looked so beautiful in the light. They were so dark and alluring. I was caught in his deep green eyes with speckles of black and it didn't help that they were twinkling in the light. For some reason as he leaned in all I wanted to do was capture his over used lips in mine. Then I realized how shady and inappropiate that would be. I will not be the other women and I will definitely not hurt Julia like that. If he was willing to hurt her, he would be willing to hurt me. That's why when his lips were about to reach mine, I turned my head. Eli sighs, rubbing his thumb over my throat. He leans in towards my ear, his breathe leaving fire on my neck. He kisses up my jaw and towards my ear.

"You aren't going to be that easy. Pretty loyal friend, huh. Don't worry I like a challenge," Eli whispers huskily, before kissing my ear and walking out the room, leaving me to stand in the corner of my basement and review what just happened in my mind. I try erase the burning sensation he left on my skin but it was impossible. I kind of wanted to keep it there. My best-friend's soon to be boyfriend tried to kiss me and I liked every minute of it.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6...:)...Para estedes...Estan feliz? Dame su comentario!**

**Translation: Chapter 6...for you...Are you happy? Give me your comments!**

After wiping the shock off my face, I walk upstairs. Any libidinous emotion left inside me was overcame by anger. I slam the door behind me, preparing to beat the shit out of Eli. Whatever happened in the basement was sexual harrassment. There will be hell to pay. I had my fist clenched, I was ready to go, until I saw an unfamilar woman and man on the couch, listening intently to whatever my father was saying. They turned their heads and looked at me, I sent them a weak smile. They probably thought I was a grouchy little bitch.

"Is this the marvelous girl you were talking about?" the woman in black said. Her long blonde hair curling up in her arm every time she lifted her hand to take a sip of the soda in her hand. My Dad turned around and smiled.

"Sure is," my Dad says.

"She is just as beautiful as you described," the burly man in a band shirt said. Heat creeps up to my face.

"I agree," the woman said. I send her a smile trying to restore my face to it's original color.

"Woah you look like a tomatoe," a familiar voice says. I snap my head towards Eli's smirking face. I just wanted to wipe that creepy smirk off his face.

"Elijah Munro Goldsworthy, is that anyway to treat a woman?" the blonde lady with green eyes said strictly.

"No," Eli says softly, bowing his head in shame. I giggle.

"Clare Diane Edwards, the bible teaches you not to get joy out of your enemies failure. Do you want me to take it out and have you read it infront of our guests?"

"No sir."

"I assure you that won't be neccesary. We understand that our son can be quite abnoxious at times," the man said. His voice was deep and rusty. I send him a smile of gratitude. He gives me a wink.

"By the way my name is Cece and this is Bullfrog. We are the parents of this little knuckle head."

"Anyways there is a reading today at Above the Dot," Cece mentions.

"Isn't that the place for teens?" my Dad asks.

"Yes but today is a special just for adults," Bullfrog answers.

"That sounds like a wonderful experience."

"Would you like to join us?" Cece asks my Dad.

"I don't know, I would have to leave my daughters. Two girls alone in Toronto, at night. Not to mention it's a school night-"

"I'm sure Eli wouldn't mind watching over them. As long as you don't mind that he sleeps over," Cece says.

"I couldn't ask him to do that. He doesn't have anything with him-"

"We still have another hour before the reading starts. I can take him to get his things," Bullfrog says. My father seems a little weary but then he turns to Eli.

"Is that okay with you?"

"Yes sir, I'll bunk on the couch," Eli says. My Dad is silent for a while

"Okay, I'll go." Bullfrog and Cece beam.

**One Hour Later-**

"You guys behave," my Dad warns me and Darcy. Darcy rolls her eyes and plops down in the seat next to Eli.

"Don't go to sleep too late," Cece tells Eli. He waves her off, focusing more on the yellow cartoon on the TV. Since those two didn't give them any assurance I nodded towards them and started writing on my sticky notes.

We'll be fine, don't worry. Have fun!

My Dad smiles after reading the note and doesn't hesitate to leave the house.

"Finally, they're gone," Darcy sighs. Eli chuckles and nods in agreement. I roll my eyes and go into the kitchen to get something to drink. I grab a cup and pour some cranberry juice in it. I know so many people that hate cranberry juice because of it's bitter aftertaste but I love it. It's my favorite drink in the entire world. I can faintly hear Darcy and Eli's conversation from the kitchen.

"You guys have a nice house," Eli compliments.

"My room is even nicer," Darcy flirts.

"Oh really?"

"Do you want to see it?" Darcy flirts. I could almost feel Eli's smirk creeping onto his face, his annoying green eyes twinkling with lust.

"Sure," Eli answers. Before I knew it I hear footsteps. The thought of Darcy and Eli kissing sent my glass spirling to the ground and deep red juice to stain my shirt. Red blotches covered my white shirt. The glass shattered across the floor but no one comes to see what's going on. _They were probably making out by now._

I gulp heavily, looking at the tempting glass around me. I've been through so much stress this week. I desperately needed release but when my Dad comes back, he would notice the new scar on my body but I needed it so bad. _No Clare, use your self-control._

I bent down and picked up the larger of pieces of glass. I was on the last, largest piece when I hear a thump causing me to jump and the glass to "accidentally" slip through the skin of my palm. Blood immediately starts to run out the open cut. I guess fate wants the glass to be in my body. A tingling pain ran all the way to the tip of my fingers. I rip the glass out. Feeling a jolt of pleasure as the glass ripped some skin off on it's way out. The pain felt so good that a small smile etched itself on my face. I'm such a sick masochist. I was in such a moment of relief that I didn't even notice that someone had entered the kitchen.

"Oh my god. Are you okay?" Eli asks reaching out for my hand. I laugh darkly and yank my hand away from his grip. He will never get to touch me again. My uninjured hand came up to his face with such force that the ring on my finger cut through his skin. I didn't feel the least bit guilty. That's what he get's for trying to rape me, playing with my friends emotions and making out with my sister on the same day! I walk away and run to the bathroom before the blood can reach the ground.

I clean off the blood, loving the stinging sensation as the water hit my flesh. I wrap my hand in a bandage and walk back downstairs to finish my work but when I get there, everything was already clean. I look around and see Eli sitting on the counter with a new plastic cup filled of cranberry juice in his hand. He hands it towards me. I grab it hesitantly.

"Don't worry, it's not poisoned. I just want to apologize to forcing myself onto you like that. I have no intentions to hurt your friend. She seems like a really nice girl but what we have is casual. Nothing more, nothing less. Think of this as a peace offering."

I look at Eli in admiration. Not many guys can apologize but he just did. Then I remembered what he did to me in the basement and I rolled my eyes, slamming the cup on the table. I walk away and jump into bed, quickly falling asleep. An apology wasn't going to cut it.

**The Next Day-**

I had just gotten out of class when I saw Eli pushing Julia against a locker and shoving his toungue down her throat. Eli's hand was cradling Julia's breast and Julia's hand were groping his butt. I would have been fine with this, if they weren't directly in front of my locker. I lightly tap Eli's shoulder. He immediately turns around. His hair was disheved and his shirt was misplaced on his body. Julia sent me a death glare.

You guys are in front of my locker. 

I write. Julia sighs as if it would take so much energy to take a couple steps to the side. I grab my stuff and close my locker. They were about to leave when I gripped onto her wrist and pull her back.

"What do you want Clare?" Julia asks.

I need to talk to you...alone.

Julia turns to Eli and says,"I'll meet you at lunch." He nods and walks away.

"What's up?" she asks popping the 'p'. I sigh, not exactly sure how I was going to tell her this. I decide that I should be straight up.

Eli tried to kiss me!

Julia looks at me in shock after she reads the note.

"Oh my god," she says. I smile, happy that I was able to warn her. That was easier than I thought.

"I can't believe how jealous you are." Or so I thought. I send her a confused look.

"Just because you're losing attention doesn't mean you have the right to sabatoge my relationship," Julia says,"maybe Jenna is right. You are an attention whore," Julia finishes, walking away. The swing in her hips tell me she was angry. _What the hell just happened?_


	7. Chapter 7

**Thank you for the reviews...I promise that Adam will be in this story...I also know that there will be plenty of jealous Eli...a little too much actually...lol...I just want you to know that I will start school soon and I'm going to be pretty busy but I'll try to update as much as I can...REVIEW :) **

Next Tuesday-

It's been a week since Julia and I got into that arguement. I thought it would all blow over since we have never ignored each other for this long of a time but it hasn't. She's been sending me dirty looks through lunch and trying to create a barrier between Alli and I. I thought she would apologize for being so mean to me but she actually seems angry at me. Like it was my fault her boyfriend tried to get in my pants. Does she think that I'm going to apologize? That is never going to happen. I have nothing to apologize for.

As I walk through the halls I can't help but feel uneasy about walking without Julia. We had such an unbreakable friendship. I don't remember a time when we weren't together. I can't believe she is going to let a guy that she has known for a week come in between seven years of friendship. I just feel so alone. Darcy always thought she was too cool for me, Alli is avoiding me, and it's not like I can talk to my Dad about boys and my period. Do I really need her that bad?

I come to a halt when I see Julia against her locker with tears running down her face, mascara leaving it's trail on her pale cheeks. Even though we weren't on the same page, I wasn't reluctant to run towards her. I didn't bother taking out my sticky notes because that was going to take too long. I put my hand on her shoulder and she immediately looked up. The minute I see her teary green eyes, I pull her into a hug. I love Julia and I hated seeing her hurt.

I feel a sudden eruption in my chest. It was warm and ticklish. Before I could realize what it was I feel a force pushing me away. I look to Julia in confusion. A smile is spread across her face, revealing her pearly white teeth.

"I'm not sad, I'm happy," Julia says. When I don't believe her Julia sighs and gets up. She opens her locker and takes out a strangely shaped container. She plops it in my hand. It was a delicious looking cocounut cream pie, Julia's favorite. A worn out sticky note was placed on the edge of the container.

_ I ain't gonna lie. You are my prettiest sweetie pie. Will you go to the Homecoming Dance with me? Please reply... -Love Eli_

I look to Julia in disbelief. I don't know why I was so shocked. Maybe it was because she was crying over the cheesiest piece of shit I have ever heard in my life. I don't know why she is getting so emotional over a crimpled up piece of paper written by a hurtful, handsome, harrasing, hobo. Julia's smile erases from her face and is replaced by a angry frown. I could hear her teeth clashing against each other. Her eyes were dark with a smoldering, green fire as she slowly but forcefully yanks the pie out my hands.

"I don't understand why you can't be happy for me. This side of you isn't cute. Jealousy is a disease and I hope you get well soon because green does not look nice on you. Then again most colors don't. So wipe the monster of your back and maybe we can talk but for now, you're dead to me," Julia says towering over me. The slamming of her locker makes me flinch. As she walks away all I can feel is sadness. A few wandering eyes land on me but I send them a death glare. Where did this come from? Does she really think I'll support her relationship with this moster? He can't be good if he is coming in between such a strong relationship. I hate Eli!

Four Periods Later-

On my way to lunch I couldn't help but wonder where I was going to sit. There was no way I could survive sitting with Julia and Eli. He's always feeling my leg up and she is always killing me with her eyes. I was planning on eating my lunch in peace and the only way that was going to happen is if I sat at a different table.

After getting my lunch I looked around the room to see where I was going to sit. With the cheerleaders. No, Jenna hates me. With the jocks. No, that would be beyond awkward. With the badasses. Nope, I don't need Fitz to feel me up or Bianca to steal my money. I finally decide to sit by myself. I sit in a secluded table in the back of the cafeteria. I didn't even know this table existed, which made hiding a lot easier.

I didn't want anyone to notice me but for some reason, when I sat down, I felt weird because it was completely quiet. The lunch room was boisterous but I wasn't in a conversation so all I heard was silence. I feel like everyone is talking about me and while I don't care what they're saying, I don't want my name in their mouths. My food wasn't settling and it was hard to swallow. I just felt so tired and weak. I didn't want to be alone but I didn't want to be a part of any of these group's drama. I didn't know what I wanted and it was pathetic. I am pathetic. I felt like I was falling into unhappiness so I grab onto the chain wrapped aound my neck for support. A silver cross was dangling from it. It was my mother's necklace. My father told me that the doctor told him that my mother wanted me to have it. It was her dying wish.

At times like this my mom told me to breathe so that's what I did. I breathed in and out and before I knew it I was calmer. I let go of the chain and let it drop against my neck. I continued eating as if I wasn't about to have a panic attack.

"What are you doing all alone?" a voice says from in front of me. My vision was overtaken by denim. My eyes slide upward and I'm greeted by dark blue irises. I smile. It was Adam. He was in almost all my classes and never to quick to judge since he himself had a lot to hide.

"Mind if I sit?" he asks. Thank God for Adam, I would have died alone and of boredom if he hadn't come. I gesture for him to sit down and he does. That's when I realized the kid behind him. He was tall and built with brown hair that was swept to the side. He smelled like pine needles and had a refreshing smile. A real smile, not a smirk. His name was Jake and we were friends a long time ago but we kind of slowly seperated when I met Julia. The years did good to him. I smiled at him. This time the smile actually reached my heart. It wasn't forced.

"Oh yeah, can this knuckle head sit with us too?" Adam asks. I shrug and Jake sits in front of me.

"My friend and his girlfriend might be sitting with us too if that's okay," Adam says. I shrug pushing my glasses up the bridge of my nose. The more the merrier.

"So Clare, I heard about your mother, I'm so sorry," Jake says. I sigh. Adam smacks the back of Jake's head, causing his hair to shoot out in every direction.

"Well that's a great conversation started," Adam says sarcastically. I laugh and shrug my shoulders again. It's all I could seem to do.

"Let's play truth or dare," Adam suggests enthusiatically.

"How old are we again?" Jake says, earning another smack.

"Don't hate! So what do you say?"

"Fine, I don't want a concussion," Jake replies. I take out my sticky notes.

Sounds like fun!

"Okay," Adam says,"Clare, truth or dare."

Dare

"Okay, I dare you to take off those glasses you always have on," Adam says. I take off my glasses and hand them towards him.

"What kind of dare was that?" Jake asks.

"A good one," Adam says. I clear my throat.

Truth or Dare Jake?

"Truth," Jake says.

"Pussy," Adam says under his breathe. I giggle.

Is it true that you let Bianca go down on you?

"Hell no! That hoe has been trying to get in my pants for the past three years. I just don't understand why she won't give up," Jake says.

"Well you are the best player on the baseball team and kind of a heart throb. Girls like Bianca don't give up that easy," Adam explains. I nod in agreement.

"Whatever, so Clare, truth or dare?" Jake says.

Dare.

"I dare you to let your hair down for the entire day," Jake says.

"And your telling me that I come up with bad dares," Adam says.

"Shut-" But before he can finish I let my hair loose. My thick aurburn curls fall down my back and circle my face. Jake and Adam go silent as they stare at me. I start to feel self-concious because of their silence. I washed it this morning, was it that nappy.

Does it look that bad?

Jake clears his throat followed by Adam.

"You're beautiful," Jake says in shock. As offended as I should be at his shocked state I couldn't help but feel heat creep onto my face. Knowing that I was blushing, I drop my head down. Jake's long fingers caress my chin as he lifts my head up.

"Your blush is beautiful too," he whispers. I couldn't reply, all I could do was stare into his warm, hazel eyes. They covered me in heat and dropped butterflies in my stomach.

"You should let your hair down more often," a deep voice says from behind Jake. I shoot daggers at the familiar face. The fact that Eli just told me what to do made me want to do the opposite. I hastily put my hair back into it's messy bun and grabbed my glasses from Adam, putting them on before Eli could get used to seeing me like this.

"Hey Eli," Adam says,"Clare this is the friend that I was talking about. Where's your girlfriend?"

"She had other things to do," Eli says, winking at me. I see Jake's body tense up at the mild flirtation between Eli and I. It was good to know that I wasn't the only one that hated Eli. I wasn't going to sit here and let Eli have his way with me. I got up as fast as I could and walked away. All I could think was: Do all of my close friends like that piece of scum?


	8. Chapter 8

**Here's a new chapter before my break is officially over...:)...Review-**

Next Friday-

Another week has passed by and I have yet to hear a word escaped Julia's plump pink lips. I am so tired of crying myself a river. Any remorse that I held towards myself about the way I handled the situation has been erased. All I had left was anger. I had anger towards Julia, I had anger towards Julia's anger and I had anger towards her over-sexed boyfriend.

I am so mad that I almost apologized to her yesterday. Then I realized that even if I were to apologize I might regain her friendship but at what cost? I would have to pretend to enjoy her boyfriend's company, I would have to admit to my fake jealousy and I would have to let her boyfriend feel me up. I would never cheapen myself for anyone's companionship. Plus, I have nothing to apologize for!

I refuse to apologize for someone else's faults. As much as Julia and I's friendship meant or still means to me, I wasn't going to submit to Eli's power and if she chooses that Eli is worth more than our friendship then I would get over it. Besides, what kind of best friend would let a guy get in between such a strong friendship? It's supposed to be chicks before dicks not dicks before chicks and if Julia wants to switch it up than there is no friendship left to fight for.

That is why when I was walking to my locker and past Eli and Julia's sex scene, I didn't bow my head in shame. Instead, I held it high and laughed at how the only way they could show their affection was through a heated make out session.

"I think that's the most beauiful sound my ears have heard," a familiar voice said. I whipped my head around to be rewarded with the warmth of hazel once again. It's warmth spread through my entire body, especially my cheeks. Realizing that I was probably turning red, I bowed my head and inspected my shoe laces.

"What did I tell you about your blush?" Jake says, taking my cheek in his hand and lifting my heaed, "it's beautiful so why do you continue to hide it?"

My face grows warmer. Jake smiles at me warmly before dropping his hand from my cheek to his side. Even after his hand left my skin and cool air hit it, I still felt warm. A tingling sensation shot up from my legs to my head.

"Ugh, get a room," Eli says in disgust. As much as his hipocritical comment offended me, I ignored it. However, Jake didn't. His jaw clenched before he whipped around and pointed a finger in Eli's face.

"Just keep eating your girlfriend's stomach and mind your damn business," Jake says. His voice was low but very threatening.

"Listen asshole, I suggest you remove your finger from my face because you definitely don't know me like that," Eli says angrily. His voice was just as scary and dark.

"I know that you're are a sexist pig that is messing around with other girls behind your girl's back," Jake retorts. Eli's nostrils flare and his clenched fingers cause his knuckles to go white. As much as I wanted to dance around and yell "CAUGHT!", I didn't because I was too worried about what was about to go down. Plus I can't even yell but it was more about the worried part.

Jake was a lot taller than Eli but the ferocity in Eli's eyes could kill. They were like a green fire that threatened to turn anyone in their path to ash. Jake wasn't about to back down though; he towered over Eli with clenched fist. I suspected Eli to step back but the fire in his eyes just grew. It ate away at his shrinking pupils. They looked at each other, waiting for someone to throw the first punch.

I look towards Julia, expecting for her to be as worried as I was but she was just holding her phone. Her camera's lens pointed at the angered teenage boys. She was going to video tape it! Her boyfriend could get seriously hurt and she was worried about what she would catch on camera. I guess I really didn't know Julia, I think with a sigh.

Before they could rip off each other's heads off, I take matters into my own hands and stand in between Jake and Eli, facing Jake. I look into Jake's angry eyes, pleading him to calm down. When that doesn't work, I stand on my tippy-toes and place a soft, lingering kiss on his cheek. His jaw unclenches under my lips. I smile and wrap my arms around his body, pushing myself against him. Jake wraps his arms around my back in an attempt to pull me closer. I run my fingers through the bottom of his hair until his breathing slows down. Jake sighs in my ear, sending chills down my spine.

"I'm sorry, can I walk you to lunch?" Jake asks in a whisper. I pull away and take out my sticky notes.

I have to go to my locker but I'll meet you and Adam there.

"Sure, I'll save you a seat," Jake says before walking away. I turn around and watch him walk away, an indistructable, lovesick smile on my face. Through my periphial vision I see Eli and Julia.

"I'll meet you at lunch," Eli says. Julia nods and walks away. Eli intently watches the swing of her hips. I scoff in disgust and turn to my locker. I try opening it but my hands were still shaking from my encounter with Jake.

"So Jakey Boy, huh?" Eli asks. His breathe hitting my neck and the scent of mint invading my nose once again. The feeling of his breathe on my neck caused goosebumps to run up my arms, an uncomfortable feeling crawling up my skin. I ignore his question and continue to fiddle with my lock. It just didn't want to open.

I feel Eli's hands grip onto my hips, his thumbs working their way up my pants and to the waste band of my sweats. His hands inch upward. The minute his fingers touched my skin, it burned. It wasn't the sweet warmth that I felt with Jake. It was a cold burn. Like when your outside in the cold too long or when you put on some Icy Hot for pain relief. It burned with such intensity that I thought I was going to die of frost bite. I sigh, dropping my lock and try to remove Eli's hands from my torso but he wasn't having it. His long fingers ran circles up and down my bare stomach. I just wanted him to reach his goal. I wanted his fingers to go higher and higher, until he got what he wanted. Part of my brain knew it was wrong but the other part was silenced by his smooth fingers. I closed my eyes trying to focus on the part of my mind that knew this was wrong but the fire growing in my stomach was so enormous, it warmed my entire body with passion. Deep down inside I knew I wanted him to touch me.

To my dismay, Eli removed his hands from my waist. He gripped my hips once again and flips me around. I gasp and open my eyes, little did I know that it would be the biggest mistake I ever made in my life. Eli's eyes had me in their trance once again. They were just so dark and deep. I wanted to pluge into them. The in his eyes fire was there again but it wasn't from anger. I knew he wanted me as much as I wanted him. Eli's nose was touching mine. Our forheads were leaning on each other.

"Clare, I like you so much. More than I've liked anyone else in my entire life. I can stare into your eyes forever and never get tired. I know that you want this as much as I do, Clare. You want to taste my lips on yours. You don't want Jake, you want me. You want me to kiss you, don't you?" Eli whispers softly. Mint hit my nose once again, I bit my lip in an attempt to not fall into his temptation but it wasn't working. His plump lips mocked me. They would probably be so soft against mine. Eli's hands go under my shirt again as grips my torso, tracing a pattern with his thumb.

"All you have to do is shake your head and I'll stop," Eli mumbles. His lips softly caress mine with every word. I lick my lips trying to savor the flavor of his. My mind was yelling at me to walk away but my lips wanted him so bad. He leans his lips close to mine and I close my eyes. I just wanted him to kiss me, just once. All the sudden my mind went blank and all there was left was one name. Julia.

I immediately feel disgusted at myself for even considering kissing Eli. I was going to give him what he wanted. I was going to give Julia a reason to get mad at me. I might not want to be her friend anymore but I still don't want to see her hurt. I pull Eli's hands away from me and remove my face from his breathing space. I walk away, not even bothering to get my stuff from my locker. I was this close to kissing him.


	9. Chapter 9

**Here's a new chapter...:)**

Eli's Point Of View-

When I look at Julia I see a beautiful, intelligent girl with a sense of humor. She was perfect. The kind of girl every guy wanted by them. Her skin felt like silk and her hair surrounded her face in long black threads and she had all the right curves in all the right places. She was amazing and I got to have her.

Then I look at Clare. She was independent. She wouldn't rely on anyone else unless she had too. Some people thought she was a loner loser but I see her strength. She was the definition of mystery. No one knew if she was fat or skinny because her clothes were always too big on her. No one knew the length of her hair because it was always in a tight bun. No one knew her but I was determined to. I was so mad that Preppy Boy Jake turned her on and I didn't. I mean, I guess some girls consider him cute but I'm fucking off the wall hot. Clare could do so much better. I was better and I wanted her so when Julia and Jake left I didn't waste time to turn up my charm. She was having trouble with her locker when I start talking.

"So Jakey Boy huh?" I ask. She continues to ignore me and fiddles with her lock but she couldn't trick me. I could see the hairs on the back of her neck lift. She wanted this but she continued to pretend to be unphased by my presence so I kicked it up a notch. I gripped her hips in my hands. She immediately tries to remove my hands but I wasn't about to gine up. I gripped them harder then inched up her shirt. Her hands drop loosely to her sides. I run circles up her bare stomach. She definitely not fat, that's for sure. As I start going higher and higher, Clare archs her back, we were so close that her butt grazed my lower body. I was completely turned on. I decided to tease her and yanked my hands out her shirt. Clare sucks her teeth at the lost until I grip her hips and flip her around. She gasps and her eyes open wide. Her dialated pupils were lost in the ocean of her eyes. I wanted her so bad. Our noses were touching and I could smell the strawberries in her hair.

"Clare, I like you so much. More than I've liked anyone else in my entire life. I can stare into your eyes forever and never get tired. I know that you want this as much as I do, Clare. You want to taste my lips on yours. You don't want Jake, you want me. You want me to kiss you, don't you?" I whisper softly. I wonder if she know how badly I wanted to reciprocate. She bit her plump, soft lips and I just wanted to shove my toungue down her throat. I intrude her shirt with my hands. I gripped onto her torso in an attempt to not smash my lips over hers. I wanted her to kiss me, not me to kiss her. I lean my head closer to hers trying to get her to crack. She bit her lip harder. Oh gosh, I can't wait to kiss her.

"All you have to do is shake your head and I'll stop," I mumble after realizing that I couldn't wait. My lips accidentally touched hers with every word, making me want to kiss her more. She tastes so damn good. Clare licks her lips and closes her eyes, signaling me to kiss her. I leaned in softly, closing my eyes. We were supposed to meet each other half way but I couldn't feel her lips. I leaned in closer but I was only greeted by air. I open my eyes and realized that no one was there. It was just a blue locker. Did I imagine all this? Am I asleep? But when I look around, I see Clare walking towards the lunch room. I can't believe she didn't kiss me.

After getting over my initial shock, I walked to the lunch room with an idea in my head. Clare doesn't want me because I'm with Julia and Julia is her best friend. In order to get her to kiss me, I have to get her to hate Julia. So I have to get Julia to be a bitch. The only way Julia will be a bitch is if she's mad and in order to get her mad, I have to make Clare look like a whore. It's full proof.

When I get into the lunch room, I find Julia immediately and kiss her with all the passion that was bottled up in me from the want to kiss Clare. Julia responded but I didn't feel anything. I felt more sparks when my mouth almost touched Clare's.

"Hey Baby," she says with a smirk.

"Hey sexy," I respond.

"How's your day going?" Julia asks trying to start a conversation. I bit my lip pretending to be hesitant to answer.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Well, you know Clare?"

"Yes, why? What happened?"

"I don't know how you'll take this," I say.

"Take what?" Julia asks, her voice rising in dispair.

"She um-"

"Eli cut to the chase," Julia says.

"She tried to kiss me."

"SHE WHAT!"

"She tried to kiss me but I didn't let her. I'm sorry I had to break this to you," I say. Julia's face was contorted in anger. Her jaw was clenched as she nodded angrily. I commend myself mentally at my good acting job.

"No, don't worry, I'll handle this," Julia whispers deadly before getting up and stomping towards Clare.

Clare's Point Of View-

I was talking to Jake and Adam when Julia stomps towards me. She grab my bun and yanks me out my seat by my hair. A seering pain shoots down my neck. Adam sends me a worried look. I yank her hand off my head. What the fuck was her problem?

"What's your fucking problem?" Julia says angrily, sending me a glare. By this time, everyone in the cafeteria was staring at us. I don't even get to take out my sticky notes before she starts talking again.

"Who do you think you are? Kissing my boyfriend!" Julia screeches. What the fuck is going on?" you are nothing but a cheap whore," Julia finishes before her hand comes in contact with my cheek hard. A stinging/throbbing sensation resided on my cheek. She goes to throw a punch before Jake grips onto her shoulders and pushes her back.

"What's your problem?" Jake yells. I have never heard so much anger in anyone's voice. It sounded like a demon was coming out his mouth. Julia shrugs his hands off her.

"Fuck you," she yells, leaving the cafeteria with her fists clenched. Jake walks up to me, his face softening with every step. I hold onto my cheek, standing in the middle of the cafeteria. I'm sure a dumbfounded look crossed my face.

"Are you okay?" Jake asks. I shrug my shoulders and turn around. I grab my stuff from my chair and begin to walk out the lunch room. I was about to exit when I see a smug Eli staring me up and down. The only person who could shove that idea in her head was him. Why does he have to ruin my life? I did not try to kiss him. If anything, he tried to kiss me. I walk towards Eli , my fist clenched. Jake wasn't going to hurt him but I didn't give a fuck anymore. I was going to beat the shit out of him. That's why when I reached him, my fist came in contact with his smirking face with such force that my knuckles began to bleed. I heard his nose crack under my hand. All I could see was red and I wasn't about to stop. Eli will never win this war!


	10. Chapter 10

**New Chapter...Sorry for the wait. Just in case you didn't know a new boy is going to be a freshman at Degrassi. The guy that plays him is called Ricardo Hoyos (he is absolutely delectable) He looks just like a mini- Eli. So we have another guy to swoon over when Eli leaves (which I hope will never happen) !**

Clare's Point Of View-

For the first time ever, I was mad that I couldn't talk. I wanted to yell at Eli. I wanted to make him feel the seering pain in my chest. I wanted him to lose but I knew that my scrawny little fists couldn't do much. However, I didn't stop, I was determined to hurt him. I wanted to make him hurt. I was sick of getting stepped on and ignored. He couldn't go through life being an asshole without any punishment. He had to feel.

My right hand came in contact with his other cheek. The minute my hand touched his smooth skin, an intense burn ran up my hand. I pulled my hand back immediately and looked at my hand. It was the hand with the scar from the time I cut it with glass. The scab was ripped off and white and red juices oozed out my hand. Even though the pain was storng enough to bring tears to my eyes, a sick smile worked it's way up to my face. My heart twisted with content as the pain took over my senses. Before I knew it, someone was pulling me back. I heard many people ask me or Eli if we were okay but I ignored them and stared at the blood running down my arm. My other hand ran over the flesh that was practically pouring out the cut. I pushed down on it, loving the sensation of the pain. Someone yanked my hand away from me but I couldn't see anyone through my blurry vision. I felt them wrap something around my hand. The ground beneath me was erased as I felt strong hands lift me up. Their touch brought fire to my skin, it felt so good and comfortable. The warmth wrapped around me and brought me to a sudden rest.

"So she'll be fine?" a curious voice asked.

"Yes, her cut was just infected. Clean it everyday and she'll be fine," a female voice replied. I realized that they were talking about me but kept my eyes shut.

"Thank you, I'll be on my way," the curios voice answered.

"No, wait, I realized that this cut was too deep to be an accident. Is your daughter...is she...okay?" the lady (probably a nurse) asked. I could tell that she was trying to beat around the bush in order to sound un-offensive. My father hesitated to answer.

"You see, ever since her mother...my wife...died of cancer she has been inflicting pain upon herself. Physically and emotionally, she hasn't talked for a little over a year. I think she feels guilty. At first I tried to solve it myself but when that didn't work I brought her to every kind of specialist in Toronto but that\doesn't seem to work out for her either. I just...I don't know what to do?"

"Oh you poor thing. Have you ever tried rehab. It saved me from my own self-demise when my son died."

"I'm sorry to hear that. Did it...did it like work?" my Dad asked. Before the nurse could convince him to take me away, I open my eyes.

"Dad," I choked out hoarsely. My Dad rushes to the side of my bed.

"Hey Clarebear," my Dad mumbles softly, pushing a loose stand of my hair out my eyes. The chalk feeling in my throat rubs against its walls causing me to cough.

"Can we go home?" I whisper. My day was mentally and physically draining. The skin on my cheek was tender and the fort around my heart had been battered and torn down.

"Sure thing honey, let me just heat up the ca-"

"No, I want to leave now," I plead.

"Okay, let's go," my Dad says, helping me to my feet. He sends the nurse a soft smile before leading me outside and helping me into the car. I turn my head to the window, ashamed to look at my father in the face, and cuddle into my seat belt. The pitter patter of rain against my window woke me up from the happiness and showed me just how fucked up my life is. I wasn't built for happiness. I couldn't take it. I always ruined it. It wasn't Eli's fault for trying to kiss me. It was mine for leaning in. As the darkness of my life surrounded me, I closed my eyes for an escape. I was happy when it came quickly.

**Two Hours Later-**

When I woke up, I was surrounded by my familiar blue walls. The blankets tugging at every inch of my clothes. I untangle myself from the cumbersome blanket and step out of my bed. The minute my bare feet touched the ground, a cold chill ran up my body. My legs were barely strong enough to hold up my body weight. The house was strangely silent so I decide to see what was wrong. I walk into the bathroom next door, when I notice that no one is in there, I look into the mirror.

My face is paler than usual and a deep red scar ran across the cheek Julia had slapped. I bring my hand up to touch it only to realize it was wrapped in bandages. Gosh, I was sick. With tears in my eyes I walk out the bathroom and to my father's room. When I notice that his room was empty, I downstairs. I hear faint noises. When I go farther down the stairs the noises become louder but still soft. When I finally reach the living room, I notice my father and Darcy whispering to each other. My dad sees me and stops talking. A confused Darcy turns around to see where my father's attention had gone. When she sees me her face lights up with understanding.

"Clare, your sister and I have something to tell you," my father says. I nod softly.

"We suggest that you sit down," Darcy mumbles. I slowly walk to the couch and sit down. I'm afraid that they had bad news. Was any of them sick? I couldn't bare losing someone else. Did someone die? What about Nana? Oh god. My Dad sigh brings me out of my thoughts.

"Clare, your sister and I are worried about you," my Dad starts. Is...is this an intervention?

"Clare, you won't stop hurting yourself and I'm scared," Darcy whispers, pain laced in her voice. I look at her and see the sadness that poured into her hazel eyes.

"We...we don't want to lose you Clare," my Dad says. Tears brimming his eyes.

"I can't lose anyone else," Darcy says, choking on a sob. Tears falling down her face. Every tear that fell down her cheek stung me more. My Dad starts crying too. I wrap them both in my arms, letting my agony show as my cheeks became wet once again. I never knew how much it hurt them. I'm such a selfish mess. After a few minutes in each other's arms, my Dad pulls away. He wipes his face with the sleeve of his shirt.

"You were expelled for a week and during this week, I think you should go to rehabilitation," my Dad says. I pull away from Darcy, ready to protest but when I take another look at my father's shiny eyes, I give in. I may not want to get better but they want to see me better. I shake my head up and down, a difficult task for my body, as more tears form in my eyes. Darcy pulls me tight into her body and sobs on my forhead.

I wish I could say I was sorry but since that was impossible, I wrap my arms around Darcy as a response. I cry into her shoulder, knowing that I caused them so much pain. I caused my sister pain. I caused my Dad pain. And somewhere safe and beautiful, I knew that my beautiful mother was curled up in a ball, crying for me. No more tears would be shed, no more pain will be felt. At least for them.


	11. Chapter 11

**I decided to give you another chapter because I'm in the writing mood...lol!**

"I'm so so sorry," I whisper into Darcy's ear. Darcy pulls away, her arms falling limply to her side. Her face was filled with shock.

"What?" I asked.

"Clare you just spoke. You haven't spoken in a year!" Darcy yelled. _Holy shit, what did I do? _I'm not ready for my voice. Why did it have to come back now? I didn't need this much drama all at once.

"Actually she hasn't spoken since this morning," my Dad smirked. What was he talking about?

"The first time she talked was this morning in the nurses office," my Dad said happily. Darcy screams, any sign of sadness erased from her body. I cover my ears in fear of becoming deaf.

"Clare, this is amazing. I get to talk to my sister now! How does it feel?" Darcy says happily. I thought of not answering and staying quiet but she was so happy. I couldn't burst her bubble again.

"Weird, the words feel foreign on my toungue."

"Well, we have the entire night until you leave. Let's celebrate!" Darcy announces.

"I leave tomorrow?" I ask incredulously. Every word felt like lead on my toungue. My throat hurt and I just wanted to sleep in my comfortable silence but I didn't have the guts to wipe the smirk off my Dad's face. My Dad nods awkwardly and scratches the back of his neck.

"What about my stuff?"

"Darcy already packed it," my Dad mumbled, looking at the ground. I felt like I got stabbed in the chest. They packed my bags before I agreed to going. Why would they make this decision without me?

"Oh."

"Enough of the awkward, time to celebrate," Darcy announces. I didn't feel like celebrating. What reason did we have to celebrate? My mom is dead, I'm going to rehab tomorrow, I'm obsessed with cutting myself, I got my voice back and I don't even want it and my family was planning on forcing me into a place that I didn't want to be!

"Actually, I'm kind of tired," I snapped running up the stairs. I had every intention to lock myself in my room and cutting myself until I bleed to death until I heard my father call for me. I turn around and send him a glare.

"What?" I whisper poisonously.

"I love you," he mumbles, regret in his voice. I knew that I shouldn't take those words forgranted. They could easily be ripped away so when he said them, the anger was washed away. He was just looking out for me.

"I love you too," I say before I go into my room and cuddle up in my blanket. Maybe my life was getting better. Maybe losing Julia was a good thing. Maybe I have a chance at getting better. Or maybe this is just a sick fabrication that leads to my downfall. Before my mind could eat itself away, I close my eyes and go to sleep.

_It was another dream. I knew it was because I've never seen anyplace so beautiful before. The sound of a waterfall and chirping birds mixed together in my ear. The orange and red leaves crunched under my feet and the scent of cinnamon filled the air, lingering on my nose. I hear faint laughter in the backround. Curiosity took over me as I followed the sweet sound. When I reached the sound , I gasped at it's beauty. In the middle of a bench was my mother, sitting in a white dress and holding a dove in her hand. She snaps her head towards me when she hears the crunch of the leaves._

_ "It's about time you got hear," she says with a smile._

_ "Hey Mommy."_

_ "Did...did you just speak?"_

_ "Yup, I started last night," I whisper. She starts crying, every tear filled with happiness._

_ "That's amazing," my mother said wrapping me in her arms. I wrapped my arms around her as well but it wasn't the same. You couldn't get warmth out of an imaginary hug. _

_ "Yeah."_

_ "Clare, why don't you seem happy?" my mother asked. It was just like her to notice something was wrong._

_ "Why should I get to talk when you aren't?" I blurted out. I was quickly ashamed at my choice of words. My insecurity was quickly erased when she lets out a throaty laugh._

_ "I'm talking now aren't I?"_

_ "Yes but you aren't in real life."_

_ "Clarebear, you have to understand that this is my real life," she whispers, placing a soft kiss on my forhead._

_ "Now, do you want to play hide and go seek?" she asks._

_ "What?" I chuckle at her silly request._

_ "Please," she pleads._

_ "Fine," I sigh in defeat. She giggles and runs away as I count to ten. When I'm done couting I open my eyes, only to realize that my surrounding were different. I was in a dimly lit hallway with cement walls but as creeped out as I was by the scenery, I follow the sound of my mother's laughter. After walking through multiple halls, I see her. She's in the middle of a room, laughing loudly. _

_ "You found me," she says. Then every thing goes black. I could still hear her laughter. The light comes back on. That's when I notice a figure in black behind her with a knife. The lights go out again. I try to yell out for her to watch out but no words were coming out. I tried harder but I was just choking on my words. Her giggling stops. Everything is silent. Then, an ear piercing scream is let out. It was my mother's. I start crying and running trying to find her, save her, but no matter how much I ran, I never reached her. The screaming ends and everything is silent. Slowly, the lights flicker on again. Blood covers the ground in a trail. I follow, trying to scream for my mom but the same sensation of lack of air resides in my throat. When the trail ends, I'm in a cellar. My mom's body is hung from the cieling, her eyes wide open and blood running down her white dress and to the ground. Death is in the corner laughing in my face. Blood runs down the wall until it is completely red. Suddenly, everything turns to dust and I am falling into never ending darkness._

"Clare, Clare, what's wrong?" my Dad yells in dispair. Darcy stands in the corner, crying softly. I try so hard to explain. I didn't know if it was because of my tears or because of fright but an irritable burn resided in my throat.

"Clare, answer me," my Dad yells. I open my mouth but the words didn't want to come out. I was drowning again and this time, the current was too strong to survive. I cry as I grab the sticky notes by my bed. This war was too strong to fight.

I think I lost my voice again.

I cry harder as I watch my Dad's face cringe in pain. He looks at me with tired, sad eyes and pulls me into a hug.

"Clare, we aren't forcing you to talk. I want you to be comfortable in your own skin and I will wait as long as I have to for that to happen."

Even though his words stung with truth. It didn't bring me any kind of reassurance. If I can't even speak for my family, why are they so sure I'll get better? I can't. My Dad tells me he'll wait forever for me to get better but what if forever isn't long enough?


	12. Chapter 12

**I honestly love this story so I'm going to give you another chapter...**

One Week Later-

Rehab was a struggle. A life altering struggle. I expected to go in there, have a quack tell me what was wrong with me, and then leave but that wasn't the case. The minute I walked through the front doors, I was stripped of my old ways. They broke down the stone and uncovered the diamond. I didn't start talking again but my physcologist told me that it was fine. She didn't expect me to recover that quikly. Instead, she shocked me by saying I was strong. She commended me for being able to push through enough to see what affect my self harm had on my family. Instead of bashing me, she showed me coping techniques.

At first, I thought she was crazy when she placed a yellow rubber band in my hand and told me it was the most efficient coping technique but then she went on to explain what I had to do with it. She placed it around my wrist and told me to snap it whenever I felt the urge to cut. She said it hurt just as much as a blade but didn't leave any permanent damage. What she did next was unexpected. She put her hand on my cheek and looked at me with teary eyes.

"Clare, I can see that you have a dying urge to get better and I know you will in time. You won't even need the rubberband in a little bit of time. When I was your age, my cousin died. I know it wasn't as serious as your case but I loved her to death. We were like sisters. The night she got hit by a car, I hurt myself. I had this disease called Trichotillomanie. In other words, I was obsessed with pulling out my own hair. If I got through it, you will to, don't lose hope," she finished by throwing her arms around me. She installed the biggest emotion in me that anyone could. Hope.

That's why as I walked through the halls of Degrassi the following week, I had the same yellow band tightly put around my wrists. I walked down the hall with my head hung low in an attempt to avoid the wandering eyes of other students. I did this through the entire day and managed to avoid my friends. It wasn't like they were looking for me anyways. My day was going great, until I got home.

At Clare's House-

I was halfway up the stairs that lead to my room when my father called me down. I was really looking foward to going to sleep but I guess this was more important. I walked down the stairs, dragging my feet against the rug along the way. I walk into the living room and drop my bag on the floor at what my eyes were beholding. My music teacher was in my living room, holding my father's hand.

"Clare, I'd like you to meet Nichole Davies," my Dad says.

"I think we've already met," says.

"Really?" my Dad asks. I nod softly.

"Well that's great, this makes this a lot easier. Nichole and I are dating," my Dad says, smiling like an idiot. I have never seen him this happy and in an attempt to keep his face that happy, I send them a small, weak smile, telling them that I approved but the smile quickly faded when I was reminded of the news gave us in the beginning of the year._ I didn't mention this earlier but my name is . In six months it will be Mrs...well that's none of your business._

I told myself to calm down and I was just jumping to conclusions but my body did otherwise. I ran over to and yanked her left hand away from her, much to my father's disapproval. I look at the shining star on her fing finger. After tracing it with my fingers softly I jump right out of denial and to anger. My mother's ring was on my music teacher's marraige finger. I look towards my Dad, feeling the tears dance around my eyes and the burn itched in my throat. My Dad looks at me, pleading me to not make a scene. I drop ' hand and take a couple weak steps back. I sigh, closing my eyes, hoping that when they open, everything will be different but when everythings the same, I start to panic.

I have to go.  I write and run out before my father was even finished reading it. When the door closed behind me, I let a couple tears escape but quickly wipe them away. It wasn't a time to cry, it was a time to be mad. I just got out of rehab and my Dad punches all this information about his love life into me. It would have have been better of I heard about their relationship before hand. It has more of an affect on me when they tell me three months and a half before the wedding.

I walk absentmindedly through the streets of Toronto. I keep on walking until I'm out of breathe. That's when I realize that I was in front of Degrassi. Wandering eyes burned holes into my body, wondering if I was crazy. In an attempt to get away, I run to the football field and under the bleachers. I sink down to my knees and lay my head against the nearest pole. After catching my breathe, I lift up my sleeve. I was so ready to reach my sanctuary of red once again until I see thet yellow reminder around my wrists. I grip onto it and snap it once. A sting of pain shoots up my arm but brought no release. I pull it back farther and faster, then let it go but there still wasn't any release. I snap it ten more times, each one hurt more than the one before but it still brought no release. I sigh and rip the rubber band off my wrist, chucking it away from me. It landed right next to a broken beer bottle. It's sharp green edges taunted me. I slowly crawl over to the broken glass. _I'm just going to get my rubber band. _I try to convince myself but when I reach the rubber band, I was looking straight at the glass. I sat down, feeling the outline of my scabs unber my fingertips as I brush themup my hand. _I stopped cutting because my it caused my Dad sadness but he obviously doesn't care about my emotions so why should I care about his? _I pick up the glass and bring it towards my body. I was so close to release when distant voices caused me to drop the glass.

"Eli, how many times do I have to tell you that we are not having sex under the bleachers?"

"Please Julia, I promise I'll make it up to you," Eli replies. _Please say no! Please say no!_

"Can't we just do it on a bed?" Julia asks.

"It's every guys fantasy to fuck under the bleachers. It will mean the world to me if you made my dreams come true."

"Fine, I'll do it but you owe me," Julia submits. I rise to my feet and try to run away from the awkward moment that was about to come but they were already in my presence. Julia looks at me in disgust, while Eli looks at me in shock. I bet he didn't expect me to be here.

"So, looks like you still cut," Julia says. That's when I realize that my sleeve was still up. Shit! He didn't need to see that. I pulled my sleeve down and look back at Eli. To my surprise, his green orbs were outlined with understanding. I was so entranced by the comfort that Eli's eyes gave me that I almost forget Julia was standing there. I didn't have the urge to cut anymore. I didn't want to cry. I actually wanted to smile. _He understands! Someone finally understands._

"So, were you like stalking us?" Julia asks. I snap my head towards her, breaking my trance.

"Gosh, you are so pathetic. My boyfriend doesn't want you, get it through your thick skull," Julia says. I awkwardly twidle with my thumbs abd bite my lip. Any sign of relief I had that Eli was with me was wiped away. He put so much hurt into my life, how can he ever understand. I look back to Eli and see him scratching the back of his head nonchalanty. It was like nothing was happening. It was no skin of his back if my life was ruined.

"Can you stop looking at my boyfriend hoe?" Julia says. I snap my head towards her again, my face contorted in anger. Who was she calling a hoe? This bitch was this close to having sex under a bleacher with a guy she has only known for a month. I take in deep breathes, trying to calm myself down but it was hard. I was already at my breaking point before Julia came over, she was just adding on to the reasons of why I should die. She looked at me expectantly.

"I forgot you couldn't talk, probably another way to get attention," Julia sneers. I feel Eli tense beside her. He took her hand and tried to lead her out my prescence but Julia yanked her hand away from him.

"I'm not done," she exclaims. What more did she have to say? "I remember when I walked into your house and saw your wrists bleeding. I asked why you would do this to yourself and you said 'If my Mom can't breathe, why should I?' Now I realize that it was just your way of getting people to look at you. Did your mother even die?" Julia sneers. Eli was standing in at Julia's side, his mouth set agape. I touch every part of my mouth with my toungue (another coping technique) and focus on anything but Julia's smug face. How could she bring her into this? People just flaunt her death in my face like it doesn't hurt me. She was at my mother's funeral. She knew how hurt I was. How could she do this to me? A mixture of betrayal and embarrassment caused tears to flood my eyes.

"And there she goes, crying like a little bitch," Julia says, scoffing at the end of her sentence. Finally unable to take it anymore, I run past Julia and try to escape but she grabs onto the back of my shirt and pulls me back.

"I wasn't done," Julia yells. I feel a force pull her away. When I look back I see Eli gripping onto her flailing arms.

"Yes you are," he says. I don't take my time to thank him, I run out from under the bleachers to realize it was pouring. That was just the way I needed. Mother nature hates me! They all hate me! Everyone wishes I wasn't here. I just cause them hurt. I might as well make their dreams come true.

At least no one will notice I'm crying. I just wanted to leave. I run past the school and down the street, ignoring the weird looks I was getting. I feel a force drag me back from my elbow. As scared as I am, I'm too tired to fight. How much more worst can my life get anyways? I expected someone to pull my hair or drug me for my money but nothing was happening. The person just brought my back to them and wrapped their arms around me. The rain dampened my hair and caused my clothes to stick to my body. I could feel mud form around my feet but the person didn't move me. I should be panicking but in the warmth of the person's arms, I couldn't help but feel safe.


	13. Chapter 13

**Here you go :)**

When I flutter my eyes, I notice an unfamiliar ceiling hovering over my head. My finger tips caress the black silk that covered my aching body. My throat was dry and my nose wouldn't allow any air to enter. I sit up dispite the fact that my back was screaming at me to lay down. I observed every inch of the enourmous room, taking in every band poster, every guitar and every inch of black paint covering the walls. My left hand crawls up my right arm and twists its skin. When I feel a sting of pain, I knew I wasn't dreaming. I swing my legs to the side of the bed and get up. The grey rug tickling the bottom of my feet.

I don't know where I was but I was about to find out. When I walked out the door, there were two long stair cases on either of my sides. After an intense round of eenie-minnie-minie-moe, I choose to walk down the left one. Where was I? This place was huge. I could probably fit my entire house in that one room. Well, that's an exaggeration but still, this place was big. After walking for what seemed like forever, I stopped at another hallway. There were another two doors on my right side but I totally disregarded of them. Instead, I walked out of a large, beautifully carved door and onto a lawn covered with multiple colored roses. I walked down the stone pathway that cut through the field, marveling the beautiful scenary. I was inspecting a white rose when I hear a voice.

"There she is," the voice yelled. I turned around and noticed Eli and his family sitting down with my father.

"Oh thank god," my father said, running towards me and wrapping himself around me. I stand there, not willing to hug back but not willing to push him away. After another moment my father realizes I wasn't going to reciprocate and pulls away. He sends me a sad smile before Cece rushes over to me and pulls me to the table. Before I knew it, there was a plate of food before me and small talk was buzzing around the table.

For some reason, the air to my left side felt heavier. As I chewed on my bacon, I tried to ignore the presence of wieght but I couldn't. Finally, I looked to my left. He was staring at me again. However, his green eyes weren't filled with lust this time, they were filled with confusion. It was like I was a book in another language that he was trying to understand. I look away fast and push away my food. I hated when people stared at me when I was eating. I was staring at my food when my name came up in the conversation.

"Eli, thank you again for taking care of Clarebear," my Dad says. I snap my head towards Eli, his eyes were still glued to me. This time I didn't look away. Why does he have to be so nice? It's so hard to hate the pig he is when he helps and understands me.

"No problem, after all it was my girlfriend who started it," Eli said.

"Oh Julia, I never liked her," Cece says. Eli finally tears his eyes away from me and stares at Cece.

"I don't like the decisions she makes either Mom but I love her," Eli replies. Love? When did that become part of the problem? He loves her, is he even capable of love. He doesn't care about me. Julia is the tears I cry. He is in love with my tears. He's in love with one of the many people that caused the blade to slice my skin. He loves my demise.

"Wait Julia, isn't that your best friend Clarebear. Why would she do such a thing?" my father asked, confusion ringing in his voice. I looked towards Eli in anger but his eyes already lost contact. He shrunk in his chair and nonchalantly ate his bacon. I gripped onto my fork for some sort of stability. I shrugged my shoulders and angrily stabbed my egg with the forks.

**Next Tuesday-**

While I was walking to music, I couldn't help but think how my view of it had changed. It used to be the easiest class. I had my best friend, my favorite teacher and I loved it. Now it held my worst enemy, her stalker boyfriend and my least favorite teacher. I still love music but it's so hard to concentrate when everyone is waiting for you to crash and burn.

The class was half empty when I walked in. That could be because there was only eight people in this classroom. The four that were here were Jenna, Julia, Eli and I. Of course all my haters would be here. I sat down in a chair to the far right, they sat to the far left. stared at her attendance paper awkwardly. The tension was so thick, I could barely breathe the air. Suddenly someone bursts through the door. His hair was disheaved and he was out of breathe but his eyes were still warm and hazel.

"Hi , I'm transferring into your music class," Jake says handing a piece of paper. After looking it over, she looks around for an empty seat. Her eye settle upon one beside me.

"Fine, sit by Clare," she says softly. Jake sends a smirk towards me and plops down next to me, dropping his stuff in the process. He didn't even try to start a conversation and cut to the chase.

"Did you really kiss him?" Jake asks. I roll my eyes and shake my head from left to right.

"So you got mad at him for spreading the rumor and punched him?" Jake says. I nod. Jake looks like he was contemplating whether he should believe me or not. Eventually he just looked towards me.

"Hot," Jake says. I look towards his face. His eyebrows were wiggling about making his eyes look bigger than usual, his lips curved up in the tightest smile I have ever seen a guy have and his hair was a wet mop on his head. Overall, his face looked ridiculous. I throw my head back a let out a string of giggles. How could he think that me punching Eli was hot? I guess it's because he didn't get to punch him. He starts laughing with me and for a minute I forgot I was in hell. That is, until calls for the class' attention.

"Today, we are going to learn about a different art in music," says. "I'd like you to break into groups of two."

I start to panic. I usually partner with Julia but she hates me. Even if she didn't hate me, she would still probably pick Eli over me. Jenna wasn't exactly a suitable companion. I knew that if I was left last, I would have to partner with and that was not going to happen. I look towards Jake but he was already talking to a pretty brunette. I walk towards him anyways. Maybe she was just talking to him.

"So, do you want to be my partner Jake?" she says, batting her long brown eye lashes. My heart sinks, this is going to be the longest music period of my life.

"Sorry, I already have a partner," Jake says. I never really had a chance anyway. Jake is a heartthrob and I'm a nobody. I could never be his partner, even in music.

"Who?" Jessie asks sorrowfully. I stay there, I know we weren't going to be partners but I'd like to know who his partner was. Jake turns his head and smirks before wrapping his arm around my shoulder.

"I'd like you to meet my partner, Clare Diane Edwards," Jake says. I raise an eyebrow at him in confusion. He never asked me. Why would he ask me? Eventually every sign of questioning was gone. Who cares why he asked me? I have a partner. I send him the biggest smile I could muster up. Somewhere in the distance, I can here Jessie scoff but I didn't care. Jake was looking out for me and I loved every minute of it.

"Okay, so now that you found your partners, we will be learning the art of the waltz," says. "The lead, which is usually the male, puts his hands on either side of the woman's waist. If there is not a guy in your group, choose a lead."

Following instrustions, Jake puts his hands on my sides. His hands sends tingles up my spine. I small smile crawls onto my face. We weren't too close but I could still smell the scent of pine needles lingering on his body.

"Now ladies, your right hand will go on his left arm and your left hand will go around his neck."

I hesitantly place my hand over his plaid shirt. I could feel the indents of his muscles under my skin. After getting over the lust filled moment were I wanted to rip off his shirt, I placed my other hand on his neck. His hair was so soft, I just wanted to weave my fingers through it.

"Now, to waltz you have to dance in a square. The leads take one step foward, then two steps to the right, then one step backwards and finally two steps to the left," instructs,"when I turn on the music, I would like you to start trying."

After a minute of silence, we hear faint music in the backround. Jake immediatly moves foward but he did it too fast and accidentally stepped on my foot.

"I'm so sorry," he muttered. I giggled to show him that it didn't matter. His eyes dropped to our feet, utter concentration etched on his face. He moves again and again, he steps on my feet every time. Every time I giggle but every time he concentrates more. I was starting to miss the warmth of hazel. I move the hand that on his neck and caress his cheek. I bring his head up in the process. After he is looking at my eyes once again, I bring my hand to his neck again. He smiles at me and takes another step, this time he doesn't step on my feet, nor the time after that or the time after that time. We start dancing effortlessly. The music and wandering bodies were quickly forgotten. All I can see is hazel. He starts to quicken the pace. We were going really fast and the soft wind was hitting my face. He lets out a deep chuckle and I giggle along. It was like nothing was wrong. I wasn't in hell anymore.

"Class is over," ' voice interrupts our moving feet. We stop moving but I don't remove my hands from his body, neither does he. During our dance, we got closer. His chest was now attached to mine. I could feel every breathe he took. He looks down at me and I cock my head to the side. I close my eyes, practically feeling his lips on mine. They were so close, I could taste them.

"Clare, you left your clothes in my room," Eli's voice chimes.

Fuck my life!


	14. Chapter 14

**Well...I inly got two reviews for the last chapter...Does that mean you guys didn't like it or you just didn't want to review?...I understand that it was Cake-ish but that phase will be over soon...Don't worry...Review**

Jake drops his hands from my sides and takes a step back. His shaky hands manage to find a way into his pockets. My sticky notes were too far away so I just shake my head from left to right, hoping that he understood that it wasn't what he thought. That was all I seemed to have left...hope. I hope that Jake will understand., hope that Eli will stop harrasing me, hope that Julia will realize the pig Eli is, hope that my Dad won't remarry, hope that the words won't get caught in my throat and hope that I could stop hoping and make all these things come true.

Jake rocks on his feet. His eyes twinkled with emotions that were strong enough to break through the hardest of hearts. His lips would open and then close, contemplating whether it was appropiate to talk or not. He opened it again but this time the sweet string of sound came out his mouth and evaporated into my ears. I was expecting a lecture or him to call me out on something that wasn't my fault but his answer was short. It wasn't filled with anger. Anger would be a privilage. Instead his words rang with sick monotone.

"I'll see you at lunch," he said, walking out before I could respond in anyway. I let out a long overdue sigh and saunter towards my bag. I was tired of things not working out my way. I try so hard to crawl out of the dark abyss that surrounded me but I just kept slipping every time I thought I was close to the top. People always tell you life is a rollercoaster but that is _**not **_the case. You can get off a rollercoaster. The only way to get off of life is death.

"You'll need a pass," a soft voice says from behind me. I let out another sigh, rubbing my burning temples.

"I can give you one," she says tentatively. I stare at her silently. I wasn't sure if I should except her offer or just take the detention I was bound to get, "if you want."

I nod my head hesitantly and walk over to her. She scribbles on a peice of paper and hands it over to me slowly. I take it out of her hands before awkwardly adjusting the strap of my backpack and heading for the door. Before I can leave, she calls out to me.

"I'm sorry," she yells. I gulp. I knew her words were spoken with the truth. It probably hurt her that her fiancee's family didn't accept her but turning around meant I was okay with her and my Dad. It meant I chose her over my mother and I wasn't about to do that so I just kept on walking. I acted as if I didn't here her sincere apology, as if she didn't just put her inner most thoughts on the table. I didn't look back to save _**me**_ the guilt. I was coward. No wonder nothing worked out for me.

...

I walked into lunch with every intention to sit alone once again. That is, until Adam called me over. I really wanted to ignore him but he was the only friend I had at the moment and I wasn't about to lose him over something so insignificant. I slung my backpack under the table and sunk into the chair in front of him. I take out my only chance of speaking and a pen.

Where's Jake?

"In the lunch line," Adam says. I nod my head and take out the lunch I packed the night before. I opened the container and picked at the pieces of fruit that mocked my fragile stomach. I've had a horrible cold for the past week from the time I was walking in the rain and I haven't been able to hold anything down. Even the simplist piece of fruit caused my stomach to churn. My Dad keeps on telling me to see a doctor but I keep on assuring him that it isn't that big of a deal. He has tried to bring up the topic about his future wife but I just brush off the conversation. I wasn't ready for it.

"Are you going to eat that?" Adam asks, staring hungrily at my fruit. I shake my head and shove it towards him. As he loudly chews of a strawberry dipped in chocolate, I was able to here the conversation of the table next to us that happened to seat Eli, Julia and Alli.

"I haven't seen Clare eat a thing since last week," Alli states worriedly.

"She's probably trying to watch her weight. She can't steal my man at the weight she is now," Julia sneers. Eli chuckles along.

"She never was insecure about that kind of stuff before," Alli states matter-of-factly.

"Please, she's had the urge to purge for the past 3 years," Julia says. _Where does she come up with these things? _I have never gave a damn about what other people thought about me. It was her who was always so insecure about the way she looked that she shoved her fist down her throat in an attempt to get back the youth she lost after losing her virginity at eleven. God forgive me but the I only speak the truth.

"Oh really because I thought that was you," Alli snaps back.

"What are you talking about Alli?" Julia says, making Alli seem completely deranged.

"I know right, Julia is absolutely beautiful. She would never do something so unjust to herself. Now, Clare on the other hand, it doesn't surprise me. After all, she did try to throw herself in my bed when she knew I was taken," Eli replies. I was close to getting up and defending myself but someone beat it to me.

"Oh come on Eli, we both know that that isn't true," Adam spits out, anger seeping through his curved eyes.

"Adam shut up," Eli threatens deathly.

"Or what Eli? What do you have on me that can hurt me more then you have hurt Clare? Or did you think that this didn't hurt her? Just because she's smart enough to not go anywhere near your disease filled pants doesn't mean that you have any right to ruin what's left of her life," Adam yells. As much as my heart warmed at how much Adam cared about me, I didn't want him to get into harms way so I lightly grabbed his arm, gesturing him to calm down. His eyes immediately returned to the calm ocean blue that rested in them beforehand. He looks at me and nods, knowing that Eli wasn't worth the anger he was putting out but Eli was far from done.

"That's right, walk away like the girl everyone knows you are. How was I ever friends with you? You're a freak," Eli yells. I don't know why it affected Adam so much but he whirled around and got twice as angry as he was before.

"Oh look, the tranny's angry," Eli yells. At this point, the entire cafeteria was looking their way. I was just wondering why no teacher's had come to stop them. Adam runs towards Eli, angry tears falling down his red face as he aimlessly threw punches. He missed Eli everytime but he kept going. Everytime his swings got harder. Eli throws his head back and starts laughing at Adam's useless attempts.

"Woah, calm down, I can't hit a girl," Eli says between chuckles. I had no clue what was going on but I could feel Adam's pain. It seered in my chest and turned in my stomach, I knew I caused this. I was always a part of the drama. Adam blows got softer and softer until he stopped throwing them completely.

"Fuck you," he croaks out through his chapped lips. Tears flowing down his distressed face.

"You finally accept the fact that you have a vagina and that it's possible for you to actually do that," Eli says with a smirk. Adam opens and closes his mouth but nothing came out. The words were on the tip of his toungue. He was so close to making Eli feel the pain he was going through but he sucked them back in. He was afraid of the outcome and I knew exactly how it felt, it hurt to not say what was on your mind.

"Why don't you pick on someone your own size?" a familiar voice yells from behind us.


	15. Chapter 15

**Sorry for the intensity of the last chapter...don't worry, this one won't be as intense...just a little MORE...lol...:)...You guys reviewed so much and that makes you the ...:)**

"Gladly," Eli says, directing his attention to an angry older brother, "but I can't seem to find someone over your big ass ego."

"Is that the best you have?" Drew asks menacingly. Taking another step foward. Despite the fact that Drew was a lot bigger than Eli, Eli wasn't about to back down from a fight. His fist were hard stones at his sides waiting to be thrown. I took my chance and walked towards Adam trying to calm him down so he could get out of the panic attack that he was spiraling into. However, as much as I rubbed on his back and caressed his forhead, his breathing just got faster.

"It's a lot better than whatever you have," Eli mumbles, his voice taking on a whole new darkness that hovered over the room of eavesdropping teenagers.

"I would watch what you say. We wouldn't want anyone to find out that you fucked Miss Oh to get your grade up," Drew says. Eli's face's skin tightens as he launches foward and latches his fists around Drew's collar. Drew stared down at Eli with a burning passion to inflict pain. They were waiting for someone to throw the first punch. Everything was silent accept for Adam's erratic breathing.

"I suggest you drop your hands from my collar because I promise you that shit will get real," Drew whispers deathly as he tries to shove Eli's hands off him. At first, Eli's hands faltered but then his grip tightened. Drew let out an inner groan, it sounded like he was struggling to keep the deeper side of his anger inside.

"Oh really," Eli says, narrowing his eyes before letting out a deep chuckle. This only made Drew get angry.

"Dr-r-rew calm down," Adam manages to spit out through a cough. I continue to rub his back an head. His skin was dampening from excessive sweat and as much as I was disgusted, it was better to be grossed out than to have Adam faint. I lead Adam to a chair and supported his weight as he struggled to sit down.

"Why should I? This asshole think he's a saint 'cause he's got a little change in his pocket but someone has to show him that he can't buy his way to happiness," Drew yells, using all his force to throw Eli away from him. Eli's grip immediately loosens as he trips on his own two feet and dramatically falls against the chair behind him. Before he can fall completely he grips onto the ledge of the lunch table.

"Oh gosh, Baby are you okay?" Julia says running to Eli's side and helping him up.

"What the fuck?" Eli screeches. His body still sloppily slung against the lunch table despite Julia's attempts.

"You had it coming to you," Drew says, a small smirk of victory on his face.

"Oh that's it, I'm goin-"

"E-el-i please, for the love of God, and for the sake of the memory of the friendship we used to have...stop," Adam mumbles, staring at Eli through his swollen eyes. Eli looks at Adam and after a minute or two, his fists unclench. His breathing starts to slow down and his teeth start to loosen their grip on each other. For a split second, I thought every thing had blown over. Besides Adam's breathing problem, everyone was finally returning to their normal places.

"She wouldn't be worth the fight anyway," Jenna whispers, I had no clue where she came from but this wasn't going to end good, "she's just a pathetic attention whore."

I could feel the familiar seer in my chest but I wasn't about to lose my cool. I was too tired and too concentrated on helping Adam to let Jenna's insignificant words affect me.

"Actually, you accidentally added the attention in there, she's just a whore," Julia sneered loudly. Laughter erupted through the cafeteria. The burn twisted in my body bringing my blood to it's maximum temperature but I wasn't going to stoop to her level. I had better things to do with my life. I continued to rub Adam's head before he shoved my hand away from him.

"Julia will you ever learn to keep your big mouth shut?" Adam yells. I sigh and rub my head. _Here we go again. _

"Please Adam, she can't even keep her legs shut," Drew replies. Everyone in the cafeteria 'oohed' and 'aahed'. A couple people yelled 'fight'. To say Eli was as angry as before would be an understatement. He was raging. I was afraid his eyes would pop out of his sockets. His anger was practically palpable.

"Do not bring her into this. I don't care if I have to-" Eli starts but I wasn't going to let him finish. I was tired of the fighting. I had a headache and my stomach was still churning. I didn't want to see them fight. I _**wouldn't**_ see them fight. This was my war and I was tired of people fighting it for me. I couldn't stand the burn in my throat or the urge in my gut to give Julia a taste of her own medicine. I was sick of being afraid of the outcome of my words. I can't bottle these things up any longer. I was at my burning temperature and it was about time I popped. I slammed my fists against the table and rose up from my chair. I was so close to killing someone so I closed my eyes in an attempt to keep my anger steady instead of unbridled.

"That's it! Everyone shut the fuck up!" I yelled, my voice strained at it's volume. Everyone stood there with their mouths gaping wide. This time, the words didn't feel as foreign as before, they felt perfect on my toungue.

"I'm tired of everyone putting me down. I'm sick of everyone trying to find my breaking point so since your so eager to see it, I might as well let it out. Jenna, you are such a hypocrite. You have some audacity to come to me calling _**me**_ a whore. Bitch your 15 and pregnant so shut the fuck up and sit your ass down. As for you Julia, if your GPA was any higher than 1.3 then you'd realize that your boyfriend has been dicking me for your _**entire **_relationship but since I'm not a whore like you and the blonde bimbo, I didn't let him get inbetween my legs. I have had it up to here with your bullshit. We were supposed to be friends. Friends don't spread horrible lies about their other friends around. Friends don't put another friends personal information out for the word to see. You're not a friend, you're a whore," I yell but I wasn't done. There was still a certain arrogant son-of-a-bitch with green eyes that needed to have a piece of my mind. I strut up to Eli with the confidence that I didn't even know I had in my body. After taking a long look into his bewildered eyes, I wanted to walk away and free him of my lecture but the burn in my chest was far from gone and there was only one way to release it. I took in a deep breathe and began.

"Eli," I whisper letting out a dark chuckle, "there is only one thing I have to say to you. I _**HATE **_you! I wish that our lives had never crossed paths."

"Clare, you don't mean that," Eli said, a tint of hurt etched in his words. His eyes pleaded me to take it back but I couldn't stop the words. They felt right in my mouth but wrong in my heart. He looked so hurt. That's what I wanted all along but it didn't feel that great once I got it. I wanted it to feel good when I told him off but every word the came out my mouth filled my eyes with more and more tears. Maybe if I continue, this will get easier.

"No, I mean it. Do you even know how many times I considered death for your sorry ass? Why...why do you hate me so much?" I whisper. Everytime I swallowed, I felt like a needle was getting injected into my lungs.

"I don't hate you," Eli whispers, if I wasn't so close, I would've never heard him. The tears started to dampen my cheek. I hated how weak I looked right now. I didn't want it to hurt this much. I never imagined things to blow up this way. I wrap my arms around myself, trying to regain some kind of warmth but everything around me felt colder. My clothes sofffocated my body as they tangled under my hands and the floor kept on spinning. It was either hard to breathe or the air was _**unbreathable**_. The pain in my stomach was more intense than ever before and my head felt like it was slammed against a brick wall a thousand times. I started panicking at the fact that I couldn't see anything but the green of Eli's eyes through my blurry vision but the panicking soon ended when the green was overtaken by black.


	16. Chapter 16

**Wow...you guys reviewed a lot...THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!...I love you guys :)...Sorry for the wait...Review (Oh god PLEEEEAAASSSEEEE!)**

The scent was heavy and laced up my nostrils invading my brain with a pounding pain. It was very familiar and sucked any moisture in the back of my throat away. I stopped believing in any type of hope a long time ago but I hoped and prayed that when I opened my eyes, my environment woudn't match the scent. After an intense minute of eternal hope, I opened my eyes, realizing it was the only way I could find out where I was. I wasn't shocked when I noticed familiar white walls surrounding me. Things never turned out my way so why would they start now? I struggled to sit up because of the IV lodged into my arm. I felt trapped in the tangle of wires around me.

"Good, your okay," my Dad whispers exaustedly, scooting up on his seat to grab my hand.

"What am I doing here?" I ask.

"You tell me. One minute I'm at work, the next, the school calls me and tells me your in the emergency room. Plus your talking. I really don't know what's going on here," my Dad says, his voice was strained and the skin around his eyes was swollen and red. That's when the memories ambush me. I remember telling off Julia, Jenna and Eli. I remember feeling everyone else's pain as if it was my own. I remember the tears. Realizing that I still didn't reply to the father, I shrugged my shoulder and sank down onto my bed once again.

"I guess I was just shocked at my voice coming back for good," I lie.

"Eli tells me that you were arguing with his girlfriend," my Dad says tentatively.

"I didn't give her anything she didn't deserve," I spit. My Dad sighs and leans back in his chair, awkwardly rubbing his knees.

"Clare, I think-"

"Are you Edwards, Clare? a skinny nurse with long black hair and striking purple eyes asked.

"Yes," I whisper.

"I'm Nurse Figarora, I'm just going to ask you a couple of questions before the doctor comes in," she says. I nod silently trying to get my anxiety to decrease. The last time I was in a hospital, I didn't end up happy and I was afraid of what was going to happen now.

"So your 15?" the nurse asks.

"Yes."

"How's high school going for you?" the nurse asks, sending me a large, fake, smile. I hated when doctors tried to get in my personal life. They don't get paid to find out how my life is going. Their only requirments are to make my life miserable by perscribing me with two tons of medication that will make me tired for the rest of my day.

"It's just peachy, every one thinks I'm a whore because this guy wants to get in my pants and I won't let him. Plus, the teachers are giving me tons of homework and I'm wasting precious knowledge by your questioning so if you could, proceed with the more important stuff," I say, sarcasm dripping off my words. I hear my Dad intake a sharp breathe.

"Clare Diane Edwards-" he starts but the nurse interrupts him.

"It's okay, I understand, I hate hospitals too. I remember when I was on my way to Disney World with my entire family. We were all so happy. We were singing so much, my Dad wasn't paying attention to the road and the truck came out of no where. Luckily he was able to swerve away from the truck, the problem was that he swerved down a hill," the nurse starts. Guilt twisted in my gut as the nurse continued her heart wrenching story, "I was the only one to survive. I hated hospitals. I didn't want to go anywhere near them. Then I realized that I had to get over my fears. I didn't want anyone to feel the pain I did, so I went into medical school. I know this might not matter to you but I know how you feel. You'll be out of here before you know it," she finishes, placing her warm hand over my cold ones. Her eyes were filled with hope that was great enough for the both of us.

"I'm...I'm so sorry," I choke out. She pulls her hand away and looks at her clip board again.

"It's okay, now back to the good stuff. What did you eat today?" she asks.

"Well...um...I ate...nothing," I whisper. She looks at me in worry.

"Do you have any...um...insecurities about your weight?" she asks cautious of her word choice.

"Oh no, no, no, no...it's not what you think. I love my body, it's just that my stomach

has been hurting, I've also had this really bad cold and headache. I've been trying to eat but I can't hold anything down."

"And when did this pain start?" Nurse Figarora asked.

"Last week," I mumble embarrassedly. She stared at me wide eyed.

"Have you eaten anything this week?" she asks. I shake my head then hang it low.

"Sweetheart, you need to get over your fear of hospitals, this isn't good."

"I know, I just really hate this place." I whisper, closing my eyes as a knew wave of pain invaded my head.

"Okay, this is the last question before I leave. Are there any diseases that run in your family?" she asks. My heart sinks to my stomach. All the stomach pain, the not being able to eat, could this really be happening?

"My mom...she...died of gastric cancer," I whisper. The word cancer got caught in my throat. It strangled me until the air was practically unable to be inhaled. The nurse quickly escaped the room, mumbling words before she left. Was this really my fate? I was too young for this. My entire life is ahead of me. My throat started to burn again and I wanted to have a friend to talk to but everyone was so fake. They wouldn't care about my death anyway so I turned to the only person I could rely on.

"Daddy," I choke out. He immediately embraces me into the warmth of his arms and lets me stain his shirt with my tears. I hated being so physically and emotionally weak. I can't take being so trapped in my own fears. I wanted everything to be over. Maybe death wouldn't be so bad after all.

30 minutes later-

"Hello, Clare," says.

"Hi, ," I whisper, I was too tired to talk and every word felt like lead on my toungue. I just wanted to fall asleep but I knew that the doctors needed me awake in order to complete their procedures.

"So my nurse says that you've been suffering from stomach pain and headaches?" asks.

"Yes," I whisper, knowing that nodding my head would be too much of an effort.

"So, we are going to take some blood work but for now, we are probably going to keep you overnight until the results come back," says, looking over my papers one more time before heading for the door.

"?" I ask, stopping him before he can reach the door.

"Yes?"

"Is it...is it possible that I can have cancer?" I ask tentatively, closing my eyes and lacing my fingers so that the answer would be less overwhelming.

"Well Clare, anything is possible. If you would have came when you first experienced the pain, it would have been easier to tell but for now, we'll just have to wait and see," say softly. I hear the door close but I don't open my eyes. Everything is less real when your eyes are closed.

"I'm going to get some coffee Clare, do you want anything?" my Dad asks softly. It was like I was too fragile for him to speak normally.

"No," I whisper. I hear the door close once again. The room is silent and I'm alone once again. I open my eyes and try to calm myself down. After a couple minutes pass by, I realize that I couldn't take the pain and sink my head against the pillow as the tears invade my eyes and heart with a new found stinging pain.

"Why does everything happen to me?" I whisper to myself, letting the words fill the room. I knew I wasn't going to get an answer but it felt better letting the question out then keeping it in. I hear a soft knock on the door and immediately shoot up despite my body's effort to stay down. I quickly wipe away my tears and clear my throat to erase any sign that I was crying.

"Come in," I say, expecting to see my father or burst through the door. Instead I saw a dozen roses being held by a thousand problems.

"Why are you here Eli?" I whisper looking at his apologetic green eyes. I hope he knows that roses won't solve anything.

"Because I felt like coming," Eli comicly answer, a smile spreading on his face like butter. I was less enthisiastic at his joke and sent him a cold glare. He sighs and sets the roses on a stand by my bed.

"Listen, I know you hate me but I don't hate you and you're not getting rid of me because I'm not going anywhere until you feel better," Eli says. I sigh, dropping my head against the pillow dramatically and clenching the blanket under my hands.

"Why me?"


	17. Chapter 17

**I just realized how short the last chapter was so I'm going to give you another one...For some reason Fanfiction won't let ****'' ****, ****'' ****, or ****''**** show so instead I will either have to spell it out or use just their last names...Sorry for the hassle and I hope you can still understand my previous chapters...Review**

"So how are you doing?" Eli asks, attempting to make conversation.

"Stop talking to me," I demand. Silence filled the room and without noise it was harder to ignore the pain. It felt like my intestine were getting twisted. I clutched onto the fabric of my shirt hoping that the ache would go away. I clench my eye lids together and breathe in deep breathes.

"Are you okay?" Eli asks softly, placing his hand over my arm. As soothing as the warmth of another person's body felt, I flinched away like his hand was a disease waiting to be caught.

"I feel fucking amazing, I just decided to wait in a hospital bed for fun," I sarcastically spit out through clenched teeth. I had no idea if they were clenched because of the pain or clenched because of the anger, all I knew is that they were clenched.

"Do you want me to get you some soup?" Eli asks politely. I open my eyes and look towards him to see if he was being sarcastic but his face was beyond serious and worried. Why was he being so nice?

"No, I wouldn't be able to hold it down anyway," I whisper, clutching my stomach harder as a new wave of pain came through.

"Is that why you haven't been eating lunch?"

"No, it's because I needed to watch my weight so I can win you over and relieve my dire need to feel your lips on mine," I say sarcastically, sending Eli a glare through my half closed eyes. He awkwardly scratches the back of his head and leans against the wall.

"I'm sorry about that," Eli says sincerely but not even his sincerest apologies could make anything better.

"Please, if you were sorry you wouldn't do it again and I doubt you'll stop anytime soon."

"Is that so, well let's make a bet. I bet you that I can be nice to you for the rest of the month," Eli says, a slight smirk forming on his lips.

"Impossible," I say, the pain in my stomach subsiding a little. I lay my head against my pillow.

"If I win, I get the pleasure of knowing that I proved you wrong. If I lose, I shave all the hair off my head," Eli says. My mouth flies open, Eli's hair was his pride and glory. I don't know what he would do without it. I smirk realizes that this was a way I could hit him where it hurt.

"Fine by me," I whisper.

"Do you want to kiss on it?" Eli says smugly, his eyes twinkling with want.

"Ugh, your a disgusting pig," I say, my face contorting in disgust. I close my eyes as the pain inflicts its self on me again, this time in my head. I clutch my hair and try to get it to go away but it kept pounding in my head. Eventually, it starts relaxing slowly. I open my eyes and turn my attention back to Eli.

"Did you like the roses?" he asks hopefully.

"I hate roses," I mumble watching as his smirk turns into a frown.

"Why?" he asks softly.

"They are overused, the color of blood and an ugly bundle of leaves that represent one of the world's worst sins, lust," I mumble, staring at the roses in hate.

"Or they can represent love and hope," Eli says staring at the roses in awe.

"Yes, but roses die so that means hope and love die too," I cynically state.

"But they also go through the cycle of rebirth."

"Why are we even discussing this? I hate roses, get over it."

"Fine, I'll bring you a different type of flower tomorrow," Eli says, staring at the roses and avoiding eye contact. He gently rubbed the petals of each of the flowers.

"No, don't bring me anything. I don't want your flowers."

"Then don't keep them but I'm bringing them anyways," Eli mumbles, releasing the flower in his hand and staring at me. His eyes were glazed over with an anonymous emotion. "Why are you being so nice?" I ask softly, completely confused at his actions. One minute he's extremely mean and the next he's really nice.

"I already told you. You might hate me but I don't hate you," Eli whispers, stepping closer.

"Then why do you treat me so badly?" I ask but before he can answer, my door busted open and my father walked in with a coffee in hand. He almost dropped it when he saw Eli leaning against the wall.

"Hello Eli," my father said, "may I ask what brings you here?"

"I just wanted to check on Clare, Mister Edwards," Eli say politely.

"Well that's nice of you," my Dad says. I scoff and roll my eyes before cracking my fingers in an attempt to make this situation less awkward.

"I guess I'll be on my way," Eli says, heading towards the door. I silently cheered in my head.

"You don't have to go. If it was okay with you, I'd actually _like_ you to stay, just until I check on Darcy," my Dad says. _Oh hurray!_

"Sure Mister Edwards," Eli says, sending me an evil smirk. My father nods to Eli and walks out the room after placing a soft kiss on my foward and assuring me he'd be right back. "Well I guess it's just you and me," Eli says, sitting on the side of my bed.

"Can you get away from me?" I ask in annoyance.

"No."

"Becareful with what you say. If you slip up your words once, all your hair will be gone," I threaten.

"I am not being mean, if anything, I'm flattering you."

"What are you talking about? How is invading my personal space flattering?" I ask.

"Easy, I am showing you attention by coming close to you because I find you attractive," Eli states simply. As heart dropping as his comment was, I didn't let it phase me. He thinks anything with a vagina is attractive.

"Your a pig."

"And your repeating yourself."

"Ugh, you annoy me!"

"I annoy a lot of people," Eli states.

"I wonder why that doesn't come as a surprise," I argue. I was so caught up in our altercation, I hadn't even noticed Nurse Figarora was in the room. Eli shot of the bed and into the chair next to me. My face heats up as I stare at Nurse Figarora's wide smile.

"Is this your boyfriend?" she asks kindly.

"No way!" I yell out.

"That means I'm available Beautiful," Eli says, winking at my nurse and staring down her shirt as she disabled my IV. Nurse Figarora ignores his comment and directs her attention towards me.

"Doctor Chris told me to tell you to change into this," she said, handing me the paper like dress.

"Did I mention how much I hate these things?" I said, staring at the thin sheet of clothing.

"I'm sorry sweatheart," she mumbled before leaving the room.

"She so wanted me," Eli states once she was gone.

"Eli, your sixteen, she's like twenty-something. There is no way she wants you," I say slowly, trying to get it through his head that not every girl in the world wants to concieve his children.

"Your just jealous," Eli mumbles. I roll my eyes and use all my strength to rise up from the bed.

"Can you leave so I can get changed?" I asked him.

"What if I don't want to?"

"Eli!"


	18. Chapter 18

**Hello my beautiful readers... :)... I'm so happy...Degrassi comes back on November 18 in America which is where I live btw... :) ...Review-**

I felt accomplished when I was able to successfully change without having Eli see an inch of my bare body. I managed to escape his observative eyes by running into the bathroom and locking myself in. I was currently enclosed in the safe bathroom. I prepared my eyes for what was behind the sanity of the enclosed space before I unlocked door and pushed it open. Eli was sitting in the chair quietly, reading a random article in a magazine. I took this as my chance and scurried to my bed, covering my cold body with the warm blankets quickly before Eli could have a view at my exposed underside. To my disfortune, the flimsy gown barely covered my body.

Eli continued reading the maganize article, ignoring my presence completely. As much as I hated his attention, I wanted it now. I hated the quiet because it forced me to listen to my thoughts. I looked towards Eli, deciphering whether or not I should start a conversation. After, countless minutes of debate, I chose.

"What are you reading about?" I whispered, earning Eli's eye contact. His eyes were surrounded by thick rimmed glasses that made him a tad bit more attractive than he already was, or at least, I know that's what other girls thought.

"It was an article on 10 things that the world hates most," Eli says, his eyes skimming over the peice of paper once again before returning to their starting position.

"What's the top thing?" I asked, trying to look at the article myself. Eli sat on the edge of my bed, this time being cautious towards my personal space.

"It's ironic, it's actually hospitals," Eli says, pointing towards the bold worlds at the top of the paper, the lied upon a brief paragraph.

"I agree completely," I say, looking at the walls that surrounded me in disgust before running my finger over the line pattern on the blanket.

"How come? They help people get better," Eli says, sounding like a four year old with his immature response.

"They are also hold the tears families cry after losing loved ones, carry the diseases that are too late to cure and death that can turn anyways life from gold to dust," I add, trying to get my point across without having my voice trenble. I felt a weight on me and I knew Eli was staring but I kept looking down, afraid to meet his eyes.

"Why do you always think so negatively?" he asks, I could feel his breathe tickle my skin sending goosebumps up my arm.

"There isn't anything positive to think about," I whisper, remembering the events of the past year. My mother was dead, my friends don't talk to me, my father remarried and I'm stuck in a room with my worst enemy waiting to find out if my soul was resting in a decaying body. Just thinking about everything that was going on in my life caused tears to prick up into my eyes. They were already sore from the last time I cried so my eyes stung as a new round invaded. Determined to not let Eli see me at my weakest, I subtlely wiped my tears away and looked towards him. To my surprise, he wasn't looking at my face, he was looking down at something on the bed. Before I can ask him what he was staring at, his finger tips softly caressed the outside rim of each of my scars. My heart swells at his gentle touch. When he gets to the last one, he looks me in the eyes. His eyes were brimmed with tears and for some reason, that soothed me. Maybe he did care.

"Why are you so stupid?" he asks, anger spewing through his words like hot lava. He yanked his hands away and gripped onto his hair, attempting to keep control. His words stung but instead of bawling, they ignited a fire in my heart. Didn't he just promise that he would be nice to me like two seconds ago?

"Why is my personal life any of your goddamn business?" I whisper deathly, gripping the blankets just to slow my heart rate. Eli purposely ignored my question and paced around the room.

"You are so selfish," he muttered under his breathe, slamming his hand against the wall, causing me to practically jump out my skin.

"How is that?" I asked in offence. The audacity of some people. He was yelling at me in a hospital about being selfish. He spread a rumor about me trying to kiss him so my best-friend would consider him a hero and me an asshole so he can have the both of us and he's calling _**me **_selfish.

"You don't care. You think your life is horrible. Everyone cares about you and you can't see it because you're too blinded by your self-misery. Adam cares about you, Jake cares about you, your Dad cares about you, your sister cares about you and even though you don't see it, Julia cares about you. _**I **_even care about you but all you care about is yourself. Imagine how _**we **_would feel if that blade just slipped and you died. We would feel just as bad as you when you lost your mother," Eli yells, quickly wiping away a tear that managed to escape his eye so he can mask his pain but he wasn't fooling anyone. His eyes were shattered into thousands of green speckles filled with pain. I awkwardly sat straighter in my bed. I made sure that he was done before interrupting him. My heart broke and shattered through my body breaking through my skin as I realized how true his words were. How didn't I see how badly they all wanted me to survive? In an attempt to make the guilt go away, I said the quickest thing that came to mind.

"I-I stopped already," I mumble looking as Eli's eyes got rid of all the negative emotions and filled with understanding.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to flip," he said, looking towards the my heart monitor that finally managed to slow down.

"It's okay, you're right. I mess everything up with my hurtful toughts," I mumble, looking at the scars that ran along my arm.

"I guess this means I have to shave all my hair off," Eli whispers, a smile lifting on his face as he tries to make a joke. I giggle lightly.

"I like it the way it is," I whisper, letting my hand softly caress his locks. Eli clears his throat and scoots away. Even though I was confused at why he would scoot away if he tried to kiss me multiple times, I apologized.

"Sorry," I mumble under a sigh.

"It's okay," Eli mumbles, resuming his seat at the edge of my bed. It was silent and awkward for a while before Eli speaks again.

"Why did you cut?"

"You mean besides the fact that my life was a mess," I sarcastically state but Eli doesn't laugh, he just nods firmly.

"It's the only way I could tell if I was alive or not," I whisper but before he can ask any further questions, the doctor walks in.

"Are you ready?" he asks.

"As ready as I'll ever be."

**Sorry it was so short. I'll probably update another chapter this weekend so don't kill me... :)**


	19. Chapter 19

**Oh my gosh...I'm so sorry for taking this long!...you can follow me on Twitter at ****AndreaCuadrado7**** :)...Review please :)**

Paranoid. Eight letters that touches everyone's life at least once. It's a sickening feeling people get when they assume that the worst will happen. When I was younger, my sister had her friends over for a movie marathon. I admired my sister so much that I wanted to do everything with her. I asked her if I can watch the movies with her. Her face twisted into the most memorable look of disgust that I had ever seen in my entire life. She didn't even have to speak for me to realize the answer was no. I hated being denied access into things just because of my age so just to annoy my sister, I hid under her bed, planning on popping out when she least suspected it. The plan was working out fine, I got to watch some movies and listen to her let out some secrets that could and would be used against her later on, however, things turned out for the worst. Every movie she put in was a romantic comedy that had every girl in the room crying by the end...except for one. The last movie was just as great at the others, until a girl died when a tousand needles managed to lodge themselves in her body. Before my sister and her friends even had the chance to scream, I ran out the room crying.

From then on, I hated anything that was sharp and thin, so when Doctor Chris left the room to get the supplies for my blood work, I couldn't help but get all worked up about it. I was honestly considering leaving the hospital and dealing with the pain. That is, until another stinging pain rang through my head. I closed my eyes and clenched the already wrinkled up blanket. Maybe if I gripped onto it, I wouldn't be tempted to run out.

"Are you okay?" Eli's concerned voice echoed through the hospital room.

"I'm fine," I lie, trying to get my breathing sequence under control.

"Are you sure? You look kind of pale," Eli say. I feel his warm hand rest upon my head. My head is immediately releaved of the pain. Instead of flinching away from his touch, I encouraged it. I opened my eyes and once they came in contact with his, a tingling sensation boiled in my stomach but this one wasn't filled with pain. I was afraid that the pain would come back if his hand was removed. Apparently I was wrong because when he pulled his hand away, I still didn't feel any abnormal pain. I guess all those girls were right. Elijah's fingers do work magic.

"And your heating up-" Eli starts but I don't give him the chance to finish.

"Eli, stop ranting! I'm sick and it's normal for me to have a fever," I spit, slightly annoyed by his presence. Eli immediately backs away and sinks into the creaky, wooden chair.

"I'm sorry," Eli mumbles, looking down at his shoes. Guilt takes over my stomach. Just because he was mean to me doesn't give me the right to be mean to him. Or atleast that's what my mother used to tell me. I wanted to apologize but the words wouldn't form on my toungue, hating this familiar feeling, I took this conversation down a different route.

"I'm scared of needles," I whisper incoherenty, filling the silence that had sucked up the room long ago.

"What?" Eli asks, leaning closer to my bed side.

"I said, I'm scared of needles," I say, a little bit louder than the first time.

"Oh," Eli mumbles, looking at nothingin particular. The silence joins us again and I began to feel really ignorant. Why would I tell him that? Why would he care? He hates me or at least he doesn't like me. Why do I set myself up in these situations? I was sick, people should be comforting me not the other way around but for some reason, even though I'm sad and scared, all I could worry about was making a fool of myself in front of him. Maybe it's because I cared about his thoughts on me or maybe it was because I was afraid what he'd tell other people. I really don't like how complicated my life is getting. Right when I was about to break down in my own thoughts, Eli interrupts them.

"I can hold your hand," Eli says, shyly looking at me through his eyelashes. Did he seriously just offer that? Noticing my hesitantcy, Eli quickly cleans up his act, "if you want."

"No thank you," I answer looking down at my hands that involuntarily started playing with themselves. I didn't need another rumor to spread about me. I could just imagine it now. _Hey Chantay, did you hear that Clare asked Eli for a hand job?_ I really don't need that happening.

"O-okay," Eli whispers, his words tangling with each other. The door finally breaks open and Doctor Chris walks in.

"You ready?" he asks, snapping on his thin gloves. I absolutely detested when doctors asked that. It doesn't matter if we were ready or not, they were going to go throught with their procedures anyways.

"Whatever."

"Okay, can you make a fist for me?" Doctor Chris asks. I follow his orders and dig my nails into my palms.

"This might be a little tight," Doctor Chris warns before wrapping a blue rubber band on top of my arm tightly. He delicately runs his fingers up my arm and presses down on the vien that was now viasble through my skin. I slowly lose feeling in my hand and start to panic a little. I knew that he was going to do it soon. He wipes alcohal on my hand in an attempt to wipe out any germs that could possibly lead to infection. All of the sudden, he reaches to the desk and takes out the needles. I start to panic. I wish my Dad was here but he wasn't so I turned to the next best thing.

"Eli! Eli! Eli! I change my mind! Hold my hand!" I yell. Eli quickly runs over to me and interlocks our fingers, he runs his thumb over my hand, trying to calm me down. Doctor Chris starts to laugh.

"Scared of needles?"

"Petrified," I whisper. Doctor Chris laughs again.

"Don't worry, it'll be over before you know it," Doctor Chris attempt to sooth. _It'll be over before I know it. _That sounds like a line in a scary movie. My breathing hitches as Doctor Chris brings the needle closer to me.

"Clare, calm down, just look at me," Eli whispers. I hesitantly move my head and stare at him. His eyes were like a tranquilizer because they calmed me down in less than a second. They assured me that everything would be fine and offered me support. I can feel his thumb softly running over my hand and I couldn't help but feel content. Maybe he really was turning a new leave. Maybe he really was sorry. Maybe he does like me but why would he stay with Julia then? Then again, if he broke up with her, would I really welcome him into my life? And if that's the case, why is he so mean to me?

"All done," Doctor Chris says, freeing me from my thoughts. I pull my hands from Eli and look towards Doctor Chris. Just as he had said, he was done and my arm was bandaged.

"That's it? I didn't even feel that," I state incredulously. Doctor Chris nods.

"That's because you had a distraction," he says with a smile looking in between Eli and I. I look towards Eli as well, he is smirking slightly and rocking on his feet. The smug look on his face looked impenetrable. He wasn't going to let this moment go.

"Well I have to go," Doctor Chris says, leaving Eli and I alone. Silence managed to sneak its way into the room again. I avoid any eye contact, not wanting to observe the haughty side of Eli to come out again.

"Clare you just let me-"

"Eli, shut up. This stays between you and me and if someone at school calls me a whore because of some stupid rumor, I'm going to kill you," I whisper, the dry feeling in my throat coming back. How could I give him more wood for the fire?

"Clare, I would never-"

"But you did," I snap, turning around to meet Eli's apologetic face.

"Clare I-" but he was interrupted by an obnoxious beep. He ignores it at first and continues to stare at me but it beeps again. He hesitantly looks away and reaches into his pocket. After taking out the annoying electronic device, he presses a button and holds it to his ear. For some reason, he didn't break our eye contact.

"Hello," he says into the phone.

"Baby, where are you?" a muffled voice on the other end said. I knew that voice from anywhere. It was Julia.

"I'm at the mechanic, looking for a piece for Morty," Eli lies. Of course he wouldn't tell her where he actually was. That means he would have to be associated with me and no one wants to be associated with a whore.

"Good, for a second I thought you were visiting your stalker," Julia mumbles, letting out a small giggle.

"Why would I do that? I wouldn't want her to think that I actually wanted her," Eli says, looking me straight into the eyes. The burn was back in my throat but I promised myself that he wouldn't get the satisfaction of seeing me cry. I lick my dry lips and drag my bottom lip in my mouth with my teeth.

"You're right. I don't even know why I said that. Anyways, can you come over after your done with your car stuff?" she asks.

"Yeah Baby," Eli says.

"Okay, bye, I'll see you later," Julia seductively purrs.

"Bye," Eli whispers before ending the phone call. We stare at each other for a while. Neither of us felt like talking. I was afraid that if I started talking, I would cry and he was afraid that if he would talk, he wouldn't say the right thing. Why did he even bother apologizing if he didn't mean it? It was just a waste of his breathe.

"Clare I-"

"Have fun with your girlfriend," I state, my voice showing no emotion because there really wasn't any left. I turn my body from him and snuggle into my blanket.

"Clare."

"The door is over there," I whisper, pointing to it. I close my eyes, not wanting to watch his departure. The only thing I heard was the door closing softly before I burst into tears. I was alone again.

**The Next Day-**

I was discharged from the hospital with no results in hand. Apparently, it would take a couple of days until the results came in and until then I would just have to deal with the pain. I was currently on my sofa, watching another cheesy romantic comedy. These movies were loads of bullshit. I have never met a guy who would drop all his plans to be with a woman. Even my own parents were on the verge of divorce before she died. I bet that made it so much easier for my Dad to remarry. He never loved her. Love can't have a past tense.

Yet, my mother would always hope for him to change his mind. She would pray that her last minutes on Earth were ones that she spent with her entire family. However, that wasn't the case. My Dad wasn't there when she fainted. Ne wasn't there when I started to panic or cry. He wasn't there when Darcy had to call 911. No, he wasn't there, he was screwing his secratary while all of this was happening.

I should hate him. I should wish he was dead. The thing is, I don't. I've realized that life was way too short to hold grudges. Darcy and him were the only people I had and I wasn't going to lose them because of my foolish behavior. Plus, my Dad has changed. He finally realized that his younger years were over, he's more family oriented now. Or atleast I hope so.

He might be a better person but it is so hard to trust him. After all he did to my Mom, the one he claimed to love, I don't think things will ever be the same. It's hard to accept the fact that he was remarrying and I couldn't do anything to stop it. He knows that I don't like this idea and he's been trying to spend more qaulity time with me. Like a couple movies and board games were going to help me accept this idea.

I didn't like seeing him sad. After all, he was my father, so I welcomed the idea of daughter-father time. Which is exactly what I was doing now. He chose the sappiest movie ever, thinking that since I was a girl, I would love it. He really missed a lot. I hate romance films, I'm more of a drama kind of girl.

"Isn't this movie so good?" he asks, his mouth filled with popcorn.

"Yeah, sure," I lie. My stomach churning at the heavy scent of butter.

"Hey Clare?"

"Yes?" I ask.

"Cece and Bullfrog are coming over later. Apparently they adopted a kid from Haiti that lost both his parents when the earthquake hit."

"That's so sad," I whisper. I couldn't imagine losing both my parents. Losing one hurt just enough.

"Yeah," my Dad whispers. It was silent for a while, all I could hear was the soft voices coming from the TV.

"Clare," my Dad says, his voice taking on a silk like tint. I knew exactly where he was trying to go with this.

"I don't want to talk about it now," I demand, looking straight at the screen. I wasn't ready to talk about his wedding. I was determined to avoid the conversation. It was just begging to break down whatever was left of my soul but I knew it was coming. How long could I really avoid it?

**I'm too lazy to check if I mispelled anything so I'm sorry if I there are mistakes.**


	20. Chapter 20

**Follow me on Twitter ****AndreaCuardrado7**** Review :)**

He hid behind the leg of a beaming Cece Goldsworthy, avoiding anything that could even be considered contact. His face resembled dark chocolate and his hair layed on top of his head in short, thick tangles. He looked around my house, his big hazel eyes filled with curiousity.

His body movements for fluid and purposeful. Anyone could tell that he was mature beyond his age.

"How old is he again?" my father asked, looking at the boy. The boy shifted uncomfortably under my father's gaze.

"Five," Cece replied. The boy gently grabbed Cece's leg. Cece ignored his movement and continued her conversation with my Dad.

"The poor boy has been through so much," Cece sighs, placing a gentle hand on the boy's hair. He looked so awkward. Almost as if he didn't want to be there and it wasn't helping that my father was questioning his foster parents instead of him when he was standing right there.

"Does he speak English?" my father asked.

"That's the only language he knows. He was only three when they brought him to America. He didn't even have time to learn all of Haiti's language before he left," Bullfrog said. That was all I needed to know. I kneeled down and slowly crawled towards him because I didn't want to scare him off. I felt everyone's eyes on me but I just crawled closer to the frightened boy.

"What's your name?" I ask once I reached him. I tried to keep my voice as high as possible because my normal voice might have been to intimidating.

"Why are you talking to me like that? I'm not dumb," he says stubbornly. Cece was about to scold him for the rudeness but I stopped her.

"No, you aren't, you seem like a very smart boy and I'm sorry I got you mad," I say, putting my voice to it's original tone. He slowly let go of Cece's leg and steps foward.

"My name is Mufasa," he stated proudly. I smiled, he seemed very strong. Of course he had to be, he survived a major earthquake. Not only that but he spoke what was on his mind.

"Kind of like The Lion King movie?" I asked.

"I don't know what that is," he says in shame, bowing his head as if he did something wrong.

"That's okay, we have it on DVD and if Cece let's you stay long enough, maybe we can watch it," I say looking at Cece for approval. She smiled and nodded.

"Really?" he asks incredulously. When I nodded, a smile sprang on his face. He jumped up and down causing me to giggle.

"Of course, but first, do you happen to like cookies Mufasa?" I asked. His eyes lit up as he took another step closer to me, showing that he was starting to open up. It was hard for a child to get used to an adult or in my case, a teenager.

"Sure, I like all types of cookies but my favorite of all is chocolate chip ones with lots a chocolate chips!" he exclaims, wiggling his fingers as if he was dropping the chocolate into the cookies. I smile at his innocence.

"Well you're in luck, we have all the ingredients. All we have to do is make them."

"You can make chocolate chip cookies?" he asks, his eyes widening to their full size. I nod while giggling lightly.

"And you can too. That is, if you want to?" I ask him. He swirls his body to Cece.

"Can I?" he asks her politely. Cece eagerly nods. Mufasa runs past me but before reaching the kitchen he turns around.

"Are you coming?" he asks. I smile, something that seemed so easy around him.

"Yup, let's go," I say before following him into the kitchen.

**Three Hours Later-**

Mufasa and I were tangled up in a fuzzy blanket, caught up in the movie. Or atleast I was. Mufasa was absentmindedly chewing a cookie and looking at the wall. I sigh before grabbing the remote and pausing the movie. Mufasa doesn't notice at all and continues to eat what was left of his cookie.

"Mufasa, what's wrong?" I ask. Mufasa looks at me, cookie crumbs surrounding his lips.

"What?" he asked, lost deep in his thoughts.

"What are you thinking about?" I ask. Mufasa looks down at the blanket, running his fingers over the teddy bear pattern.

"Do you know who Eli is?" he asks. I look at him curiously. Did he do something to Mufasa? If he did I swear I am going to castrate him.

"Yes, why?" I ask, anger already invading my voice. Mufasa doesn't answer, he just closes his eyes and leans against the sofa.

"Did he do something to you?" I ask. Mufasa eyes snap open and he turns to me quickly.

"Oh no no no! I just haven't met him yet and I wanted to know if he was nice," Mufasa says.

"Oh, well, he's-" I start but wasn't able to finish. What is he? I don't really know anything but his mean side and that couldn't be all he had in him or could it? Mufasa notices my hestantcy and starts to panic.

"He's mean, isn't he?" Mufasa cries in dispair. I shake my head, not wanting Mufasa to panic.

"I really don't know what he is because I barely know him. To tell you the truth, I don't think he likes when I'm around him but your an amazing kid. I'm sure that he will love you," I truthfully answer. Mufasa considers my answer for a while before looking at me again.

"Why wouldn't he like you? You're nice," Mufasa states. I look down at Mufasa again, the corners of my mouth tugging upwards. I shrug my shoulders.

"I really don't know," I whisper. Mufasa stays quiet for a while. I stare a the picture on the wall right on top of the TV. It's of me and my mom. Her short brown hair fell right above her shoulders and her eyes twinkled with happiness. I miss her so much.

"Clare?" Mufasa asks.

"Hmm?" I hum.

"Do you think you can come over tomorrow so I don't have to be alone?" Mufasa asks.

"Sure thing buddy," I say. Mufasa smiles at me before staring at the TV screen again. I look at him again. After a while, he turns his head towards me.

"Well, what are you waiting for? We have a movie to watch," Mufasas reminds me. I smile before pressing play.

**The Next Day-**

I walked up their stairs with extreme resistance. I didn't want to see _him_ but I needed to make sure Mufasa was comfortable. I knock on the door, my knuckles hitting the cold door a few times before it opens widely. In front of me was a smiling Julia. When he sees me she frowns largely.

"What are you doing here?" she asks, a sassy attitude in her voice that made me want to punch her so hard.

"I came here to see Mufasa," I whisper, trying to control the fists at my sides that wanted to hit her so badly.

"Clare that's gross, he's not old enough for you," Julia sneers. Before I could even think about killing her, I hear a laugh from the end of the hall and remembered what I was here for. It was too childish to be Cece or Bullfrog's and too innocent to be Eli's, I knew it belonged to Mufasa. Before I gave into my temptation and knocked out all her teeth, I pushed her to the side and followed the giggle. It got louder and louder the more I walked towards the door at the end of the hall which lead me to believe that that was were Mufasa was. Just as I suspected, when I opened the door, Mufasa was on Eli's back and was begging him to go faster.

"Eli, you're so lazy. I'm not even that fat!" Mufasa yells through a giggle. Eli starts laughing.

"Maybe if you stopped struggling I could go faster," Eli sarcastically jokes. Eli spins around fast causing Mufasa to let out a string of laughs. I smile at the sound of his laughter. Suddenly Mufasa's eyes land upon me.

"Clare!" Mufasa yells with a smile, "Eli! Eli! Put me down. It's Clare!" Mufasa orders. Eli complies, laying Mufasa's feet on the ground gently. Once Mufasa got used to the ground, he ran to me and wrapped his arms around my legs.

"Hey buddy," I say.

"You came!" he says, letting go of my leg and looking up at me.

"Of course I did, I never go back on a promise," I whisper, looking straight at Eli and kneeling down to Mufasa's height. Eli looks at his shoes, his body tensing up. I focus my attention back on Mufasa.

"And guess what I brought?" I ask.

"What?"

"Candy!"

"Really?"

"Yup," I say, pulling a bag of brightly colored wrappers from my purse. Mufasa immediately grabs a purple lollipop and rips off the wrapper.

"Thank you," he says while sucking on the circular structure. He walks pass Eli and towards the bed to sit down. I stand up again. _What was I going to do know?_

"Hey Clare," Eli says. I roll my eyes making sure Mufasa didn't see. I wouldn't want him to think that I was the mean one in the scenerio.

"Eli?" Mufasa's voice rang through the room.

"Yes?"

"Why don't you like Clare? She makes cookies and gives me lollipops so she has to be nice," Mufasa says. Eli looks at Mufasa incredulously.

"Well..uh, I don't but-well," Eli stumbles out. He couldn't tell Mufasa he didn't like me because that would make Mufasa upset and he couldn't tell him he liked me because that would make Julia upset. He was at a deadlock.

"Well obviously he doesn't like her, she's mean. She tries to break up happy relationships. How do you even know that that lollipop you're sucking isn't poisoned?" Julia ignorantly questions, trying to get the lollipop out of his mouth. Surprising all of us, Mufasa smacks her hand away.

"_**Your touch**_ is poison!" Mufasa yells.

"Hey, don't talk to her like that!" Eli yells, the fire in his eyes burning hard and his fist clenched tightly.

"But-"

"No, you have no right to invade my home and disrespect my girlfriend," Eli yells louder than he did before. Mufasa's eyes fill with tears as the lollipop drops to the ground. As soon as Eli notices his pain, he untangles his fingers and regret was practically pooring out his skin.

"Mufasa-" he starts softly but before he can finish, Mufasa bursts into tears and runs out. Eli tries to run after him but I stop him.

"How dare you make a child feel so unwelcomed in a home that _**your**_ parents invited him to? He just wanted you to care and look at how you are treating him. He doesn't deserve this, he's already been through so much. He is such an amazing child and so smart. You're lucky to have him as your company. He didn't do anything but tell the truth. You don't have the right to go after him. Just stay here," I yell, letting out a tiny sigh in disappointment, and for once in his entire life, Elijah Goldsworthy actually listened to me.


	21. Chapter 21

**Sorry for the wait but here's a new chapter...Review-**

I follow the faint cries in search for their source. How can Eli be so...cruel? How could Julia of all people do this? I remembered when we would spend late nights in each other's houses talking about anything and everything. Whenever she needed to cry, I held her. Whenever I needed to cry, she held me. When she was falling into a depression, I caught her. I knew what it was like to be in such a dark place. Now, all she can seem to understand is Eli. All her evil actions are for Eli. I'm sure that if we were still friends, all she would talk about is Eli. Well what's so good about Eli? Is it the money? The looks? The heart made of ice?

The cries got louder and I knew that Mufasa was just behind the door I was standing in front of. I open it slowly, hearing the creeks of the hinges, Mufasa turns around. Tears run down his face, leaving their wet trail on his skin. His eyes were big and filled with hurt that was almost palpable. It stung my heart to see him this hurt. I wanted nothing more than to wipe his tears away but I didn't know what to say. Luckily, he spoke first.

"I miss my parents," was all he managed to choke out before I ran to him and enveloped him in my arms. He cries harder into my shoulder. His tears tickling my skin.

"I do too," I whisper.

"You miss my parents?" Mufasa rasped, his voice sounding like sand paper against wood.

"No but I miss my Mom. She died of cancer last year," I confess.

"I'm sorry," he mumbles. I smile slightly at the boy's kindness, yet a few tears ran down my face.

"It wasn't your fault," I whisper before pushing him away from me a little and making him look into my eyes.

"Do you think our parents would want us to cry?" I ask, already knowing the answer. Mufasa considers the question, his eyes focused on nothing in particular. Finally he looks at me and sighs.

"No," he says. I smile at him.

"Exactly, so don't let some jerk let you feel unwelcome because you aren't. I want you here. I want you to stay here," I say, causing a smile to scratch onto Mufasa's face.

"Why?" he asks.

"Well, who else is going to help me bake cookies?" I joke. Mufasa bursts out into a fit of giggles, causing my heart to become warm again. Mufasa falls onto his bed.

"You know, my parents would have liked you," Mufasa says. I smile again. Unsure of how to reply to this statement, I stay quiet. The silence was not uncomfortable or painful, it was perfect.

"Clare?" Mufasa says.

"Yes?'

"Thank you," Mufasa says sincerely, his voice drifting off.

"No problem," but before I can finish my sentence I heard his soft snoring bouncing off the walls. His body twitches softly in his sleep so I walk towards him and cover him in the blanket, being careful not to alarm him by my presence. He moves around a little before cuddling in his blanket. I take this as my cue and leave the room, softly closing the door behind me.

I have only been in Eli's house twice so I didn't know anyway out besides the ways I had already grown accustomed to. However, that means that in order to escape this hell I would have to pass Eli's room. Since I didn't want to get lost in this giant house, I realized that I would have to suck it up. I took slow, purposeful steps, to my destination, I didn't want anyone to notice that I was still here. Halfway to Eli's door, I hear more crying. I immediately turned and got ready to walk to Mufasa's room. That is, until I heard the cry again. It was too low to be Mufasa's but too clean to be Bullfrog's. It was almost a moan. Suddenly, I hear a bang and I sprint to Eli's room. After all, he was the last guy in the house that that cry could belong to.

When I reach his room, the door was wide open. On the inside, Eli was in nothing but sweatpants, the muscles on his arms flexed. I could barely make out the shattered glass in front of him. Sweat was pouring down the lines of his back. I had two options. I could walk away and pretend I never saw this or I could walk in and calm him down. It was easier to just leave. He's left me distressed multiple times before so what's one time going to change? If I walk in, he'll probably make a smart ass comment about him being shirtless but if I leave, I can avoid that. All I had to do was walk down the hallway and out the door. I would be saved of so many tears if I just turned around.

"Are you okay?" I ask before my mind could even convince me to leave. Eli turns around. His face was red and his eyes were narrowed but even his hard face couldn't hide the excruciating sadness that popped from his eyes.

"I'm fine," Eli whispers through clenched teeth. He did his best to bring his facial expression back to it's original position but it just twisted into a different mask. I could've just taken that comment and left. He said he was fine so obviously he had to be fine. I wish it was that simple. I wish that I could fully believe that lie without feeling guilty.

"No your not," I point out. Eli let's out a frustrated sigh before sitting at the edge of his bed.

"Does it even matter to you?" Eli asked cradling his head in his hands. I noticed how he tugged at his hair slightly.

"Well..." I consider his question. Did I really care? He didn't care so why should I? Why didn't I just stoop down to his level and make him feel worse than he already did? "I don't know but what I do know is that I'm not going to leave you like this."

"Why don't you just leave?" Eli growls, roughly killing me with his wild green eyes. I honestly don't know how Jake could survive the wrath of Eli's eyes. I literally felt like I was suffocating under their vision but I wasn't going to leave. He was deep under the strong currents of the ocean and if I didn't help him avoid drowning, who would? I tentatively walk towards him and sit next to Eli's trembling body.

"What's wrong?" I ask, avoiding his question completely.

**Eli's Point Of View-**

Most people would have left after I gave them 'the eyes' but she stayed there. I treat her like shit and she still tried to fix me. Why did she have to be so nice? Doesn't she understand that I don't have enough of a heart to cover her with care? I barely have enough heart to keep myself alive.

"Nothing," I lie. The truth is that everything was wrong. My life was falling apart at the seams and I didn't have the guts to sew it back together. Every breathe I take is one that could be used by someone who deserve them.

"You're lying. What's wrong?" she asks more assertively. I look towards her. Her face was twisted in utter concentration. She was really trying to help me. However, through her thick framed glasses I could see the uncertainty in her eyes. I'm sure she doesn't even know why she's hear. I made it this. She shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable around me.

"I'm sorry," I mumble in shame. Clare didn't deserve this. Mufasa didn't deserve this. My parents didn't deserve me. I didn't deserve me.

"Why?" Clare asks, trying to get to my inner most thoughts. There were too many thoughts to put into words. How could I phrase this? How could I tell someone how I hate myself?

"I'm an asshole," I simply state, interlocking my fingers and looking away. I was shaking so hard that I couldn't even tell if I was shaking. What was wrong with me? Why did I have no control over my body? I felt a sharp pain in my throat. It was almost as if someone put there hand in my neck and twisted my esophagus. I didn't realize I was crying until I felt my cheeks dampening. To my surprise, I felt a hand on my face. After convincing myself I really was insane, I opened my eyes to see that Clare's hand was actually on my face. She was kneeling in front of me. In one swift move, she dried my face up. She was wiping away my tears. I look at her in awe, it was all I could do. What was I supposed to do?

"Why is there glass on the floor?" Clare asks, keeping her hand on my face. I was too lost in the feeling of her skin on mine that I almost forgot how to answer.

"Julia and I got into a fight."

She looks at me, expecting an elaboration but I wasn't willing to give her one. Clare didn't need to know that Julia was just as unreasonable as she accuses. As annoyed as I was with Julia at the moment, I wasn't going to throw her under the bus. Julia meant a lot to me and I didn't want her gone just yet. For now, I'd rather have Clare be mad at me than Julia away from me. Clare sighs, dropping her hand from my face.

"I'll help you pick it up," she offers.

"No!" I yell. The image of the red scars that were laced up her arms popped into my head. This was one less pain I could cause her.

"Eli, are you sur-"

"My maid will clean it up," I assure her. There was no way that I was going to let her near glass. I might be mean to her but I will not watch her bleed. I refuse to.

"Whatever," she mumbles under her breathe. Silence wraps us up in its itchy blanket. I hate silence. It always seemed to remind me how alone I really was.

"Why is life so complicated?" I asked. I don't know if I was trying to get the silence to loosen its grip or if I was just curious if Clare had the answer.

"I don't know."

"Clare, I really do care for you. I try to care for everyone but Julia doesn't like them. I love her so much. I would drop anything for her. I don't care if my soul was sucked away from me just as long as she's happy. I do everything in my power to make her happy. If I could move the Earth for her so that she could only see sunlight, even if it meant that I had to deal with rain for everyday, I would. I hurt everyone and I try to brush it off like I don't care but deep inside, hatred's fire threatens to burn me down. Whatever Julia says, goes and I'm not too scared to admit it. Even if I cared about everyone in the world, they wouldn't even come close to my love for Julia. I don't want to be mean to you Clare but I don't want Julia to cry over me. I'm not worth anyone's tears. I will be trapped behind my family's name forever and I can't change it," I cry. I look towards the glass on the floor. It's shattered pieces were more put together than I will ever be. I feel Clare's hand tug on mine. I loosen my clenched fingers so she could fit every single spot that was empty.

"People can change," Clare says. I laugh darkly.

"Too bad I'm not a person. People have emotions, they help. The spot in my chest that my heart is supposed to fill, is empty," I whisper. I must be a masochist because all I seemed to do was hurt myself and yet I know I'll do it again**. **


	22. Chapter 22

**Sorry for the wait...review :) -**

I walk down the street. Its crying trees were all too famaliar to me. The soft wind nipped at my face, changing its natural pale complexion to a bright red. I tugged on my sweater, trying to bring it closer to me in an attempt to gain heat. One hunred and fifty-six, that's how many times I've walked down these roads since Eli broke down in front of me. Seventy-eight days exactly since I walk down these roads twice a day...one time to go to school, one time to get back home.

School seems to be going by faster and faster. I get there, go to my classes, and have meaningless conversations with Adam at lunch. I haven't had any encounters with Eli or his 'friends' and I don't know why since I was bound to run in to him when I visited Mufasa but why should I question a miracle. My life just seems so incomplete. It's almost like I'm outside of my body, watching my social life slowly deteriate and doing nothing about it. I walk down the halls not making small talk with anyone. In fact, I avoid everyone's path. I get to class early and talk to my teachers about nothing in particular. Then, until the bell rings, I sit awkwardly and stare at the first thing that enters my line of vision.

My father hasn't brought up the wedding but I know it's nearing. After all, Miss Davies had said her wedding was in six months and that was three and a half months ago. That means I have to walk my path one-hundred fifty more times until it comes. That wedding is literally haunting me. For example, two weeks ago, my dream was lined with red roses. It seemed like the biggest blessing of my life, I was actually having a _dream- _until the roses started to bleed. All of the sudden, my mom appeared in what seemed to be a lacy white wedding dress but I couldn't tell since it was so tattered and torn. Blood was pouring out her eyes, mouth, nose, and ears. The only thing that contrasted her dirty green skin were the scar's wrinkled, red skin that were laced up her arm.

I haven't talked to Jake either but what would I tell him? _Hey, I'm sorry I lead you on because I wasn't trying to. I'm actually not looking for a boyfriend any time soon because everyone I love usually gets hurt emotionally or physically. _That sounds like an amazing apologizing.

I finally reach the doors of my demise or in other words...Degrassi. Do I go in? Who would really miss me? It's not like my dad would be that mad if I just skipped a day. Wait, I have a test in Math and Global Civilization. I should really get those done. This is what I have to do every morning to convince myself to actually keep going. I reluctantly push the cold bar and walk through the door. I was immediatly ambushed by the warm air from the inside of the school. The hallways were almost vacant besides a couple of people talking to teachers about extra credit. I walked past them and head towards my locker to past time. I really didn't need anything but since I had the time, I decided I could clean it out a little instead of sitting in an empty classroom and trying to entertain myself.

Once I was done organizing my locker twice, I noticed that the hallways were starting to fill up a little and decided that I should start heading to class. Right before I reached the locker's door, I force slammed it closed. After getting over my initial shock I turned to the force that slammed it. My eyes caught the green balls of fire for the second time in my life. I sigh, putting my lock in its rightful place and walking away before things got ugly.

"Why are you walking away? Obviously, I wanted to talk to you!" Eli yells, earning multiple stares from people in the hallways. I keep cool. I wasn't going to make a scene if I didn't know why he was yelling.

"Well, technically, you aren't talking, you're yelling and I'm not going to be the bitch that takes it," I say in monotone. Before I can process what was happening, I was lifted of my feet and carried into an empty room with an aggresive force.

"What the fuck?" I yell, forgetting about my calm demeanor. Eli puts me on my feet before blocking my only exit.

"Julia is gone because of you!" Eli yells, his voice quavering with force.

"What?" I asked in confusion. Eli grips at the roots of his hair and walks back and forth like a crazy person. All the sudden, he charges at me. It wasn't like he pushed me like I expected but the look in his eyes was all it took to run away so I did, it just happened to be into the wall. Pain burned on my skin when I came in contact with the wall. I let out a small whimper but Eli disregarded it.

"She. Is. Gone. Because. Of. You," Eli yells, angry tears running down his face. His hands gripped onto my arms.

"How is this my fault?" I asked.

"She thought I liked you so she and I got into an argument. When I was ready to apologize, I went to her house and she was gone. Her family moved," Eli growled. _And this was my fault because?_

"I still don't understand why I'm part of this," I whisper. Eli growls, tightening his grip on my arms.

"She left because she thought I liked you. It's your fault," Eli yells. I bite my toungue. His words poked holes into my helium filled heart. I don't know if it was because Eli was yelling at me or if it was because Julia was gone but I started to cry. I cried so hard that Eli loosened his grip and stepped back in fear.

"Your acting like I don't love her. Like I want her to be gone. We were friends way longer than you guys have been dating Eli. Do you want me to apologize? I can do that if you want. I'm sorry if you mislead her into thinking you liked me when you tried to kiss me. I'm sorry that I came between your relationship. I'm sorry I ever exsisted," I whisper trying to keep my voice at a steady level which was pretty hard because of my bodies need for oxygen.

"Clare..." Eli mumbles trying to soothe me by rubbing my back but his touch was literally making me sick.

"Stop! Stop right there. I don't want or need your half ass apologies. What do they mean? You aren't trying to fix me, you're just trying to give me a little hope so that it will be more satisfying when you break me again," I feel like I was choking on my words. It was getting really hard to breathe so I started hypervenalating. I would have freaked out a lot more if the doctors had diagnosed me with cancer two and a half months ago, luckily it was just the stomach flu. However, I was still panicking. I felt my body start to shake a little. I tried to convince myself that everything was fine but was it really? Nothing is fine, it's all wrong.

"Clare! Clare! What's wrong? Calm down! Breathe in and out," Eli yells orders at me. His voice was stained with anxiety, almost like he wasn't trying to freak out himself. I kept on crying against my will to stop. The fact that I couldn't stop caused me to cry harder, I almost forgot we were in a school. I desperately tried to dry my face but it just got wet again, eventually, I just started to claw at my face. Eli desperately wrapped his arms around me and put me on his lap. I involuntarily layed my head into the crook of his neck. He continued to rub my back. I could feel his chest rise and fall but I couldn't calm down. I dug deeper into him and tried to breathe but I literally wasn't. My chest started to hurt and my throat was filled with unspoken word. I heard a faint noise above me but it was almost lost under my cries. Eli's chest vibrated softly, it wasn't until then that I realized he was singing.

"You've got a lot to say for the one that walked away. I give, you take, its the way it's always been. How do I know if I should stay or just go? The bottom line is this way that I'll never know. Stay with me. Stay with me. You've got a lot to say for the one that pushed me away. I give, you take, some things they'll never change. Just change. Stay with me. Stay with me," Eli's words fell past his lips in strings. I was so focused on listening to his voice that I didn't even realize I stopped crying. His words were so forceful yet soft and covered me in velvet.

"I'm sorry," he whispered softly, "it isn't your fault. It's mine."

Tangled thoughts ran through my head. I didn't know he could sing, let alone well. Why did he sing? Did he mean it this time? He is so warm. After pushing through these thoughts, I began to remember who was holding me. This guy just yelled at me like ten minutes ago and I was already melting into his boiling pot of deception. I get up from his lap and turn to him, wiping some loose tears away.

"I have to go to homeroom before the bell rings," I croak, leaving this awkward situation before it even started.

**The song is by You Me At Six and it's called Stay With Me...Hope you anjoyed this chapter...Remember to review! **


	23. Chapter 23

**I'm sssssoooooooo SORRY! I really didn't mean to take this looonnnnggg...its just really hard to write about something that is slowly slipping away...the writer's need to give me something to work with...lol. Plus, it's the holidays and I had a ton of work. I really don't think you want to hear my excuses but I'm dishing them out anyways. So I was thinking about writing a story about Hunger Games but with Degrassi characters...tell me what you think. Review- **

"Is Mufasa here?" I ask, awkwardly taking another sip of the tea Cece, or should I say, her maid, made for us. I really don't like tea but I let it slither its warm body down my throat in order to be polite.

"Yes, but I think he's in Eli's room. You can go up there if you'd like," Cece offers. I contemplate if I should do as she says. Do you know that feeling you get when you're opening a gift? You're really hoping it's what you want, whether it's a new computer or those cute Spongebob pajamas you saw at Target. If you take that feeling and multiply it by five and you'll get how badly I don't want to see Eli. It's not like he was going to yell at me again, after all, he wouldn't dare try anything with Mufasa as a witness. I just didn't want to see the look in his eyes when I walked through the door. Would they still hold hatred? Regret? Sadness?

"I could just drop by later," I say, nervously rubbing the back of my neck. Cece puts the tea cup on the coffee table before taking my hands in hers and lifting me off the couch with a tight smile on her face. I really loved Cece but sometimes I wonder why her cheeks haven't exploded yet.

"Nonsense, they will be so happy to see you," Cece encourages me. For some reason...I doubt that. She drags me to his room with surprising force for a thin lady. Even if I wanted to run out the house like it was on fire, her grip was too tight to come out of. It would be like struggling against a alligator with perfect skin.

"Look who's here," Cece exclaims once we reach the door. Mufasa and Eli look up from what looked like a train set that they were trying to build. To my surprise, Eli brings out the big guns and shoots me a smile that drags bullets through my heart, in the best way possible.

"Well look who it is," Mufasa says, staring down at the tangled parts of plastic.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I ask defensively.

"Well you just decided to drop off the planet and not visit your best friend for two whole weeks," Mufasa answers. I let out a little laugh.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I was just...busy," I lie, the truth is, I didn't want to see Eli but Mufasa didn't need to know that.

"Oh so your trying to tell me you were busy. I am so appalled that you would try to lie to me like that. It's winter break, you have no school, what might you be busy doing?" Mufasa fires back.

"How do you know that and who taught you that word?" I ask, confused as to why a five year old had such a thick vocabulary.

"Eli taught me it and Eli has break too so I assumed that since you go to the same school you would to," Mufasa answers.

"Did he teach you that word too?" I repeat.

"Yes, now stop avoiding my questions and answer me," Mufasa snaps. Did Eli teach him all the 'a' words in the dictionary?

"I was too busy shopping for your Christmas present," I said, holding up a big box covered in Lion King wrapping paper.

"Christmas was two days ago."

"Well I was with my family so I couldn't visit you."

"Are you telling me I'm not family?"

"Just take the present," I say, finally fed up with the mindless bickering. I hand him the present. Mufasa looks at me suspiciously.

"Are you trying to bribe me?" Mufasa asks, tilting his head to the side in offense.

"Oh god, Eli's sarcastic ways are rubbing onto you way too much," I say, looking towards Eli to see if he took it offensively but he was just smiling brightly. I bet he was enjoying our argument.

"What does sarcastic mean?" Mufasa asks.

"It's when you say things but mean the complete opposite."

"He does do that a lot," Mufasa points out with a small laugh.

"I think we've noticed. Now open the gift," I anxiously state. I really wanted to know what he thought. Mufasa dug his fingers under one of the flaps that was taped down and expertly ripped all the gift wrap of the box in one swift motion. He wastes no time in opening the box revealing the giant Mufasa teddy bear, his very own copy of the Lion King and Lion King pajamas. Its silent for a long time as Mufasa looks at his presents, takes them out and delicately places them on the ground next to him.

"So what do you think?" I ask nervously.

"I've seen better," he says, avoiding eye contact. My mouth falls open. Please don't tell me he's becoming a spoiled brat.

"I'm just kidding. I love it Blue," Mufasa says, jumping on me like the little monkey he is. I ignored the spontaneous nickname and hugged him.

"Good, I hoped you would but I have to go," I say, remembering that Eli was still in the room.

"What? Why?" Mufasa whines, letting go of my legs. He looks at me with his big sad eyes.

"I have to go see my father." I say, thinking of the simplest excuse I could.

"Or you stay and help us build my train set," Mufasa say, looking at me with hopeful eyes.

"I don't know-"

"Please," Mufasa says, giving me the cutest puppy face ever. How could you say no to that.

"Fine," I answer, making myself as comfortable as possible next to Eli. I only had to acknowledge Mufasa's presence. For all I know Eli isn't here.

Six Days Later-

"I trust you all had a relaxing vacation but it is time to get back to work," an extremely eager Miss Dawes states. I roll my eyes and continued to doodle in my notebook.

"Miss Edwards, may I ask what you are creating?" Miss Dawes asked, looking down at my doodle.

"A smiley face," I politely answer, not in the mood to argue with anyone.

"Well you have quite some talent but I think you're in the wrong class. You can finish that in detention," Miss Dawes scorns. I suck my teeth and close my notebook, holding my heavy head in my hands.

"As you all know, I assigned a paper over break," Miss Dawes says, looking around the room to see all the nodding heads. Of course I remember the assignment. I practically poured all my thoughts onto that paper after waking up from another horrible nightmare. Miss Dawes knew about my situation so I'm comfortable writing about knowing that all she will do is read it and give it a grade, never bringing it up again.

"Today, you will exchange the assignment with a partner so they can edit it and vice versa," Miss Dawes directs. Although I was less comfortable having a partner read it, I'm sure Adam won't mind it that much.

"Partners that I have chosen of course," Miss Dawes states.

"What?" I involuntarily blurt out, my heart sinking to my stomach. I couldn't have a random person peering into every single one of my thoughts.

"What's so confusing that you insisted on calling out?" Miss Dawes asked with a little more attitude than needed.

"Miss Dawes, my writing is personal," I say, my sentence breaking off at the end.

"All good writing is personal," she reasons.

"But Miss Dawes-"

"Would you like another detention Miss Edwards?" Miss Dawes asks, already knowing the answer. I sink back into my chair.

"Pay attention, I will be calling out partners now," Miss Dawes says and two minutes later she was blurting out names faster than a cheetah. Every cell in my body was hoping I'd get paired with Adam but with my luck, the chances were slim to none. That's when I heard my name.

"Clare Edwards and...Elijah Goldsworthy."

Lord help me.

**I'll probably update again in one or two days...Hope you liked it...Review :)**


	24. Chapter 24

**Sorry I took so song but here's another chapter. I used some songs as Eli's and Clare's essay. Eli's essay is Eminem's song called 'Beautiful' and Clare's essay is a mixture of two songs, 'Hurt by Christina Aguilera' and 'In the Arms of an Angel by Sarah Mclachlan'. Review :)**

"So, where's your paper?" Eli asks after swerving around in his seat so he was straddling the back of his chair.

"I didn't do it," I lie, nervously tugging at my bottom lip. I was determined that he was not going to read it.

"So you were arguing with Miss Dawes over nothing?" Eli asks suspiciously.

"Yup, you know me, little old drama queen," I say, playing with a loose strand of thread on the end of my sleeve.

"Then what's this?" Eli asks lightly placing his fingers on the peice of paper that was sticking out my notebook. I yanked it towards my chest.

"It's you minding your damn business," I say with a little more attitude than needed. He was not going lay another finger on that tear stained paper. Eli sighs, running his hand through his perfect hair. It was so sick how he looked like a cut out from a magazine.

"Clare, you act like _**when **_I read this, your going to explode."

"First off, there is no when, your not going to read it and second off, I wouldn't explode if it were anyone else in the room but it had to be you," I say angrily, imagining how it would feel to stab Miss Dawes in the throat.

"What's so wrong with me reading it?" Eli asks defensively.

"Because technically it isn't just you reading it. I promise you that when your done, your going to tell Jenna and her huge ass, dick sucking mouth is going to go around the entire school with _**my **_inner most thoughts. It's just not going to happen," I whisper, staring at the edges of my desk and imagining how horrible my life would be.

"Clare...look at me," Eli demands and despite how badly I wanted to keep my head down, I knew he was going to get his way one way or another so I reluctantly lifted my head up. My eyes came in contact with his. His face looked completely serious and his eyes held enough trust for me, him and ten other people.

"You have to trust me. I'm not going to tell anyone anything," Eli whispers and I desperately wanted to think he was lying but the look in his eyes begged me to trust him. I knew that leaving this paper in the wrong hands could lead to my demise and Eli wasn't a person I was eager to tell all my secrets to but he looked like he meant it. I wished that it could be as easy as it was when I was younger, when people made promises and actually kept them but I wasn't five and this wasn't kindergarten. This was high school and it was probably the most horrible experience of my life. I should just keep the paper and tell him to 'Fuck off' but instead, I find myself handing it to him. I tried to convince myself that when we exchanged papers, I was doing it to get a good grade but I couldn't deny the sense of relief I felt when the paper was in his hands. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

"Thank you," Eli says, handing me his paper without a hint of hesitation. I flip it around in my hands before placing it on my desk and reading.

_**In Each Other's Shoes by Eli Goldsworthy-**_

_ You'd have to walk a thousand miles_ _in my shoes, just to see what it's like to be me. I'll be you, let's trade shoes, just to see what it'd be like to feel your pain, you feel mine. Let's go inside each other's minds, just to see what we'd find. Look at shit through each other's eyes._

_ I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor because everything is so tense and gloom. I almost feel like I have to check the temperature in the room just as soon as I walk in. It's like all eyes are on me so I try to avoid any eye contact because if I do that then it opens a door for conversation...like I want that. I'm not looking for extra attention. I just want to be just like you, blend in with the rest of the room, maybe just point me to the closest restroom. I don't need no fucking man servant trying to follow me around and wipe my ass, laugh at every single joke I crack and half of them aren't even funny like that. "Ha!, Eli you're so funny man, you should be a comedian, god damn!" Unfortunately I am, but I just hide behind the tears of a clown. Nobody asked for life to deal us with these bullshit hands we're dealt. We have to take these cards ourselves and flip them. We can't accept any help._

_ I was never the type of kid to wait by the door and pack his bags. Who sat on the porch and hoped and prayed for his dad to show up, who never did. I just wanted to fit in at every single place. Every school I went to I dreamed of being that cool kid, even if it meant acting stupid. Aunt Edna always told me, "Keep makin' that face it'll get stuck like that". Meanwhile I'm just standing there holding my tongue trying to talk like that, until I stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign pole at 8 years old. I learned my lesson then because I wasn't trying to impress my friends any more but I already told you my whole life story...not just based on my description, because where you see it from where you're sitting is probably 110% different. I guess we would have to walk a mile in each other's shoes. What size you wear? I wear tens. Maybe we could switch shoes._

**Eli's Point Of View-**

I straighten the wrinkles in Clare's paper. There were smudges of ink throughout the paper and you can tell it had been cried on. Could I truly be trusted with this paper? I don't want to let her down will happen after I read this? Would I look at her differently? I guess there is only one way to find out.

**Sorry by Clare Edwards**

_ It seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face. You told me how proud you were, but I walked away. If only I knew what I know today because I would hold you in my arms...I would take the pain away...thank you for all you've done, forgive all your mistakes. There's nothing I wouldn't do to hear your voice again. Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there._

_ I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do and I've hurt myself by hurting you._

_ Some days I feel broken inside but I won't admit it. Sometimes I just wanna hide because I miss you and it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this._

_ Would you tell me I was wrong? Would you help me understand? Are you looking down upon me? Are you proud of who I am? There's nothing I wouldn't do to have just one more chance to look into your eyes and see you looking back._

_ If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that I've missed you since you've been away. It's dangerous...it's so out of line, to try and turn back time._

_ I spend all my time waiting for that second chance. I wait for the break that will make it okay. There's always some reason to not feel good enough and it's hard at the end of the day. I need some distraction...oh beautiful release. Memories seep from my veins. They may be empty and weightless but maybe it's the only way I'll find some peace tonight. _

_ In the arms of an angel I fly away from here from this dark, cold room, and the endlessness that I fear. I am pulled from the wreckage of my silent reverie. I am in the arms of an Angel; may I find some comfort here _

_ I'm so tired of the straight line. The storm keeps on twisting, and I keep on building the lies that I make up for all that I lack. People say it won't make a difference, escaping one last time doesn't make it easier to believe in this sweet madness/ glorious sadness and that brings me to my knees. _

**Clare's Point Of View-**

Eli and I were done reading each other's papers at the same time but I continued to stare down at his. Maybe he would think that I wasn't finished yet and we can avoid this conversation.

"I know you're done," Eli says. I sigh, lifting my head up. Much to my surprise, Eli's face looks the same way it did before he read my paper. I expected it to look...different.

"Your paper is good. It's very...powerful but it's kind of choppy and some sentences are really long so I would fix that. Besides that, it's A plus material," Eli states, causing me to stare at him like he was crazy. I just gave him enough material to hurt me for the next year and a half and all he is telling me is to fix some minor grammatical errors. This was...good, but I couldn't help but feel a little suspicious.

I clear my throat, shaking my head from left to right in disbelief. I almost felt like I had to pinch myself to convince myself that I wasn't dreaming but the best thing I could do in a situation like this was clear my head and give him advice on his paper.

"Your paper was very well written. It was a little bit awkwardly constructed, I would fix some of the paragraphs. For example, that Aunt Edna part could be your introduction and that thousand miles in each other's shoes could be at the end because you kind of sound like you're repeating yourself towards the end," I say. It was like we hadn't just heard each other's painful thoughts. We weren't even trying to bring it up. For the first time in my life, it was just how I wanted it to be.

**I know it is short but I'll update again in the next couple days. I'm sorry for taking so long...Review :)**


	25. Chapter 25

**Happy Birthday to Emily-Danielle :)**

We had ten minutes left in class, but Eli and I had already finished correcting each other's papers. Now, we sat there in yet another awkward silence. I looked towards the clock willing it to go faster, but knowing that I couldn't and didn't control time. I looked towards Adam, hoping that he was done so he could save me from this horrible silence, but his eyes were stuck on Fiona's paper, utter concentration sprawled across his face. I dragged my fingers down my desk, silently tapping the edges of it as Eli's eyes beat down on me.

"You seem uncomfortable," Eli jokes, causing me to send him a death glare. I gripped onto the sides of my desk despite how badly I wanted to clock him.

"Come on...you're _**still**_ not over what happened in the hospital."

"You've _**got **_to be kidding me. You left me stranded in a cold hospital room with no one to accompany but my tears, after insinuating to my ex-best friend that I was a..." I choked on the word and decided that I wouldn't say it because that would aknowledge it's prescence in my vocabulary. "Then, you yelled in my face that I was the reason your girlfriend left your sorry ass stranded."

"Clare, I already apologized. What else do you want me to do?" Eli asked, his voice taking on a hint of annoyance.

"Oh I don't know...maybe meaning it would help," I sarcastically mutter.

"But I do mean it," Eli defensively states.

"Whatever you say."

"Stop it Clare! Being an asshole is part of the who I am and if I didn't change it for Julia, I'm sure as hell not changing for you," Eli admits.

"Well then obviously this friendship isn't going to work," I point out.

"It has to work...for Mufasa's sake."

"I think we are doing just fine in that department," I whisper, trying to bring our conversation to its original level since in seems to have escalated. I remember how civil we were to each other that day I helped Eli build the train set for Mufasa.

"Listen Clare...all I'm asking for is another chance. I really think we can be friends if we tried to be," Eli said.

"_**I'm**_ not the one being mean to _**you**_."

"Oh right, like I was the one who sent you a death glare at the beginning of this conversation," Eli sarcastically points out.

"You can't blame me for having my walls built up so high. You haven't been the nicest person in the world," I reason. I can barely hear Eli's sigh over the bell's obnoxious loud ring. I was ready to leave until Eli stepped in front of me.

"Let's just start over, let me walk you to class," Eli offers.

"No," I sternly answer, not wanting people to think we were together. Not only would that just add feul to the fire of gossip, but it would also be completely humiliating.

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"I said no," I repeat, noticing how everyone was starting to file out of the classroom.

"Yes."

"No!"

"Clare, you're going to be late to class because I'm sure we both know that I'm too stubborn and will not move until you say yes," Eli smugly replies. I contemplated climbing over the desk but I was a klutz and my sweats would probably get caught in the chair. _That wouldn't be pretty_. I sigh in defeat.

"Fine but let's go, before flips the script," I say, remembering the last time a kid was late to his class without a pass. It was like he turned into a Bridezilla who had just ripped her wedding dress.

"Sure thing Edwards," Eli says, turning around and walking to the door. He held it open for me, to which I rolled my eyes at. He probably did this for so many girls that it became a force of habit.

"So what room?" he asks.

"A3," I simply reply, feeling uncomfortable as everyone stared us down. I had never had so many eyes on me at once.

"Soooo..." he attempts to break the silence.

"So."

"What was up with Miss Dawes today?" Eli asks.

"Oh...she's always hated me. I guess it's because Darcy is a trouble maker and always tries to get on her nerves so she hates me for it," I answer, remembering the time Darcy admitted to unscrewing the screws in her chair causing her to fall straight to the ground.

"I still can't believe you and Darcy are sisters."

"Why? We have the same last name."

"You guys are just totally different."

"Well, that didn't stop you from trying to hook up with either of us."

"Hold the phone, you think I hooked up with Darcy?"

"Don't play Eli, you know you guys totally made out that day you came over my house," I say, walking a little faster so there wouldn't be any eye contact. Eli grips onto my arm causing me to come to a halt. I twirl around to face him.

"What Eli? I'm going to be late to class," I say, trying to get out of his grasp.

"I did not make out with your sister," Eli assertively states.

"Sure," the word rolls of my tongue to show that I didn't believe him.

"Clare, I'm serious. Darcy and I just talked."

"Fine Eli, I believe you now can you let me go?" I ask still unconvinced. Eli rolls his eyes and let's me go. I only take two steps before I walk into yet another interruption.

"Watch were you're going whore," Jenna states, sporting a tight v-neck over her now empty uterus. She had given birth a couple weeks ago and now she was back at school resuming her spot as my number one tormentor. I roll my eyes, preparing to make a witty comeback until someone beat me to it.

"Look who's talking. You were the one who asked me if you could suck me in the boiler room a week ago," Eli smugly replies.

"You told her!" Jenna yelled, looking between Eli and I.

"No...but you just did," Eli says, a smirk etched onto his face.

"Ugh!" she groans, stomping her feet on the ground as she walked away. I should feel bad for her because I knew how it felt when Eli put me into that exact position but all I could do was throw my head back and laugh as she walked away in a fit. My laugh bubbled in my stomach and erupted in my chest. It felt good to feel like I was floating again.

"Jake was right, you do have a beautiful laugh," Eli interrupts my laugh. I roll my eyes, feeling heat creep onto my face. I hope he didn't notice that because that would just boost his ego up to impossiblely high levels.

"Using Jake's material...tsk, tsk, tsk...step your game up Romeo."


	26. Chapter 26

**I'm sorry for the wait...school is ridiculous :) Btw...I don't know about Canadian weather so I'm just going to describe American cycles. This is a really long chapter and I'm sure you'll LOVE IT! Review :)**

I walked into school with as much confidence as I could muster up. It was the worst day of the year. A mixture of love and depression filled the air. It was disgusting. The holiday was based around a creepy baby who flies around and shoots people. It was a holiday that my old friends used to love. Of course they would love it since they were the ones who got flowers every time they turned a corner. I, on the other hand, got nothing. Imagine my pathetic, underdeveloped body walking through a hallway of couples that were busy inspecting each other's mouths.

I never pay attention to where I am walking. I just let my feet lead me to their destination and never question them. Over the past couple weeks, my routine has kind of changed. As Eli fought to prove that he was worthy of my friendship, we spent more and more time with each other. My feet always managed to drag myself to his locker every morning. He seemed to like my company because once he was done taking his things out of his locker, he walked me to mine. It was _**our**_ routine. When I walked to his locker, he was usually the only one standing in the hallway. Today however, I noticed the long slender backs of multiple women who were probably twirling there hair and exposing as much clevege as they could. Valentine's Day was always a holiday when girls managed to gather up enough courage to flirt with guys that were out of their league. In this case, that guy was Eli. There was no way I was going to stand next to Eli as he picked the perfect girl from his crowd that will be the next score in his bed. Instead of stopping at his locker like I usually did, I decided to be a cock block.

"See you at my locker Romeo," I yelled. The name stuck to him over the past few weeks because of his countless attempts to make me blush, all of which he succeeded in. Give him any material and he'd spit back a panty dropping comment. I have a new found appreciation towards the women he puts his charms on. If I didn't know him, I'd be just like them. Unfortunetly, I know exactly who he was and I'm strong enough to fight them off. Sometimes, I don't think he even tries to make up material; it's like a second nature. Eli looked at me, smirking slightly, knowing exactly what I was doing. We used to get mad at each other for doing things like this but now we just find it amusing.

I could tell that his followers were mad at me but all I could do was laugh. I wonder if girls new about his wicked ways. I wonder if they cared. I'm not stupid, I know Eli is attractive but he has such a bitter, sarcastic soul. Not a lot of people like that. It's good for me though, it's like his bitterness subdues mine.

I eventually made it to the hallway were my locker was. From far away I noticed a yellow object clinging onto my locker. At first I thought that my eyes were tricking me but as I walked closer, I found out that indeed, this wasn't an optical illusion. Taped to my locker was a heart shaped box of candy with Spongebob's array of different faces scattered all over the place. Over one particular face of Spongebob blushing madly layed a single sticky note.

_Don't think I forgot that you used to love Spongebob. It wouldn't surprise me if you still do. And if you take a quick look to your right, you'll notice a pink chrysanthemum. I know how much you hated roses. I also noticed how you thought 'chrysanthemums' were the weirdest word to ever exsist. Let me stop sounding like a thirty year old stalker and let you enjoy your candy. __**Happy Valentine's Day -Jake**___

I smiled softly, holding the sticky note close to my chest. I picked up the single flower that was taped to my locker and twirled it in my fingers a couple of times before tucking it between a strand of my hair and my head. I can't believe he remembered how much I love Spongebob. I was having a remembering why I didn't kiss him before. This might have been the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.

"What's this?" Eli asks, draping his hand over my shoulder and ripping the note off of my candy box. I tried to snatch it away from him but he held it above my head.

"Give it back Eli," I murderously mumble.

"Why should I?"

"Eli come on," I plead, struggling to grab the note.

"Don't think I forgot that you used to love-" Eli starts reading it out loud. I noticed that he lowered it so I tried to snatch it. Somehow he noticed that I was about to reach for it and tried to pull it away. In the middle of all the commotion, I heard a rip. Half of the note manged to find its way back into my hand but the other half was in Eli's hand.

"If you wanted to read it so fucking bad, here you go you asshole," I say, finally fed up with his bullshit I threw the other half at him. I stormed away from him.

"Clare come on. It's just a note," Eli nonchalanty says, letting my anger roll down his shoulders.

"Eli, you and I are two totally differrent people. You get thousands of love letters from meaningless people and I get one from someone who means the world and you decide to rip it."

"Geez Clare chill. I'll make you one."

"Life isn't a show. I never wanted that note to show people. I wanted that note to keep as a memory but you had to ruin it," I emotionally state, tears invading my eyes.

"Okay, okay, I get it," Eli says, wrapping his arms around me, "I'm sorry."

"It probably took Jake a lot of guts to put that note on my locker after the things I've gotten him into. You should be apologizing to him."

"Never in a million years," Eli replies. I laugh, finding my way out of his arms.

"It was worth a try," I say, walking into my homeroom without saying goodbye.

"Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?" I called out as I walked into the giant house.

"Big Blue!" Mufasa excitedly called out from upstairs. He raced down the stairs and jumped on me in less than one minute, which is miraculous considering that the stairs are forever going.

"Well I was expecting someone bigger and with a lot more hair but I guess you're okay too," I joke, balancing Mufasa in my arms.

"I'm here," Eli pants, standing a couple of inches in front of Mufasa and I. Mufasa chuckles at him softly.

"What took you so long slow poke?" Mufasa asks innocently.

"Well considering that you basically zoomed down the stairs-"

"What can I say? People just can't wait to see me," I state concietedly.

"Don't get cocky Edwards," Mufasa warns, causing Eli to chuckle slightly.

"She has every right to be," Eli softly states, flashing me a warm smirk. The heat finds its way to my face once again.

"There you go again and yet you wonder why she calls you Romeo."

"I wasn't doing anything but telling the truth," Eli states, his hands flying up in defense. My stomach starts bubbling; I don't know if it was over anger or annoyance. I hate it when people openly flirt with me. Where does he get the confidence to say these things? I've rejected him like twenty times already. Is his ego really _**that **_indestructable?

"Geeez, Cece is right, you are beyond cheesy," Mufasa rolls his eyes.

"Hey! I'm paying for the ice cream!"

"That means absolutely nothing!" Mufasa proclaims.

"How so?" Eli asks.

"Clare would pay for me any time," Mufasa answers.

"Are you trying to ditch me?"

"I don't know. What do you think?"

"I think you're trying to ditch me."

"Maybe I am."

There was silence for another minute before Mufasa's face cracked into a giant smile. His head falls back as his chest begins to rumble in happiness. Eli and I laugh along. There was no way that Eli and Mufasa would ever get into an argument. After Julia left, everything seemed a lot more peaceful. There was no reason for Mufasa and Eli to fight.

Without any hesitance, Mufasa jumps out of my arms. Over the past month, I've realized that he is quite the dare devil. Cece has had to scorn him more than once for trying to jump off the railings of the steps. He swears that he can survive anything. However, he is also extremely intelligent. Ever since he started school, the teachers have contemplated sending him up a grade level. Although he's only in kindergarten, he knows how to read and has the vocabulary of a fourth grader. That's why we're buying him ice cream today. All he does is read all day so we decided to intoduce him to sunlight and take him to the park.

"So off we go?" Eli asks, wrapping his grey cardigan around his shoulders.

"Yes," Mufasa and I answer simaltaneously. When we walk outside, Eli immediately walks towards his new car.

"Actually, I think we should walk," I yell out towards Eli.

"I just ran down a flight of stairs, I'm too lazy," Eli complains. We all new he just wanted to drive considering he got his lisence a couple of weeks ago and was officially granted permission from Cece to ride by himself.

"Oh please ," I reply.

"Just let me drive," Eli begs, bringing his hands together.

"No," I answer.

"Please."

"I want to walk," Mufasa pipes in, he always seemed to take my side in situations like this.

"Ugh, fine," Eli says, jamming his keys into his pocket.

"Stop being a party pooper. It's beautiful outside," I say, twirling around on the sidewalk. My foot got caught in a loose branch and all the sudden I was falling backwards. I closed my eyes and perpared for the pain when a pair of strong arms wrapped around me. I didn't even have to open my eyes to know that they were Eli's. His minty scent was too profound to belong to anyone else. I slowly open my eyes hoping that this situation would be a lot less awkward.

"Are you sure you want to keep walking? You might kill yourself," Eli jokes. I smack his arm lightly, as he helps me up.

"Stop being mean, Eli," Mufasa scorns.

"Why am I always the bad guy? She was the one who hit me."

"Because you made fun of the fact that she can't stand up on her own without falling over."

"Hey! I can walk just fine."

"Yeah sure and pigs fly," Mufasa sarcastically replies. Eli laughs with him.

"Do you guys want me to go home?" I threaten.

"We're just joking," Mufasa answers.

"Better."

We continued to walk in the peaceful silence of each other's company. It really was a beautiful day out. It was that awkward moment when winter was transitioning to spring so the weather wasn't too cold or too hot. The light wind was tickling my bare face, purposely dragging stands of hair out of my bun. Eventually, we were in front of an ice cream stand.

"I want vanilla fudge with chocolate sprinkles," Mufasa announces. Eli nods and turns to the elderly woman scooping out the ice cream.

"Can I have a fudge swirl with chocolate sprinkles and a vanilla with rainbow sprinkles. What do you want Clare?" Eli asks turning towards me.

"I was planning on buying my own ice cream, thank you very much," I state, holding my head high and running my fingers over my soft grey sweat pants. I knew Eli was loaded but I can definitely afford my own ice cream.

"Can you just suck up your pride and let me buy you some ice cream?"

"I want to buy my own!"

"Young lady why you no let nice boyfrien' buy you ice cream?" the elderly woman states, flaunting her asian accent. Heat creeps onto my neck and I knew I was blushing.

"Yes Clare, why don't you let your nice boyfriend buy you an ice cream?" Mufasa asks, holding back a laugh. He was enjoying my embarrasment.

"Yes Clare, why not?" Eli asks, sporting a smug smirk.

"Well if you really want to buy me ice cream, I'll have one of everything," I joke. Eli's eyes widen, his head turning towards mine. I roll my eyes to a point were I thought they'd get stuck in the back of my head.

"I'm just kidding, just get me a chocolate with walnuts."

"Sure thing Baby," Eli jokes. I roll my eyes at him and look towards Mufasa who was trying his hardest not to laugh out loud. I turned my to the left, watching a couple as they walked up the sidewalk. One was a girl, the sun was glinting off of her thick, brown, curly locks. The jeans she was wearing hugged her curves perfectly. The other was a boy, his hair was also thick and brown but it was a lot less curly. It looked a lot like Eli's but a little bit neater. His body was built and he was dressed in something a male might wear when applying for a job at a bank. All in all, they were beauty in human form. Something about them seemed very familiar. As they got closer, I could hear a part of their conversation.

"When are we going to enroll into Degrassi?" the girl whines, throwing her head back in dispair.

"Chill Fi, I thought you loved it in New York. Why are you so eager to be back?" the male asks her. Fi...Fi...where did I know that name? Is it short for something? Fifi? Fantasia? Fiona?...Fiona, that's got to be it. How do I know that name? Fiona? Fiona Coyne!

"Fiona," I yell out, the girl turns her head towards me. Her eyes glaze over in recognition and her lips curl into a smile. She runs towards me in her stylish 5 inch heels and wraps her arms around me.

"Clare, is that really you? It's been so long," Fiona states, letting me go to further observe how much I've changed.

"Sure is. How long has it been? Three years?" I ask. The last time I saw Fiona was in sixth grade and we were attached at the hip.

"Just about. Do you remember my brother Declan?" Fiona asks, releasing me from her grip and gesturing towards the male model before me.

"How can I forget Toronto's first notorious player?" I question. Declan sends me his signature smile, showcasing his perfectly alligned teeth. He softly takes my hand in his.

"My, my, Edwards, the years have down you well," he flirts, placing a small kiss on my hand. I snatch my hand out of his grip and roll my eyes.

"I guess you haven't changed much," I state, Declan just smiles along.

"And who is this?" Fiona asks, looking towards Eli and dragging her lip into her mouth with her teeth.

"This is Eli, he's taken Declan's place as top womanizer," I answer.

"Really?" Fiona asked, sadness lacing her tone.

"I know, I'm starting to think that we should take up lesbianism."

"I would definitely support that," Eli adds, looking towards us like pieces of meat. Declan walks over to Eli and drapes his arm over his shoulder.

"I think we'll get along just fine," Declan admits.

"This can't be good," I whisper looking towards Fiona who is just rolling her eyes.

"Oh by the way, here's your ice cream," Eli says, handing me the chocolate cone.

"Why is he buying you ice cream by the way?" Fiona asks.

"Surprisingly, we're friends. I guess we just bonded over his little brother, Mufasa," I explain before she even questions it.

"Oh, where is this Mufasa? I want to meet him."

"He should be over-" when I turn around, Mufasa was no where to be found. I look to my other side but he isn't there either. My heart starts beating a little bit faster.

"Where's Mufasa?" I ask Eli, interrupting a conversation that he was having with Declan.

"I told him he could go the play ground around the corner," Eli nonchalantly answers.

"You what?" I ask, panic invading my voice. What if something happened to him? He was the one of the closest things to love that I had. I couldn't take losing someone else.

"I let him-"

"I heard you the first time but with who?" I ask, hopefully he let him go with someone he trusted.

"No one."

"What?" I yell, my ice cream cone falling out of my hands and splattering onto the ground.

"Hey that cost mo-"

"Eli are you an idiot. He can get hurt you asshole. What's wrong with you?" I scream, using all my force to smack Eli across the face. I never meant to smack him, it was like a reflex though. His skin turned red on contact. His face starts twitching with anger but I can care less. If something happens to Mufasa I will do more than harm his precious little face.

"Clare, calm down, this is a good neighborhood," Fiona tries to soothe me, placing a hand on my back. I flinch away from her touch.

"I should kill you," I yell, feeling tears invading my eyes. My teeth were clenched and my throat was closing up on me. I start running towards the play ground. My heart was pounding at an irregular rate and I couldn't breathe but I ran as fast as I could. When I reached the playground, my eyes started scanning through the kids to find Mufasa. When I couldn't find him the first couple minutes, I start to panic. Finally, I look towards the swings and he is quietly nestled into one of them. His body moved back and forth. I let tears cascade down my face as I run towards him. I tightly wrap him in my arms, afraid that if I let go he would vanish into thin air.

"Clare what's wrong? Why are you crying?" Mufasa asks, wrapping his tiny fingers around my neck.

"Your okay, right?" I mumble into his hair.

"I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?" Mufasa questions. I try to answer but I end up choking on a sob.

"Don't you ever leave my side again," I scold.

"Okay, okay, just calm down Big Blue," Mufasa's tiny little hand started massaging my hair. His movements caused my hair to tug at it's hair tie and it hurt but it was the thought that count.

"You see, he's fine," Eli pants from behind me. I pick Mufasa up and twirl around.

"No thanks to you. Eli, this was supposed to be fun. How could you put him into danger like that? You know a little girl got kidnapped and raped not too far from here just a couple months ago. How could you do something so stupid?"

"Clare he's fine! Look, I'm sorry if I scared you," Eli apologizes placing his hand on my shoulder. I wanted to take his apology and get over it but the burn in my chest was telling me not to. I manuvered myself out of his touch and glared at him.

"You can take Mufasa where ever he wants because I'm not going to ruin his day...but I want to go home."

"Clare, come on. I already apologized," Eli whispers, his voice was steady but his eyes were starting to ignite thier flames.

"I _**want **_to go home," venom invading my voice. Mufasa started to protest in my arms but I ignored him.

"Fine."

We walked down the next couple of blocks in silence. Mufasa had long ago jumped out of my arms and was giving me the cold shoulder. He didn't understand that I couldn't stand by Eli when he was so flippant in regards to the way he took care of him.

"It's raining," Mufasa pointed out.

"I don't feel it," Eli says. I stick out my hand and sure enough, droplets of water were falling from the sky.

"Just fuck my life," I yell, cursing at the sky above me.

"What does that mean?" Mufasa asks, his curious side forgetting that he was giving me the cold shoulder.

"Something you shouldn't repeat in front of Cece."

"My house is the closest. You can call your Dad from there and he'll pick you up," Eli says.

"Fine," I groan. It's just my luck that it started raining when I wanted to get home so badly. What had happened to the beautiful weather that was present earlier on in the day? Sometimes I honestly believe that the Devil was out to get me.

"We better hurry though. It's coming down pretty hard."

Through the window in Eli's living room I can see the droplets of water attacking the ground. I could hear each of them explode as they hit the Earth's surface. Lightning was leaving its mark in the sky and thunder was crying in dispair. The roads were vacant and I was almost positive that they were going to stay that way. Who would want to drive in the middle of this war?

"Clare, I called your father. He said you stay here for the night," Cece says as she walks into the living room.

"What about school tomorrow?"

"There's no need to worry. I just got a call, school is going to be canceled tomorrow."

"Okay."

"Are you okay sweetheart? Do the clothes fit you?" Cece politely asks, taking in my frazzled demeanor.

"Yeah, I'm just a little bit tired," I admit. The weight of the day's events was getting stuck on body.

"It's around ten o'clock. Why don't you head to bed?" Cece offers.

"Okay, I guess I will," heading in the direction of the guest room that had already been set up for me by one of the maids. I tossed and turned, trying to assimilate to a bed that was way too soft for my taste. Eventually, the sand man came to claim another victim and I was out cold.

_"Hello Darling," my mom churps, the sun uliminating her body. My dreams always started out good so I wasn't surprised to see the beautiful smile that stretched onto her face._

_ "Hey Mommy."_

_ "What's wrong Sweetie, you seem tense?"_

_ "Eli and I went to the park with Mufasa and he almost got him killed!" I dramatically state._

_ "Who's Mufasa?"_

_ "His adopted brother."_

_ "Can I meet him?"_

_ "I don't think I can just bring him to life into one of my dreams-"_

_ "Clare?" an uncertain voice calls out. I didn't even have to look to see that it was Mufasa's._

_ "Or maybe I can."_

_ "Well isn't he the cutest," my mom claims, lifting Mufasa up into her arms._

_ "Yeah."_

_ "Oh he'll love him."_

_ "Who will love him?" I ask curiously._

_ "Death," my mother simply answers. All of the sudden, a figure in black appears behind her and places his hand on Mufasa's shoulder. His touch set the little boy on fire and soon enough, my mother and Mufasa were melting in front of me._

_ "Stop!" I cry out. For the first time ever, my screams for help were actually heard. However, Death just laughed in my face, the fire surrounding him._

_ "You can't take him," I scream, my knees buckling beneath me causing me to fall to the ground. However, they kept on melting until all that was left was ash. The fire just kept on going though. It burned down everything in it's sight._

_ "You already took her. Why do you have to take him too?" I cry, bringing my knees to my chest. Death was long gone but the need to scream still resided in my chest. It was as if I screamed loud enough, Mufasa would be right back in my arms. I willed myself to wake up because I knew this was a nightmare but I couldn't. I could feel the flames approaching me but I couldn't move. It was like I was glued to the ground. It came closer and closer and blew hot air into my face. It was taking its time to reach me but all I could do was sit there and let out useless screams. I was left with the panic in my chest and that was much worst them the flames actually devouring me._

**Eli's Point Of View-**

It was dark in my room and everyone had went to sleep long ago. I couldn't will myself to close my eyes. I was too busy recounting the memories of the day. Clare was right, how could I ever put Mufasa into so much danger? I just let him run off without a hint of hesitation. How can I be so ignorant?

Where will this leave my relationship with Clare? We were doing so well. I managed to go three weeks without being a total dick. She was starting to warm up to me. It was the greatest feeling in the world. Someone finally trusted me. She actually cared about me enough to rely on me. Then I had to go and screw it all up.

I hear a faint noise and since I know that everyone else in the house is a heavy sleeper, I decided to investigate. I threw a random shirt on and walked into the hallway. As I went deeper and deeper into the hallway, the noise became more prominent. I started to realize that it was someone screaming, not just anyone, Clare. Without thinking, I ran to her room. Half way there I started to realize that whatever was making her scream was something that I couldn't fight without a weapon but there was no time for that so I kept on running. If it weren't for the three hallways I had to pass I would've gotten there faster but the only thing that mattered was that I got there.

When I walked into the room, my heart practically broke in two. Sure, I had seen Clare cry, she does it like every week but I had never seen her this distressed before. Her back was arched of the bed and her fist were gripping tightly onto the thin blanket around her. Her eyes were clenched shut and her face was twisted into the most painful expression I had ever seen. However, the most heart wrenching was her constant screams. They just fell past her lips and I had no clue what they meant but they sounded so strangled and pleading that I just wanted to cry for her.

"No! You can't take him!" she screams, tears running down her cheeks.

"Clare," I whisper softly, not wanting to scare her. Although, I don't think anything could be more scary than what she was thinking about but I didn't want to add on.

"Stop it! You've already taken everything! Why him? What more do you need?" she croaks, her body violently shaking.

"Clare," I say louder, walking towards her bed.

"Please," she pleads, her voice lowering in defeat. I'm pretty sure that that's when my heart exploding. Pushing my hesitance to the side, I sat on the edge of the bed, pulled her into my lap and wrapped his arms around her. She struggled at first but then snuggled into me.

"Clare you have to wake up. It's just a dream," I whisper, shaking her lightly. Slowly but surely, she opens her eyes. Her eyes are still glazed over and she was still very much in panic mode. Her breathing was far from steady.

"What are you doing here?" she pants.

"Clare, I think you should focus on breathing, not me."

"How much did you see? This is just so fucking great," Clare sarcastically states, her breathing pattern even more uneven.

"It doesn't matter, just calm down."

"Why did you let Mufasa walk by himself?"

"Because I'm an idiot," I immediately answer. Clare looks down and by the shaking in her body, I could tell she was crying again.

"I don't like overreacting, but I already lost someone. You have no idea how much that hurts," Clare coughs up.

"You're right, I don't. I should've been more conscious towards your emotions. I'm sorry," I mumble, moving his fingers under her chin and lifting her face towards his. I wanted to make her see how sincere I was being.

"I know," she whispers, her breathing was still uneven but it was getting better.

"Do you want to tell me what it was about?" I ask.

"I don't ever want to relive it again," she answers. I took that as a no and stayed silent. It wasn't until then that I took in her entire appearance. Her sweats and sweater were gone and if it weren't for the over-sized shirt that hit right above her knees, I would've gotten a full show. Her legs were very long and shiny and I had trouble figuring out why she would hide them. Her hair was out of her bun and despite the few strands that were out of place, it fell down her back in thick curls. I never realized them before because they were always hidden behind her glasses but now, it was hard to miss them. They were giant and the clearest blue I had ever seen. The light film of tears in her eyes made them glow. Unintentionally, I looked down at her lips. They were full and still looked as soft as ever. The scent of strawberry flew off her body and into my nostrils. She was the prettiest thing I had ever seen. The girls I usually dated, or in better words 'fucked', caked on too much make up and spent hours straightening their hair to perfection. Clare was completely different, she had natural beauty and I had never been more attracted to anyone than I was at that very moment.

"Your beautiful," I mumble, the words flowing out me effortlessly.

"Thank you," she says, bowing her head in embarrasment before looking at me again. I tried to ignore the ache in my stomach but I just couldn't. It screamed for her and just wouldn't shut up.

"Don't freak out but I might really want to kiss you right now," I whisper, the words slipping out before I could suck them back in.

"Don't freak out but I might just kiss back," Clare whispers, her breathe hitting my face softly. My eyes open widely but it doesn't take long for me to process her words. I dip down and drag her lips towards mine. My hand dangling on her lower back. When I finally got to taste her, it was much better than I had ever imagined. She taste like cotton candy- the most addicting cotton candy to ever roam the earth. I noticed that her lips were hesitant and I could tell that she wasn't experienced but that just made me want to kiss her more. My lips moved faster against hers and eventually, she got used to it. She brought her hands to my neck and wove her fingers in my hair. This kiss felt different than any other kiss I've ever had. It was 100% more intense, the emotions inside of me were more extreme. I couldn't even think. All I could focus on was how her lips felt on mine. There was no rush to lay her down like I had with the other girls. It was like the kiss filled my hunger. Eventually she pulled away.

"Wow," I whispered.

"I can not believe I just did that," Clare incoherently mumbles to herself. I didn't let her say anything else before I brought my lips to hers again.

**Author's Note- Let the Eclare BEGIN!**


	27. Chapter 27

**New Chapter? Yes.**

**Can you Review? Please!**

**Do I own Degrassi? In my Dreams.**

"So where does this leave us?" I ask, securing my long curly hair in a stable yet messy bun. Looking towards Eli, I noticed that his eyes were on me but they had a distant look in them.

"Hello?"

"I'm not going to be your boyfriend," he states, folding his arm over his bare upper body. His abs deeply outlined by the way he was curled onto the bed.

"I know," I say. Not only is Eli far from ready to make a commitment with me, he also just got out of a hard breakup with no sense of closure. Eli wasn't one to commit, I'm surprised that he was even with Julia for so long. Eli is the kind of guy that sleeps with multiple girls in the same week and has a hard time remembering their names. However, on a rare occasion that he does end up settling, he falls too fast and too hard for anyone to catch him. The question is, am I willing to give my lips to a man who doesn't think this is serious?

"I'm not going to have sex with you," I mutter. Although, I threw my purity ring out the window (literally) long ago, I still find sex to be something special that you should share with someone important.

"I kind of already realized that. You're a lot different than the other girls I've been with. You have a lot of respect for yourself," Eli says, his mouth turning into the smirk that I've come to love. Suddenly I had this urge in my stomach and instead of denying it, I wrapped my legs on either of his sides and leaned in to kiss him, softly nipping at his bottom lip. Eli automatically brought his hand to the sides of my shirts, bunching the cloth in his fists. He ran his toungue over my bottom lip and I opened my mouth for him. His toungue traced the outline of her teeth. My eyes were closed tightly and I couldn't think of any other place I'd rather be. I sighed into his mouth before removing my lips from his.

"I like kissing you," I admit, finally opening my eyes as I placed my forhead against his. Looking towards his eyes, I could've sworn I saw admiration in his eyes. Our breathes were dancing with each other and it was the best feeling in the world. I could finally smell his natural scent, not the artificial minty scent but his true scent; he smelled just like chocolate. I had a hard time figuring out why Julia would ever leave something so sweet.

"I do too. Why do we have to make it out to something it's not? I like it when your in my arms, you like it when I hold you. Why don't we just do what we like?" Eli asks. I close my eyes considering what he was saying. He was basically describing something that a girl with no morals would do. I know that the sane part of my mind doesn't want to be like the other girls he's been with but it was really hard to think when his arms were massaging my sides.

"Why not?" I say, opening my eyes to his smiling face.

"Good. We're on the same page," Eli says.

"I have rules though..."

"What rules?"

"This is between us. The entire school doesn't need to know about what goes on in my life," I remind him. The sting of his previous words finding its way into my chest.

"Since when did you care about your reputation?" Eli asks.

"Since you made it something I had to worry about," I shoot back, moving my head away from his. Eli bows his head a little.

"Yeah...uh...sorry about that," Eli mumbles, awkwardly dragging his eyes back to mine.

"You've already apologized. I'm over it. If I wasn't, do you think I'd be kissing you?"

"I never thought you'd actually admit to kissing me."

"Well I never thought that I would kiss you back," I simply reply, removing myself from his lap and readjusting my sweats.

"Mufasa will probably wake up soon. Let's go make him breakfast," I suggest.

"We have maids to do that," Eli groans.

"You don't have to come if you don't want to but I'm going to cook," I reply, strutting out the room and straight towards the kitchen. By the time I got their, one of Eli's maids was already sauntering towards the kitchen. By the way she was dragging her feet and yawning, I could tell that she was tired.

"Oh hi," she cries in surprise.

"Hello," I shrinkingly respond.

"You're Miss Edwards I suppose," his maid eloquently replies.

"You can call me Clare."

"Well Clare, may I ask why you are up early?"

"I wanted to make breakfast," I reply. She looks at me in surprise, almost as if I was talking in Russian.

"But I usually do that..."

"I know and you've done a really good job...trust me...I've eaten breakfast at the Goldsworthy residence before but you look tired. Let me give you a break."

"Oh...well...thank you. If there's anything you need, I can help you."

"You can go back to sleep. I'll wake you up when everythings ready."

"Are you sure Miss Ed-"

"It's Clare."

"Are you sure Clare?" she corrects herself.

"Yes Miss...I'm sorry but what's your name?"

"Mariana Rosario."

"Well Miss Rosario, thanks for the offer but I want to thank the Goldsworthy's for letting me stay," I turn around and look in the pantry but the weight of her prescence was still in the kitchen. I turn around and sure enough, she was just standing there.

"Are you okay?" I ask, genuinely concerned that she might be sick. She continues to look at me, a soft, weak smile on her face.

"No I'm fine, just...a little confused?"

"Why?"

"Well you barge into the kitchen and decide you want to make breakfast, which isn't really that fun, to let me have a little bit more sleep and give thanks to a family that loves you and would let you in with or without cooking them breakfast. Secondly, no one has ever given me enough respect to call me Miss," she says, continuing to smile at me.

"Well I like to cook and you look tired. It isn't that big of a deal," I admit, shrugging my shoulders.

"Why are you with him?" Miss Rosario asks, quickly covering her mouth with her hand as if that one comment would get her fired.

"How did you know about Eli and I?" I ask. I found it ridiculous how fast our 'relationship' was out in the open.

"Sorry, it's just that my room is right down the hallway from the guest room and I might have heard a thing or two. Please forgive me Miss Edwards," Miss Rosario quickly apologizes.

"The only time you should be worried is if you call me Miss Edwards again. I should ask for your forgiveness...I didn't know that we were that...um...loud," I stutter out, looking down towards my bare feet.

"I shouldn't have been listening."

"You can't block out sound unless your deaf. It wasn't your fault and I'm sorry but what's so bad about Eli that your cautious towards my relationship with him."

"I don't want to intrude in your business."

"No offense but you already brought it up."

"It's just...I've known Eli since he was four, I practically raised him. He's a very sweet and charming boy but I know the way he treats women. You seem like a smart, independent young lady. Why would you go for someone like him?"

"I know who Eli is. He may have a tough exterier but he has a heart somewhere in his body. I know what he does to girls but I'm immune to it. Eli's ways don't affect me. It's safe to say that I like his company. It makes me feel good and although we both know it won't lead to anything we really want, we are going to enjoy it while it lasts," I answer, taking some cinnamon and bread out of the cabinets and walking towards the fridge.

"I get that but what happens when one of you gets tired and walks away?"

"I've been through way too much to cry over a boy. I'll be fine," I assure Miss Rosario.

"You seem good for him."

"Thanks but do you think you can keep this to yourself?" I ask, taking some eggs and milk out the refridgerator.

"Sure. I think I'm going to head back to bed."

"Have a good nap," I smile towards her and continue looking for the ingredients I needed.

**Two Hours Later-**

Eli never ended up coming as I had hoped but I pushed that thought to the side. I cooked a lot more than I expected to but I needed to busy myself in order to keep my mind from wandering. On the table in front of me there was one giant tray of scrambled eggs, a smaller tray of bacon, fifteen slices of french toast, a bowl filled with various fruit that had been chopped up into bit sized pieces, a pot of coffe, a pitcher of cream and a pitcher of orange juice. Surrounding the boat load of food were seven sets of plates, cups, spoons, forks and napkins. There were five for the Goldsworthys and I and another for Mariana. I felt bad about going through all that food but then I remembered that the Goldsworthys were rich and the guilt lessened. Suddenly I heard a voice behind me.

"I thought you said you were going to cook breakfast, not a buffet," Eli joked, wrapping his arms around me. His minty scent was back and it reminded me of his arrogant side. Forgetting that thought, I twirled around in his arms and gave him a soft kiss on the lips.

"Can you wake up your parents and Mufasa?" I politely ask, draping my arms over his neck.

"Sure thing," Eli replies, kissing my lips again. He slowly shifted his head and began to kiss my cheek. As he got closer to my jaw, his kisses got softer. For some reason the softer his kisses got the harder it got to breathe. Ignoring the boiling urge in the pit of my stomach, I lifted Eli's face from mine.

"You...have to...wake up your parents," I remind him, trying to regain my breathe. Losing a regular breathing pattern was normal for me but it never felt this good.

"Sure thing," Eli smugly replies, walking away with a confident strut. I roll my eyes towards him. Stupid horomones just had to make me putty in his hands. He'll never let this go.

I decided that as Eli was waking up his family, I was going to wake Miss Rosario up. I walked down the hallway of the room I was sleeping in and sure enough, there was a door. I knocked softly but when there wasn't a response I decided it would be best to go inside.

Her walls were blue and covered in pictures of her family. One in particular caught my eye. It was of a little boy in a red shirt and a denim jumper, his hair was long and fell just above his shoulders in thick brown curls. If it weren't for the deep green eyes, I wouldn't have been able to realize that that boy was Eli.

"He was so cute wasn't he," Miss Rosario's voice startles me. When I looked towards her bed, she was sitting up and rubbing her eyes.

"I'm sorry I woke you up but breakfast is ready."

"I appreciate the offer but maids usually don't eat with their bosses."

"Nonsense, I'm sure Cece won't mind."

"I guess-"

"Great," I interrupt, grabbing her hand and helping her out of bed. When we reached the kitchen Eli and his family had just arrived. They were getting seated as I strolled up. Miss Rosario was hesitantly standing by the door. I rolled my eyes at her fear and turned towards Cece.

"Do you think Miss Rosario can sit with us?" I politely ask Cece.

"Sure Mariana, you don't even have to ask. Besides, we're going to need help eating this giant meal that Clare prepared for us," Cece chirps and turns towards Miss Rosario who sends her a giant smile. She sits down in the seat next to Mufasa who was happy as usual. I decide to sit in between Mufasa and Eli.

"How was your sleep?" I politely ask Cece as I reached over the table for some french toast.

"It was amazing. You are a really good cook by the way," Cece says, chewing a mouthful of scrambled eggs. I smile towards her.

"Thank you very much."

"I didn't know you could cook," Bullfrog grunts, swallowing his fifth peice of bacon.

"My mom was a chef before...that happened," I mumble, awkwardly popping a piece of bacon in my mouth.

"Well she passed her skill down. Eli could use a girl like you," Bullfrog states. I choke on the bacon I was chewing on before forcing it to go down my throat. Did he know? He couldn't, his room is on the third floor of the house.

"Please Clare would never settle for Eli," Mufasa jokes.

"Why is that Baby Boy?" Cece asks.

"He's too squishy for her. That softly can't handle Clare," Mufasa jokes. I giggle at his response. He says the most random things. My giggle turns into a full blown laugh as I realize the irony of the subject. Eli _**can **_handle me because he _**is**_ with me. Eli looks at me like I'm crazy before his face breaks out into a smile and he starts laughing too. Bullfrog looks towards Eli and I and starts laughing too. My laughing continued as I heard Bullfrog laugh. Bullfrog has such a deep, raspy voice but when he laughs, he sounds like a five year old girl. I laughed so hard that my sides burned. As I looked around the table, I noticed that every one was laughing and my heart warmed. I was part of the Goldsworthy family and I didn't even notice it.

**Sorry if this sucked but I have writers block. It'll get better I promise. Review**


	28. Chapter 28

**I take forever...I know...I don't know about you but I feel like Eli and Clare are this close to getting back together...she just needs to realize that he won't be pining after her forever and not to be mean but Imogen is the perfect example. Elmo will probably split because Imogen and Fiona will start dating but until then, I'll fill my story with Eclare fluff to the best of my ability...Review!**

"Did you have any clue that Mariana knew about us?" Eli asked as I approached him. I don't know how he saw me since he was turned towards his locker. I walked closer to him and leaned on the locker next to his.

"Talk a little louder and she won't be the only one who knows."

"Did you tell her? I thought we had rules," Eli states, his voice rising in agitation. I roll my eyes at Eli's exageration.

"Chill. She heard us. You would think that _**someone**_ would know that their maids room is right across from the room they were making out in," I say as Eli rolls his eyes, a slight smirk rolling onto his lips. Eli leaned closer to me and I thought he was going to kiss me until his mouth reached my ear.

"That makes sense, you did moan pretty loud when my hands were under your shirt," Eli mocks and I didn't even have to look at him to realize that his eyebrows were wiggling about. I pushed him away from me.

"It was only for like sixty seconds you jerk," I yell-whisper, trying my best not to burst out laughing.

"Do you know what I can do in one minute?" Eli asks, locking his locker swiftly.

"Oh trust me, I've heard," I joke.

"Are you questioning my endurance?" Eli questions.

"Am I?" I ask, walking away towards my locker, taking ease in knowing that he was following me.

"Too bad you'll never get to find out," he whispers into my ear from behind. His voice sending shivers across my skin.

"Keep walking Romeo," I try to cover my infatuation.

"I would if we weren't at your locker already," Eli jokes. When I finally notice my surrounding, we were in deed in front of my locker. So much for not looking like a blubbering fool. Eli starts laughing at the affect he has on me.

"Clare?" a curious voice asks from behind me. I turn around and notice that Adam and Jake are standing behind me.

"Hey," I nonchalantly reply. There is an awkward silence that laced around our bodies. It made me feel itchy and disgusted with myself. Words tasted so sweet on the tip of my toungue but I bit them back. I had to hear what they had to say.

"What's he doing here?" Adam questions his voice sounding more poisonous than it's ever been. It took me a while to think of an approriate answer since I didn't truly understand why he was here either.

"He apolgized," I reply. Jake chuckles, the amused look on his face contradicting the anger in his eyes.

"And you believed him?" Jake questions, forgetting Eli's prescence and looking straight at me.

"He was being sincere."

"Clare, are you an idiot? He's obviously using you. It won't be long before you're tangled up in his sheets. He's done to much to us," Jake rants. I hold back the urge to roll my eyes.

"I can handle myself," I defensively state. Jake chuckles again, looking away.

"Really because I'm sure the cuts up and down your arm beg to differ."

Silence was upon us again. I didn't know how I should take that. I didn't think I should be offended because he's partly right. I didn't know if I should start crying because that's what I would usually do. I didn't even know if I should just let him continue his rant.

"Why would you bring that up?" I monotonously state.

"Clare, he isn't the right person to hang out with. He'll hurt you."

"Well right now, he seems like a better canidate than you."

"Whatever but don't come crying to me when he fucks you over," Jake immediately replies, confidently walking away. I watch his lanky figure walking away with anger in each step and all I can think about was the fact that I was tired. I was tired of having to fake a smile just so I could feel a fragment of happiness in my heart. I want to be able to smile effortlessly and that only happens when I'm around Eli. I turn towards Adam, hoping that he wasn't going to run away from me too. He's completely shell shocked and I didn't know what to say, so I did what I used to do expertly and said nothing.

"Listen Adam, I'm sorry. I'm an asshole. I'll do anything if you forgive me," Eli seriously offers. Adam stays silent, looking over the two of us.

"Adam, he's being serious," I try to persuade him.

"I'll never forgive you," Adam whispers, and I thought all hope was lost," but we can move on from this."

Eli extends his hand in what seemed like an attempt to start their handshake but Adam just stared down at it.

"We'll get there but for now, you have to work your way up," Adam whispers, walking away, with a silent stride. It almost seemed like he was floating. His footsteps were unable to be heard and it was just silent...a good, peaceful silence. I look towards Eli and smile, everything was working out perfectly. Looking down the hall and making sure no one was looking a quickly wrapped my arms around him for what I hoped would be a quick hug. We must've been on a different page because Eli tightly wrapped him arms around me, it was like I was a piece of wood in his vice. I sighed, for once I felt taken cared of. The future looked bright whether it had Jake in it or not.

**Lunch Time-**

Walking into lunch used to be the hardest part of my high school life. All this confusion from who I should trust and who I shouldn't has caused me to walk into lunch and literally wait for someone to ask me to sit with them. Today is different though, I know exactly were my spot is...right next to Eli. For the first time, I could confidentally walk through the lunch room with my head held high. I slid into the seat next to Eli, ignoring the rude glares I was getting from everyone at the table.

"What are you doing here Edwards?" Marisol spits. I roll my eyes at her unconsiderate words. One day a bunch of hands are going to rip through the ground and drag her to hell. Deciding not to respond to her comment with one of my own, I turned towards Eli. I stole one of the fries from his plate, and popped it into my mouth.

"So Goldsworthy, how were your classes?" I ask, munching loudly in an attempt to disgust Marisol. This girl is so preppy that she couldn't even grab a rag at the car wash in seventh grade.

"Fine," Eli coldly replies, staring down at his tray. He was being so cold that I could feel a cool breeze radiating off of his skin. I swallow nervously. What did I do wrong?

"Did I do something wrong?" I hesitantly ask.

"He probably doesn't want to catch an STD," Marisol jeers. Eli looked up at her in anger.

"Shut up Marisol. You don't know shit," Eli defends me but his eyes continue to avoid mine.

"Whatever," I mutter under my breathe and pop another of his fries into my mouth. I reach into my book bag and pull out my Science binder, opening to my half finished homework.

"You're seriously going to do your homework in lunch?" Marisol asks.

"You're seriously going to comment on everything I do," I reply, rolling my eyes as I took out a pencil and began working on my balancing equations sheet.

"You got number seven wrong," Eli says, pointing to my miscalculation.

"How did you know that?"

"I'm not stupid."

"I never said you were."

"You insinuated it."

"What are your grades anyways?"

"I get straight A's," Eli says. I drop my pencil suddenly and snap my head towards him.

"You're lying," I joke.

"Oh whatever Clare, just because I have a life and don't study every minute of my life like you do doesn't mean I can't be as smart as you."

"Wow, that was pretty fucked up," I reply, not really caring but making it seem like I cared. I've been called a nerd by more people than I can count.

"You called me stupid, Clare. What do you expect a fucking cake?"

"No...but I didn't expect retaliation."

"It's not like I'm just going to sit down and take it."

"Well...I'm sorry...I guess," I shrug, wondering what got his panties in a bunch. He knows I like fucking with his mind. Did he really take my joke seriously? I make negative comments towards him all the time, that's what was so fun, I knew he always had something to say back.

"Bet you are," he says, crossing his arms over the table and shoving his face into them. I roll my eyes at him and go back to my sheet.

"Oh Clare Bear," Fiona calls from the other side of the cafeteria. I flip my head over towards her. Her hand gestured me over. Should I stay here or go there? Once I was done with my homework...who was I going to talk to? Eli didn't seem up for a conversation with anyone and I haven't seen Fiona in a long time. I would have to talk to Marisol. _**Well, I'm off! **_

"We'll take about this when I come to your house after school," I whisper into Eli's visible ear before walking away.

"Are you sure you guys aren't together?" Fiona asks as I slide into the seat next to her.

"Why would you say that?"

"You guys look awfully close," Fiona replies.

"Well no, we aren't together. He's just...a friend," I answer.

"Whatever you say."

"What about you, any special guys in your life?" I ask. Fiona blushes slightly but smiles nonetheless.

"Did I forget to tell you? I'm bisexual," Fiona confidentally states, flipping her hair over her shoulder. It takes me a while to process her words but after a while they stuck in my brain.

"Cool but that doesn't really answer my question," I say. This sneaky girl tried to beat around the bush by telling me this huge secret.

"Well kind of but I'll tell you about it later."

"I won't forget."

"I know you won't. How about I go to your house after school and tell you?"

"I'm going over Eli's but I'm sure he won't mind if you come too. Maybe you can bring Declan so they can chill."

"Okie Dokie!"

**I know it sucks but please review...I'll update soon. I take forever don't I!**


	29. Chapter 29

**Yikes...re-reading that chapter made me realize how horrible it was...I changed what grades they are in. Clare is a sophmore. Eli is a junior. It seemed unrealistic for Eli be sleeping with all these girls when he's only a sophmore. I will probably upload another chapter this week but it depends on how many reviews I get. Anyways...REVIEW**

"Hello," Eli greets as I walk through his front door, his hands immediately wrapping around my waist and dragging my body towards his. He smirks down at me as I put my hand on his chest. Tilting his head to the side, he begins to lean down. Without warning I decide to push him away.

"Any explanation as to why you were such a jerk during lunch?'

"Well considering that you were making it pretty obvious that we were together, I decided I had to be the one making it more realistic," Eli states. I roll my eyes (people should start keeping track of how many times I do that around him).

"Cut the crap, I acted the same way I did when you were trying to gain my trust," I reply, hoping that he would suck that lie back up into his mouth.

"Clare, you were stealing my fries and flirting so stop denying it."

"I'll give you thirty seconds to apologize for your rude behavior or I'm leaving," I say, providing him with an ultimatum. Eli looks at me incredulously.

"For what!"  
>"30...29...28...27...26...25."<p>

"Clare, I have nothing to apologize for. You made up the rules, I was just trying to stick with them."

"24...23...22...21...20."

"Clare, stop being childish I'm not going to apologize."

"Eli whether you were trying to help us or not...you were being a _**jerk.**_ Apologize or this thing will be over as fast as it started," I angrily whisper. Eli contemplates it for a minute before sighing loudly.

"Fine, if that's what you want, I'll do it. I'm sorry I was being a jerk but we are trying to keep this a secret, lower the level of flirting," Eli says, sounding more mature than usually. I walk towards him and wrap my arms around his neck.

"You're just mad because I stole your fries," I joke, pecking his lips softly. His arm drapes around my back as he brings me in for another kiss. This time his lips wrapped around mine with hunger and need. I wasn't used to kisses like these so I just went with the flow that he created for us. His lips detached themselves from mine as he made his way down my cheek and to my jaw.

"Where are the rest of the Goldsworthys?" I ask, suspicious as to why he would kiss me in the middle of the entrance to his house.

"Cece and Bullfrog took Mufasa out to the movies. We have the entire house to ourselves," Eli says, I feel him smirk against my skin.

"About that..."

"What?" Eli asks, removing his head from mine.

"I may or may not have invited Fiona and her brother over and she may or may not be on her way as we speak."

"Ugh," Eli groans, dropping his head on my shoulder.

"Oh please, you know you want to talk to Declan about all the girls you slept with," I joke.

"It hasn't been that many," Eli says into my shoulder.

"Please, even as a junior in high school, you've fucked more females than my father and yours put together."

"That's a bit of an exageration."

"I doubt it."

Eli is about to reply when the bell rings. He groans internally and saunters towards the door. Before I know it, Fiona's voice is booming through the house.

"This place is spectacular, I have to tell my mom to get us a rose garden too," Fiona gushes. _**I forgot all my friends are rich.**_

__"It would be better than buying roses for every girl I invite over," Declan jokes.

"You actually buy them stuff," Eli adds, earning a punch in the shoulder. Guys treat girls like shit. Declan laughs until he gets punched in the shoulder by Fiona.

"Ugh...you guys are slobs. I'm going to hang out with Fiona," I answer, grabbing her hand and pulling her towards the guest room. This room is basically mine considering that I'm over here all the time.

"So, what's new?" she asks, plopping down onto the bed.

"Nothing, I'm just wondering who my friend Fiona likes," I say with a shrug.

"I guess you remembered," Fiona groans, shoving her face into her hands.

"I said I wouldn't forget."

"Fine...do you know Adam?" Fiona asks.

"Oh yeah, he's one of my best friends-"

It wasn't until then that I noticed the blush that crossed Fiona's face. She dragged her lip into her mouth. It was rare to see Fiona shy. She was outgoing, that's why we got along so well. I was too shy to talk and she was too popular to shut up. She got on my nerves but on the rare occasion that I actually spoke, she would listen. Now that I realize how precious words are, there was no way I was going to ever be shy again. She'll listen...I know she will and the best thing is that she's loyal. No one is going to sway her opinion on me.

"You like Adam!" I yell. Fiona runs to me and puts her hand over my mouth like doing that would suck the words back into my mouth.

"Don't scream, I don't need my brother finding out," she desperately pleads.

"This house is way too big for him to hear you," I try to say but with Fiona's hand covering my mouth, it sounded like this: _**Dis how is tugh big or him tugh heurgh u.**_

__"I'm not taking any chances," Fiona replies, hesitantly removing her hand from my mouth. Fiona sits back on the bed, waiting for a reaction.

"I just have to ask a couple of questions."

"Ask away."

"You know about his situation...right?" I question, afraid that she might not know and that revealing Adam's secret would ruin his chances with her.

"You mean the FTM thing?"she asks. I nod my head.

"Yeah, I knew about that already."

"And you want to date him as the _**male**_ he is?"

"If you're trying to figure out if I'm dating him because of the boobs...then no. I see him as 100% male," Fiona confidently answers. I smile widely at her.

"Then I'll put in a good word."

"Really?" Fiona asks excitedly.

"Hell yeah! You're nice, intelligent and _**smoking. **_You would be the perfect match for Adam," I compliment her honestly.

"Thank you," she squeals, wrapping her arms around me in a tight hug. When she releases me, I walk towards the drawer in the corner of the room and take out one of the shirts I left here. Fiona gives me a look that I can't quite decipher.

"Why do you have clothes here?" she asks. I sigh loudly, her annoying side is coming out.

"We are not together. I'm just over here a lot." I've said it so many times that I'm even starting to believe it.

"I was just asking, no need to get defensive," Fiona says with a giggle.

"Yeah, sure."

"So what's new with Alli and Julia? I haven't gotten in touch with them since I came here," Fiona casually asks. I stiffen at the sound of their names.

"Did I say something wrong?"

"I...I just don't talk to them anymore."

"What? We used to be BFFs. What happened?" Fiona asks.

"It's a long story," I sigh. Fiona looks at her watch then back at me.

"Well would you look at that," she says, shoving the watch in my face, "I have time."

"Fine but don't interrupt me."

"My lips are sealed."

"It started when Eli came around. The minute he came into her life, Julia fell in love. Eli loved her too...sometimes I think that he still does," I say. The words fell from my mouth and I felt dirty. I had a feeling that Eli still had a thing for Julia. Why was I letting him show affection towards me when it was only synthetic? I feel like a whore. I like it when I'm with him. I'm not trying to stop him when he kisses me. I guess I can handle this disgusting feeling. I let out a huge breathe, releaving some of my stress and nervously tuck a piece of hair behind my ear.

"He had this...this strange obsession with me. Whenever she wasn't around, he would try to touch me and kiss me. I always stopped him but he got so angry. Eli's romantic stunts usually work on everyone but I didn't want him and he couldn't take it," my voice began to quaver a little as I remembered that sad time in my life. Fiona looked at me, her mouth slightly agape.

"He told Julia that I tried to kiss him. Julia started spreading rumors that I was a whore and Alli stopped talking to me," I finish, wrapping it up in a way that didn't seem so hard.

"But shouldn't you be mad at Eli for spreading the rumor?" Fiona asks.

"I really should but there is something about Eli. He really regrets it...you know? He's apologized countless times. It's just easier to forget," I reply.

"Well if it's so easy to forgive Eli. Why don't you forgive Alli and Julia?"

"I just can't! Julia was my best friend. She knew how much I went through. She knew that I was already in a bad place but she disregarded it just for a boy. At least Eli didn't know about my past. He couldn't bring any of it up in our arguments but Julia had that type of power and she could hurt me. She _**did **_hurt me."

"Did I miss something? You were always the happiest in our group. You would literally twirl around in your sundresses everyday," Fiona says.

"Things changed."

"What changed?"

"Do you have to be so damn persistent? My mom died...okay! She left and I lost my voice for an entire year! I couldn't even scream her name when I cried at night. I've tried to kill myself. I have scars up and down my arm," I yell, lifting my sleeve up to showcase them. A silence fills the room and Fiona looks at me with a distant look in her eyes.

"Look...I'm sorry but my life is in a good place. I have fun with Eli and I don't want to complicate things. I don't want to hurt anymore and Eli is helping me."

"I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be rude. I just thought that when I came here...everything would go back to normal. I could get a fresh start with some old friends. You know it isn't easy being bisexual. It's that hardest thing I've ever had to do but I'm looking for the same thing as you. I just want to be happy too."

"A fresh start...I think we can do that. You know it's not to late to bow out. I lost two friends...I can lose another."

"No way, we're in this together."

"I knew it!" Eli calls from the front door. I jump slightly and through a ball of socks his way.

"What did you know, Jerk?"

"You guys are 'in this together'. You're in a lesbian relationship!" Eli yells. Fiona and I burst out laughing.

"Not even in your wildest dreams," Fiona spits out.

"Are you sure about that?" Eli jokes.

"Gross...that's my sister, dude," Declan growls, punching Eli in the shoulder.

"Exactly _**your**_sister not mine."

"Ugh, Fiona can you hang out with these idiots while I take a shower?"

"If I can handle one my entire life, I could handle another."

"I promise I won't take long," I say over my shoulder as I walk out the room.

"Can I join you?" Eli asks.

"No way in hell."

"I want to go to the rose garden to see how you landscaped yours," I hear Fiona suggest as I walk to the bathroom down the hall.

"Sure thing Princess Coyne and would you like some tea with that demand?" is the last thing I hear before I step into the bathroom. I turn on the water and quickly shed my clothes. I hiss when I hop into the shower and scolding hot water hits my back. After adjusting it to the right temperature, I start my routine.

I began to think about what Fiona said to me. There was no way that I could forgive Julia because she went too far and didn't apologize. When I think about it, Alli never really did much so she has nothing to apologize for. Maybe it would be easier to forgive her. I miss having Alli around and it would make me happier if I was surrounded by people that I love. Suddenly, I hear the door open. Goosebumps rise on my skin as I think of all the scary movies where characters get killed in the shower. _**Why didn't I lock the door! Why didn't I lock the door! I'm going to die! I'm going to die! **_I softly chant in my head.

"Who is it?" I ask in a shaky voice and almost cried when the person hesitated to reply.

"I'm sorry Ms. Edwards, I just came to pick up your dirty clothes and throw them in the washer. Is that alright?"

"Oh thank god," I mumble to myself.

"Yes, that's fine and thank you," I reply, hearing the door close a couple of minutes after. What kind of person walks into the bathroom when you're showering? At least it wasn't a murderer. When I'm done with my routine, I turn off the water and step out the shower only to realize that I left the clothes I set out for myself in the other room.

I peeked my head out the door hoping that Fiona or one of the maids was around so they could fetch my clothes but no one was there. Realizing that the cost was clear at the room was only down the hall, I dried myself as quick as possible and wrapped the towel around my body. I looked out the door once more and decided that it was safe to run to the room. When I was half way there, I here voices in the distance. Picking up my pace, I zoomed to the guest room. Once I was inside, I sighed in relief and dropped my head against the closed door.

"That was a close one," I whisper to myself, quickly dropping the towel.

"What was a close one?" a smug voice said from in front of me. I hesitantly opened my eyes (I don't even remember when I closed them) and noticed Fiona, Declan and Eli sitting on the bed...right in front of my naked body. Without a word I grabbed the towel and wrapped it back around my body. _**This was worse than the possibility of getting murdered in the shower.**_


	30. Chapter 30

**Thought I was dead? Well I'm not. So so so so so happy ith Eclare right now. Although that kiss was spontaneous, it was needed. Enjoy this chapter and the possibility for a double update... O.O What can I say? I'm in the giving mood :) Review**

I couldn't count the number of times my heart has beat since the minute I developed a heart until now. It's an involuntary thing that happens...something that isn't within my grasp. However, I can count how many times my heart beats faster around Eli. I just have to count all the times we have been in each other's prescence because that's how it begins. It never fails that when I'm around Eli, he makes my heart beat faster.

A heart beats pace can increase for a variety of reasons. It can be for lust, for anger, for excitement but in my case, it was because of embarrasment. Not the kind of embarrassment you get when you yell out the wrong answer in class but the utter demorilization kind of embarrassment.

I have high respect towards my body. It's always covered. I don't just wear clothes that are too big because it's a force of habit. My body is the only thing I have left. My father has been brutally ripped from my side by my music teacher, my sister is off with her new male conquest, my heart is no where to be found, and my sanity flew out of my mind long ago. I'm falling apart but I thought my body was mine...something that I couldn't lose without my own permission. I feel like I still have it but ever since Eli saw me a couple of days ago, I feel like my grip on myself has loosened. He seen me at my most vulnerable stage. He has power over me now. He's seen and heard to much to be torn away from me. From that moment on, I knew that getting away from Eli wouldn't be easy.

"Hello Juliet," his voice says from behind me and I jump. Who wouldn't? I can feel his hands wrap around my waist and for once I don't lean into his touch. Has he imagined his skin on my bare body? Does he think that this will change things? Was my body just another one that he could look at? I felt a shiver that was similar to the ones I would get in the first week that I met Eli. The shivers that made me feel violated and unsafe. Eli places a soft kiss on my shoulder. His lips give off heat that crawls down my arms and across by chest until it got rid of all the shivers in my body. It's so potent that it starts boiling in my stomach and suddenly I'm safe...secure. I could do anything...jump off the empire state building and survive...swallow glass...walk on water. Then I realize the contradiction of my feelings, safe and unsafe, vulnerable and unstoppable and I began to feel tried...physically and emotionally.

"We're in school," I remind him, trying to be strong but even I heard my voice shake. He turns me around and looks me in the eyes. I can see the worry in his but I tried to ignore it. I wasn't a damsel in distress...I didn't need to be saved. He put his fingers on my neck and I was on fire.

"No one is here; it's really early," he mumbles, the worried look erasing and being replaced by one of complete sexual attraction. He leans in and I do too. His lips are on mine and he tastes the same but different. Maybe I'm the one who tastes different. Maybe my lips have just changed what his are made of. He kisses me fast and I keep up the pace. I've leared over the past couple of weeks. His lips are soft and full, not too full to drown you but full enough to fit my own. I wrap my arms around his neck and bring his body closer to mine. He is strong and sculpted and he fits into my body. I'm warm and noticed. I'm no longer fading away. Then his lips move, they reach my cheek and I now where they are headed. They will move down my cheek, towards my neck and bury themselves in the crook of my neck and shoulder. He will bare his teeth, bite into my neck and suck the thoughts out of my mind. He will claim me as his and I will let him. I will let him have part of my body without really wanting it. He could get rid of me tomorrow but I will have the mark of his teeth on my neck until it fades. It will fade eventually but it will take longer. I push him away deciding that I didn't want to be a part of his routine.

"I don't give a fuck if no one is in the school, get your fucking lips off my neck," I whisper, sounding like a caged bear. I don't know why I was so angry but I didn't want him near me anymore. It was like my body was rejecting medication becuase that's what Eli was...medication. He fought off all my fears and insecurities. He was always present and even if he wasn't, I could ask him to be present and he would do it. I was just angry. I was giving Eli everything that I fought so hard to keep. I was metaphorically putting all my money in his bank. Eli was a medicine and I was afraid of addiction. There wasn't an Eli rehab...if my drug was taken away I would have to deal with the repercussions.

"Clare, what's wrong?"

"Why are you here?" I ask.

"It's school...I kind of have t-"

"Eli, this isn't time for one of your jokes. You know what I mean."

"No, actually...I really don't," Eli seriously says, his voice bordering angry. He stared at me with that fire in his eyes and I suddenly didn't want him here. I wanted him far away from me...I didn't want to know his name.

"Do you only want me for my body?"

I knew why Eli was with so many girls...virgins or not. He only had one thing on his mind. Eli took sex casually, even more casually than other boys. He just thought of instant gratification. I didn't want to be his next conquest. I thought I could handle that way Eli talks to girls but I can't. Around him, it's hard to tell the difference between what's real and what's not. Does he really like me or does he know just the right words to say? Does he even know what love is? Is he so rehearsed that he actually starts feeling his script?

"Clare..." but he's at a loss of words. I threw a fast ball...one that he couldn't catch and throw back. I'm sure no girl has stepped back and realized just how hard she's falling for him. His silence told me his true intentions. I was only there for his satisfaction, nothing more, nothing less. I wasn't going to let myself be used. My emotions will not be played. I don't have to fall back, I could rise up and that's just what I did as I walked away ignoring the empty feeling in my chest. I was in homeroom way before the bell was due to ring.

**After Homeroom-**

There's a lot of things that I've seen on my way to English after homeroom. One time, I even saw a girl throw her shoe at a boy. Nothing should surprise me at Degrassi. I wouldn't be surprised if a car ran through the window and ran over one of the students...purposely. However this...this surprised me. She was tall, around 5'8", with long brown curly locks. Her nose curled up perfectly and her lips were full enough to be mistaken for fake. Her eyes were a golden brown and her skin was a perfect tan. She was pretty enough to model...in fact, I'm sure she did. She was decked out in all the name brands. She was everything I wasn't. I wouldn't have noticed her if she hadn't let out a laugh. The sound that came out her body when she laughed sounded like a billion angels singing in harmony. The guys looked at her with want and the girls looked at her enviously. Her head was tossed back when she laughed and her curls bounced with every shake of her body. I wasn't surprised at her beauty. There would always be beautiful girls in the world. I was surprised at the boy standing next to her. The familiar smirk was plastered on his face. His hand was playing with one of her curls as he leaned against the locker that I assumed was next to hers.

Then I felt a twist in my chest. This scene was familiar...I was used to it. I couldn't understand what was different. Eli always had girls pining over him...he was Eli after all. He always pretended to have complete interest in them. Maybe it was the fact that I just canceled our future makeout meetings for good. He was just using me for my body...I knew that but why was this scene so different? Why wasn't her laugh settling properly in my mind? My throat was dry and I felt like rivers of water couldn't diminish this thirst. I guess I expected him to run next to me again. He never gave up on me before. I guess I was wrong. This was what I wanted...right? I blinked hard, trying to clear my mind and body of everything Eli but my problems wouldn't go away with the blink of an eye. I felt someone bump into me and that's when I realized that I was still standing in the same spot...everybody was still rushing past me...Eli was still with that gorgeous girl. I swallowed, trying not to choke and started walking. I was walking slower than usual...it was like my feet were heavier than the rest of my body but I made it to my next class. I always did.

**Eli's Point Of View-**

I saw her out of the corner of my eye. She was just standing there, blatantly staring at me and this girl. Jessica?..no it was Jenny?..Justina?..Josephina? All I knew was that it started with a J. She looked at us, a pained expression on her face. I was used to girls looking at me with that same look but this time it felt different. I felt like running next to her and wiping the pain off her face. It was her fault that we were going through with this. This is what she wanted...this is what I was giving her.

I looked at J girl and I saw her toss her head back. That was the sixth time she did that...I started talking her five minutes ago. Nothing I could've said would be funny enough for someone to laugh that much. She was hot, with a body that my hands wouldn't mind to be on but she was so fake that I felt like they should tie her in a box and sell her as a Barbie. When I looked back at Clare, she was walking away, so slow that I was afraid she would collapse at any moment. I had an urge to make sure she got to class okay but I realized that wasn't my job anymore.

"Listen Jayla-"

"It's Jacquelina," she says. _I would have never been able to guess that. _I felt like opening my empty hands and asking her to count how many fucks I give.

"Whatever...I have to get to class so I'll see you around," I say. She nods. There was no way we'd ever come into contact again. I felt a little bit off since my talk with Clare. It was like something was missing. When I left class, my mind told me that I had left something behind. It was a knawing feeling that ate away at my stomach. My fingers felt empty and they tingled like they needed to touch something or grab something before it fell. My anxiety was through the roof. I was trying to evaluate my feelings but I couldn't think straight without my mind running back to the outline of Clare's eyes or the way she bit her lip. I felt like a creep for thinking about a girl who obviously wasn't going to fall for my act.

"Yo bro, what's up?" He ran next to me, wearing so much cologne that I would probably be able to distinguish him if I was blindfolded in a crowd of millions of people. Declan was a very obnoxious character, I only had to hang out with him because of Clare but now that she's gone, I didn't have to worry about him. The only thing this boy talked about was girls, cars, and all the money he has. I knew I had money but I didn't go around announcing it. He was the kind of guy that would have no friends if he was broke. However, I understand how he gets so much female attention. He seemed to be a lot cooler around the ladies than he was around the male species.

"The sky."

"Who was that girl you were talking too?" Declan asks, watching her hips sway as she walked away then staring back at me. I roll my eyes towards him then try my best to remember her name again...curse me and my short term memory. Jacinta? Jessie? Jerasic Park?

"Some J girl. You can have her if you want?"

"No that's okay. I have my eyes on another girl. She's got way more personality than that girl."

"So who's the girl?" I ask, even though I was far from interested. It was better to hear him rant about a girl than having to walk for the next minute in completely awkward silence.

"Why don't you take a guess?"

"Or you can just tell me who this girl is and I wouldn't have to go down the list of all the girls I know?"

"Let me narrow it down. She's friends with Fiona."

"Great...you dropped a total of ten girls out of the entire school that don't talk to Fiona."

"I mean she knows Fiona well...as in, they're like best friends."

"I don't know...Alli."

"It's Clare, you dumbass."

Suddenly, my ears stopped listening to everything that was coming out of Declan's mouth. He was talking so enthusiastically and his lips were moving at the speed of light. Did he intend to hurt her on my watch? Did he think he could hold her like I did? She could never get anything better than me. She can't like him...she doesn't like him. He was never a factor in this equation so why did he want to be a part of it now. My ears slowly regained there purpose.

"She just has a body that I want to kiss all over. She'd probably scream my name so loud that-"

I didn't know why I did it. My hands had a mind of there own. They were already tingling and his words just made them tingle more. How could he want Clare? Couldn't he tell that she was _**mine**_? The problem is...I couldn't help but do it again. I punched Declan Coyne in the face twice and wouldn't mind doing it again.


	31. Chapter 31

**Gosh I've been wanting to upload this chapter for forever but school was keeping me so busy...Ugh. It's a great thing it's over. And I forgot my password to my account but that's all solved as well. That means regular updates. I loved all of your reviews :) I would love some more. 200? Over? **

Looking down, the large black object seemed foreign. However, when I sat down, I felt at home once again. Placing my fingers over the keys was the most difficult part. I felt like I had betrayed it as a blanket of dust began to lay on the fingers that came in contact with the object. My fingers smoothed over the white bars, trying not to get caught in the gaps. I didn't want to disturb the silence I had found. It hadn't been this way in a long time. Silence was something that haunted me for the past year. It always hung around my lips, trapping anything that had the audacity to attempt escape. When you're life becomes as suspenseful as mine, silence becomes of blessing. It's how you know your alone. Alone...no one ever wants to be alone. I'm alone. But, the silence isn't engulfing me like it used to, instead it's hugging me. Wrapping me into myself. Leading me down the path I want to go. Their are no voices to drag my thoughts across the ocean. It's just me and my piano. Bringing me to a place that only I know. One gentle touch and the silence starts dancing with a new companion. The noise rises in the room like mist, enveloping everything in its path. A few more touches and I'm back. The breathe that I didn't know I had been holding in is released. I'm familiar. New emotions aren't trying to suffocate me. It's just music. Simple and elegant. Me. I breathe. The air around me seems fresh, it isn't so formal anymore. I don't taste the sweat of lies in the back of my throat. Peace. Then a loud thud makes my fingers jerk against the keys. A loud, unrehearsed noise is released from the machine. Silence and sound got into an argument, the dance is no longer as sensual and close as before. So I turn around and looked for the person who tried to interrupt the string of hums that were trying to vacuum out all the negativity from my day.

"Clare?" an uncertain voice was calling out for me. I want to answer but I can't stop my fingers from shaking. The day was really tearing away at me and I was physically exhausted. I hoped this could be my escape. Escape isn't that simple...is it ever. Yet hope sunk under the dust on my fingertips. Hopefully what had to be said by this person would be quick. There's still time to fly away.

"This is she."

I try to keep anger from dripping into my words. With Eli gone, I was supposed to be worry free. No longer will his scent linger on my clothes. No longer will the aftershock of his recent touch make me feel so disgusted with my body. I don't like holding grudges against many people and I refuse to hold one against myself. I am my mother's daughter and that's enough reason for me to love myself. No one will ruin that. No one _**can **_ruin that.

"Thank God, Eli is not a good place."

Adam rushes to my side, and despite the clarity in his voice, I could tell he was on the verge of breaking. He hides his hands in his pocket. He seemed almost too calm. However, the air around him was filled with anxiousness. It was almost like it displayed the future of the two of us. We were running out of the basement and right into the hurricane. He was ready for my response so we could get going. Of course, he _**expected**_ me to go with him immediately.

"Why should I leave? He doesn't care if I'm there. The only thing he wants is...me. The me he can touch and hear. Not the me he can feel and listen to. Adam, I'm not willing to give him my body. I have too much respect for myself."

I speak fluently, almost as if it was scheduled. In a way, it was. I was just waiting for someone to ask me to stand by Eli. Because a woman should always stand behind a man. The man takes the battles and the woman waits back to catch him. She can provide him with a couple of hours of lustful sex to take his mind off of everything. Why did I have to fit in everyone's description of myself? I could fight my own battles. My purpose in life wasn't to be a sex toy.

"Right now, Eli needs you."

"And right now, I want to play a little bit of piano and go to bed."

This time, I let the anger bubble to the surface. Why did he have to be so persistent? Eli doesn't need me. He's never needed me. He can find another whore to lay in his bed for him because that's what I was...what I am. A whore. I was the one who wanted to kiss the boy I despised in secrecy. Eli would have fabricated a fake relationship to make me happy but I was the one who kept it secret. I wanted the thrill. I did it. But I won't do it anymore because I wasn't common and I wouldn't let anyone treat me as such.

"Clare stop being selfish, Eli-"

"I'm not selfish. Eli doesn't under-"

"Don't interrupt me! I'm not another person that you can silence, Clare. I'm not scared of words. They've been thrown at me my entire life and trust me, nothing will sway me."

Adam's calm demeanor is gone. His hand is out of his pocket and a finger is pointed at my face. Any sign of femininity on Adam's body was completely erased. He was a complete and angry man. I wanted to yell back but I had never seen Adam like this. His face is usually rounded with sweetness. He is always a level headed mind that knew exactly what to do. Anger is for people who panic. Adam never panicked...until now.

"Clare, you are being unreasonable. I really don't care why you're so against visiting Eli. No matter what he did, he doesn't deserve this. Sure, he's a complete ass. He knows that. But he was there for you whenever you broke down...even if he was the reason you broke down in the first place. He's calling out for safety. He needs help. He needs us."

His face broke back into its original softness. For a second it even looked vulnerable. Easily broken. But his seriousness returned and he stuffed his hands back into his pockets. _**He needs us. **_It had finally sunk in. I was always the one asking and questioning things. Eli was always the one with the answers. The minute he couldn't give me an answer...I ran away. It was his turn to ask the questions, but I escaped before he even let the words fall out his lips. This was Eli. He was broken. He needed me. My Eli needed consoling, if I couldn't give that to him, who was I? What was my purpose? I couldn't be the one who was broken all the time. I couldn't always be the one who needed to be put together. It was at the moment that I started to analyze why I had cut things off. I stated to truly understand it. I wasn't afraid of Eli using me. I already knew that he hurt girls. It was what had dragged me away at first. It wasn't my fear of his lack of commitment. I was afraid that I was falling...hard. That I wouldn't be able to pick up the pieces. I thought that I was too broken to fix myself and everyone else. I was a coward. Then it finally sunk in deep. Adam panicking was wrong. Something was wrong. Something was wrong with _**my Eli**_.

"Oh my god. What's wrong with him Adam?"

The anxiety had set in and suddenly Adam became the support again. He grabbed my hand tightly and pulled me into a hug. I couldn't cry. I wasn't going to cry. I was supposed to be strong. Strong for Eli. Strong for myself. Breaking was out of the question. I just breathed deeply into Adam's shoulder.

"He's not physically hurt. He's just a little...rattled up."

"What do you mean by a little rattled up?"

Adam broke our hug and looked at me grimly. I could tell he was contemplating the way that he would tell me. I grew impatient as his inner battle continued. What was so bad that he had to consider telling me?

"Adam just spit it out. You're killing me," I mumble exasperatedly. Adam sighs, forgetting the mental war and taking my hand. He looks me straight in the eye and by the look in his, I knew he was just going to rip the band aid off. I planted my feet in the ground and prepared myself for what he had to say.

"He hasn't spoken or eaten anything since he got into that fight with-"

"What fight? Why did he get into a fight? Adam, you said he wasn't hurt!"

"He didn't! He escaped with a couple of scratches and bruises. He looks the same. What's more important is his emotional state. He's been looking at a wall with no expression for the past 30 or more hours. You'll understand why I'm so stressed when you see him. Now let's go, Drew's outside."

"I thought Drew hated Eli?" I questioned as Adam grabbed my hand and dragged me out my basement in a rush. Adam looks back at me as he winds down another hallway.

"He does but Drew loves me. If I can forgive, so can he."

I wish forgiveness was as easy for me as it was for Adam. He was so strong that he took ridicule as reasons to push on. Adam was an inspiration. I've spent the past five months blocking everyone out but Adam was one of the only people who could push through my tough shell. Along with Eli...and that's why I needed to help out as much as I could. That's why I didn't flinch at Adam's tight grip. That's why I didn't complain about how hot it was when I reached outside. I didn't sneer at the horrible rap music Drew was blasting through his speakers. I even ran up Eli's long staircase, ignoring the cry that my legs made.

There was a ball of clothes right by Eli's room and I wondered if they were supposed to be there. As I got closer to the ball, I almost had a heart attack when it fidgeted a little. I walked towards the ball, realizing that it wasn't a ball at all. It was a curled up boy. Mufasa. I crouched in front of him. If he noticed me, he didn't show it. He just stayed in that ball by the door.

"Mufasa, can you look at me?"

He hesitated at first but after a couple of stirs, he lifted his head. What I saw wasn't a relief. Mufasa had wet trails staining his cheeks. There was a pain in his eyes that looked deeper than a couple of hours. I looked towards Eli's door and judged whether I should take care of him first or Mufasa. After a couple seconds, I sat down and pulled Mufasa into my lap. He curled up into my lap as I rocked him back and forth for a couple of seconds. I didn't know how to start the comforting. I never really had to comfort anyone. Luckily, Mufasa started.

"He won't look at me Clare. He doesn't want to talk. He doesn't want to eat. What's wrong with him? He's never like this."

"It going to be alright. I'm going to talk to him right now and everything is going to be fine."

I didn't know if I was trying to convince Mufasa or myself. I had come here with every intention to help Eli but what if I couldn't? If his parents couldn't do anything then why did I believe I could? I wasn't a miracle worker. I wasn't special. What if I couldn't do anything? What if I made him even more blocked out than before? That's when everything kicked in. There wasn't room for mistake. I wasn't going to leave that room without helping Eli. I was determined.

"Are you positive?"

"Yes."

And I was. There was nothing that was going to stop me. Eli was used to getting rid of his girls easy but I wasn't another girl. He couldn't keep me away. I wasn't going to let him fall. He is going to be the regular self-centered prick that he always was when I'm through with him. Mufasa got off my lap, wiping his wet cheeks. I took that as a signal to go inside. I put my had on the knob of the door and let out a deep breathe. Here it goes.

He was sitting there as I expected. Nothing was unfamiliar so far. He hadn't moved but that could be because he was lost in thought. I walked closer but he didn't turn to greet me. Eventually, I shook off my curiosity and sat down in front of him. That's when I saw what everyone was afraid about. I could see his chest rise and fall but he looked lifeless. I've seen that look before. His eyes had layers and layers of emptiness piled on top of each. His lips weren't twirled into any expression. They were just straight. His hair was everywhere but the places it was supposed to be. There was no sign of recognition as I sat in front of him. There was nothing. Suddenly, the task seemed more arduous than ever. He wasn't looking or hearing. He was lost. How was I going to get him to talk.

"Eli."

A soft whisper, it was all I could manage to do at the moment. Maybe if he heard me, he would be okay. But nothing happened. He just sat there, continuing to look at me. His eyes added a hint of stress into the air as he stared me down. His eyes weren't moving at all. He didn't even blink. I reach out for his hand. There wasn't any sense of movement in them besides the movement that I had forced. My heart started thumping harder. What was wrong with him? Why won't he respond?

"Eli," I mumble a little more anxiously but there was still no response. I was starting to wonder why I had doubted Adam earlier. This was obviously very extreme. I started to realize that the way Adam was panicking wasn't sufficient enough. He was still probably the most level headed of all of us. My hands started to shake but he still didn't reply. Words weren't going to help me. I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his temple. His skin was hot and soft against my lips. As I backed away, I was happy to see that his eyes were following me. They had gained a little bit of life.

"What's wrong Eli?" I spoke softly, still gripping his hands. I poured affection into my words. Everything that I was feeling. Eli continued to be unresponsive. I placed my lips against his but there still wasn't a physical response. I brought my face back. I didn't know if I was imagining things but I was almost positive that something had flickered in his eyes. And that's when it happened. It was a low mumble, unintelligible, but there. I leaned in closer to his lips but by then, the sentence was over.

"What did you say Eli?"

I hoped that he wasn't going to be dragged back into unresponsiveness. There's a quick second before everything unraveled. It was peaceful and quiet. Then I feel his grip on my fingers tighten. Tighten harder than they usually would. It hurt but I was happy to see a response. The fire was ignited in his eyes and his grip tightened even more. It felt like my circulation was getting cut off.

"Why do you like him?" he growled violently. The words almost seemed painful as they slipped out his mouth. It was like he was having trouble releasing them. They were hard like rocks and sharp like knives. His mouth curled into a frown and although the change in facial expression was a relief, anger wasn't any better than empty.

"Who Eli?"

"Pretty Boy."

At first I didn't know who he was talking about. Who was Pretty Boy? It would help if he was a little bit more descriptive. Then I realized who it was. I had seen him in the nurse's office before I left school on Friday. He had a badly bruised eye and a busted lip. Had Eli gotten into a fight with Declan? Why would they get into a fight?

"Why aren't you answering me?" he yelled, squeezing my hands harder. I felt his skull ring digging into my hand and I flinched a little. I looked at Eli in the eye and he looked deathly. I even got scared a little.

"Eli, I don't like Declan-"

"You're lying, you bitch," Eli's words were harsh. This wasn't Eli that I was talking to. It couldn't be. He had never gotten this angry with me. I didn't even know why he was angry at me. This wasn't Eli. He was possessed by something much darker. His grip got so tight that the ring cut a piece of skin and was currently digging into the sensitive flesh of my hand. A couple of tears started to pour out the corner's of my eyes from the pain.

"Eli, you're hurting me," I shakily whisper. Eli looks down at our intertwined hands and quickly released them when he saw the blood. His face turned sickly pale when he looked back up at me. Soon, the anger returned and his teeth clenched again.

"Clare, get Cece. Tell her to bring my medication."

What medication was he talking about? Eli never mentioned that he was sick. I debated whether or not I should stay. Then I recalled the seriousness in his voice. He needed his medication. I was here to help him, not to soothe myself. So I ran outside the room and yelled for Cece. She came up right away, already carrying the medication. Mufasa was a curled up by the door, crying even more when he saw my bloody hand. I quickly ran into the bathroom to wash away the blood. I panicked when I saw it. I haven't cut in a while. Did this count? I brushed away that feeling and covered it in a band aid before running back to Eli's room. Eli had already taken the medication when I returned. He was in his blanket, drowsily looking around the room. Cece looked at me as she tucked him deeper into his blanket.

"Clare, I think you should leave. He's very unstable at the moment," her voice was shaking. I could tell that she had been crying. She looked at Eli and let out a deep breathe. I stayed where I was standing. I wasn't going to leave.

"I'm not leaving."

"Clare-"

"I'm not trying to disrespect you Cece but Eli needs me and I'm not leaving."

She looked ten years older as she looked at me. She gave me a weak smile, before putting a hand on my cheek and departing. I looked at Eli. His eyes were still open but he looked lost in space. I slowly walked to his bed. I curled up next to him on his silky blanket. My hands started playing with strands of his hair. He let out a deep breathe.

"That feels good."

That was all that he said. It was silent for a long time. So silent in fact that I could hear his breathing slowing down. I could tell he was close to falling asleep. He looked a lot more peaceful than before. My heart had slowed down to its regular pace. My Eli had returned. His eyes closed and for a minute, I thought he was asleep. He suddenly grabbed my wounded hand. He didn't intend to hurt me this time as he placed my hand on his stomach. He started to outline the band aid softly. His eyes were still closed but his face curled into a small smile.

"I'm in love with you Clare."


	32. Chapter 32

**200 reviews! You guys are amazing! Woot! Woot! More reviews would be even more spectacular. **

He was asleep before his words actually reached my mind. When they were first released, I had only heard noise. A few letters were thrown together to make words that would join other words and make a sentence. It was simple grammar. He was speaking a familiar language. But when I heard them, my mind took a while to actually begin the process of comprehension. I took sometime to chop the sentence into words I could understand. 'I'm' for example, was clearly leading to a description of some sort. Then there was 'in' which was obviously leading to a location. Words like that were common. They were used everyday. In fact, there was probably an endless supply of those words stored in the back of everyone's mouth. Then I reached the word 'love'. It took me a couple of minutes but I realized that the words couldn't be physically dissected further. For instance, I couldn't split it up into 'lo' and 've'. It was one four letter word, never given a true definition in the dictionary. Of course, there were book definitions but they never captured the true essence. It was the most simple yet utterly complex word to roam the Earth. It took me years to even believe that it existed and wasn't invented by a lonely fool seeking companionship. Once, I devoted a full day to analyze that word, I settled upon the idea that it was very versatile. It was different for everyone. Based on their definitions. However, that didn't help me. I didn't know what love truly meant but I knew it is the strongest emotion there is. It survives anything. To me, love can only be felt once. With your soul mate. Eli claims that he loves me but he loved Julia as well. It was hard to realize how that was possible. It seemed unfathomable that a person can have more than one soul mate. Then again, you might have to examine a couple of rocks before you find a diamond. But that would mean that he cared for me more than he cared for Julia and that seemed like a long stretch. Eli and I aren't even official, let alone on speaking terms. Constant arguing isn't a true foundation for love. He could have been taking the words casually. Eli has been through a few ladies. Maybe after years of using it as a maneuver into a girl's pants, it started to mean less and less to him. The only other explanation was that he was so doped up on medication that he would probably fall in love with a pole if it had been placed in front of him at that exact moment.

So I had a couple of options. I could leave while I get the chance, avoid the awkward conversation and try to salvage any piece of friendship that we had left or sit here and wait until he wakes up so we could talk about it. I didn't know how I felt about Eli. What I had with him could not be compared with what I have had with any other boy. That might be because there were no other boys. He was the first to ever hold me the way he did. Sure, I had a crush on Jake but it never got any further than that. I knew that I didn't love Eli just yet but something told me that I could. Maybe someday in the future I will open myself up to the idea of loving Eli. Right now however, that was impossible. He was clearly keeping something from me and if that's the case, I can't return his feelings. Love and trust go hand and hand. Nothing is more important. I didn't know how to love. I hadn't really seen it in real life besides within the relative line. Sure, I had seen people that had fooled themselves into thinking that they were in love but I hadn't seen a true earthshaking love.

What would I say when he woke up? It's not like I can just tell him that I don't love him. That would be heart breaking. He's probably already ashamed that he broke down in front of me. I didn't want to crush him. Why couldn't I comfort him? It's so simple. All I would have to do is hold him for a while, show him that he wasn't alone. But it isn't that simple. He demands an answer. He deserves an answer. 'I love you' isn't a statement, it's a question. When those words are released the first thing that the person who spoke them is looking for is a response. I finally gained enough courage to attempt escape. He's been through enough today, he doesn't need to worry about anything else. However, just as I was about to leave, there was a rustling in the bed.

"Clare?"

The voice was calling out for me. Asking me to stay. To heal. I couldn't run. Why would I run? That would be selfish. I was going to leave because I couldn't deal with seeing a broken Eli but I had already seen him at his worse. Me leaving would only ease myself. Eli would still be hurt. I turned, hoping to call upon the courage I had earlier. Eli was sitting in his bed, one hand propped in the back of his head. Even in his drowsy state, he looked irresistible. I slowly walked towards the bed, sitting down softly. Eli moved a little and his arm hit my back, sending jolts of electricity through my body.

"I...are...so...um,"

It was hard to formulate a sentence. I wasn't even sure I was supposed to start a conversation. He looked down at me and all I could think was that maybe silence was what we needed. I knew silence wasn't going to answer any of the questions in my mind but, it wasn't about me. It was about Eli. Or maybe it was about both of us. How was I supposed to speak when I couldn't even get my thoughts in order?

Eli's lips twitched a little before twirling into a smile. My initial thought was that he was insane...completely deranged. However, as the smile remained on his face, I felt the need to smile too. He was contagious...intoxicating. He was everything and anything. I was scared beyond my mind, my body, even my soul. How could I be so attached to another human being? I didn't know everything about him...I wasn't even trying too. I just wanted that smile to stay on his lips forever. I didn't want reality to reach us. I just wanted him and I to stay there forever. I wanted that light feeling in my chest to remain the same for the rest of my life. For a brief second, I thought that I would float away. Then, I realized that that defied gravity but maybe Eli and I could do that. Maybe we could go against science and float away together.

"You're still here."

It came out as a statement...almost like reassurance. Why would I leave when I was most needed? He _**needed**_ me as much as I _**needed**_ him. The words hang in the air like an old man's last breathe. I was still here. I will always be here.

"Where else would I be?"

It was a question for the both of us. I couldn't be anywhere else and feel this good. Eli was my shelter. He was the only person that could make me feel this warm. This unsettling feeling in my stomach was only around him. Eli _**was**_ an addiction but not in a bad way. I don't think about my mother or my father's impending marriage around Eli. I could barely think at all around Eli. Instead, I speak from my heart. My thoughts aren't there to act as a barrier.

Eli looks down at my bandaged hand and his smirk drops like a boulder being pushed of a precipitous hill. His fingers shakily make their way over to the band aid. He outlines the band aid with his finger, refusing to meet my eye again. I can hear the breathe he sucks in. I can almost feel the anxiety coursing through his body.

"I did this."

It wasn't a question. It was more of an announcement. He knew he did it...sure he hit rock bottom but he hadn't lost his memory. Eli's eyes come back to mine and they're ice cold. He wasn't directing them to me, more or so to himself but I for some reason I was starting to feel for him. Everything he went through, I felt myself. Of course, I could only feel a fraction of what he's going through. His eyes sent a chill down my spine and I could feel something with a frost like temperature pull away from my spine and reach for every vein in my body. The cold broke out, devouring me from the inside out. I started to wonder that if this was a small percent of what he's going through then I was obviously delusional when I thought that no one had ever felt what I have had to feel most of my life. Eli has scars that are so deeper than what I had imagined. To think that he had been able to hide it so well was starting to make me believe that maybe I was too lost in my own pain to realize anyone else's.

"I hurt you."

I knew Eli was directing the statement towards my cut but part of me felt like he meant it in a much deeper way. Eli's voice was shaky, almost broken to the point were I couldn't take it. How had I been so oblivious to his emotions? If I was sincerely this ignorant, why had I expected him to know what was wrong with me? Eli looks away from me, releasing my hand from his grip. He shifted away a couple of inches. It was like he thought that skin to skin contact would cause me too much pain. To be frank, skin to skin contact _**would**_ cause me much suffering but it wouldn't be physical. I was so attached...it was crazy. When we touch...it's electric and deathly but right now it was needed. I straddled him softly, it wasn't supposed to be sexual. I was just trying to initiate something for once. I needed to show him that our "relationship" wasn't one sided. Eli tried his best to avoid eye contact, he spent time staring at the wall then he stared at the rug but our eyes met. It was inevitable. He put his hands on my hips and looked up at me through his dark lashes. His bottom lips was poked out and his eye brows were knotted giving him an overall cherubic look.

"I'm bipolar."

He was obviously serious but it took me a long time to accept the fact that he was telling the truth. This was Eli. He was a sweet asshole. He never did anything to make anyone believe he was sick. He acted like a normal teenage boy...until today. Sure, he had mood swings but everyone had mood swings. Bipolar disorder was something much deeper. There was much more to it. Things that I didn't know about. Eli was sitting, waiting for a response. I could almost taste the words that were dancing on the tip of his tongue. My mind was tricking me into thinking that anything I was about to say sounded ridiculous and immature. Eli looked at me expectantly. Looking into his eyes, I saw years of struggle. He was an open book, searching for questions to answer. All his cards had been laid onto the table. It was my turn. I tried to make an adequate response but I couldn't think. That's when I decided not to. I closed my eyes and did my best to shut off my already incoherent thoughts. I listened to my heart thump in my ears. I knew this moment was supposed to be serious and tense but with Eli's hands on my hips, I felt at peace. I always feel calmer around him. It's like he radiates rationality.

"I've learned how to cope with my anger but I snap. I break sometimes too. I get sad and angry. I'm not indestructible, Clare. I won't always be there for you. I'm not always calm Eli."

"You're still, Eli. That's all that matters."

It was then that I realized how simple things could be and how complicated I was making them. Eli and I didn't have to be plastic. We were both equally fragile but together we were sturdy. Practically impenetrable. Complete.

"You said some things before you fell asleep and-"

"Can you just completely disregard what I said during this whole situation? I was pretty doped up on medication."

I didn't expect his words to be such a low blow. I had, after all, concluded that the only reason he claimed his love for me was because of his medication but for some reason, it hurt. It was like I wasn't expecting it or as if the fortress I created to protect me was suddenly breaking down piece by piece. Did I honestly believe he could love me? I was Clare. I never dressed in the nicest clothes. In fact, my entire wardrobe only consisted of sweat pants and oversized shirts and sweaters. I had ugly knotted hair and thick glasses. I only had a fraction of the beauty that the girls that Eli talked to had. I was nothing compared to Julia. I had a horrible attitude and was always a stick in the mud. Eli was gorgeous and fun to be around. I fooled myself into believing that I was to noble for him when in reality, it was the other was around. He only held affection towards me because I left him use me without a complaint. With a quick shuffle, I got off of him and straightened my clothes. In Eli's mirror, my reflection stared back at me. Why would he want this? It finally stuck. I knew everything about him. He knew everything about me. Eli didn't want me. I wanted him. He didn't love me. _**I loved him. **_When he told me he loved me, I tried to convince myself that it was too soon but it wasn't. Love came whenever it wanted to. I was just scared and know that I realized that the feeling was mutual, he ripped it away. He wanted to me to forget his little announcement and I would. It was better for the both of us. I only came here to help him and now that I did, I could leave. I had no business with Eli Goldsworthy anymore.

"Oh...okay. I'm just going to leave. I hope you feel better."

I walk towards the door. Every step I took was tearing away at me. All the scars were reopening. I had finally let love in again and it was all a lie. Everything that built me up was breaking me down. I knew this would happen. It always does. I'm always the one to get hurt in the end. I wanted to tell him off. I wanted to hurt him for making me feel this way. I wasn't suppose to believe in love but he opened my eyes to it. We were too wrong for each other. Maybe that's why I kept pushing us together. He could have stopped me. I turned around. I was ready to yell. _**I'm ridiculous. A joke. **_I couldn't stop myself from loving him. It was inevitable. He looks at me, with a confused look on his face. He was probably hoping I'd leave so this could finally be over and he could invite his next girl toy. My feet involuntarily brought me closer and closer to him. I didn't have to guess what was going to happen. I knew. I placed a hand on his neck and let my fingertips trace the outline of his hair. My other hand decided to lay on his cheek. His skin brought heat onto my hands. I felt a warm bubble inside my chest explode into a million pieces that found there way through the rest of my body. I tried to memorize his warmth. His scent. The texture of his skin. Anything. I wished that he could feel the warmth in my chest. To him, I was just another starstruck girl who fell in love with him. He had to know what I was feeling for him. I felt completely vulnerable. Vulnerability wasn't something that could be disguised. He must see it in my face. I pulled his face to mine, letting him breathe in the air I was breathing out. I silently wished that love was contagious and could pass from my body to his but that was impossible. I gently laid my lips on his. Neither of us reacted. I took time to cherish the softness of his lips considering that this was probably our last kiss. I felt like crying but I refused to. This was a happy moment. I finally opened my heart up. Later on tonight I could feel the repercussions of a broken heart but right now I just wanted to feel Eli. As quickly as the moment began, I ended it. I was trying to remember a guy that will quickly forget me. I was pathetic.

"Eli, I want you to be happy for the rest of your life. You have what it takes. You have amazing parents, a sweet brother and loyal friends. You can pull through anything with them by your sides. Don't push them away."

I had to bite my tongue, trying really hard to not confess my sudden love for this boy. I had to fight the tears as I thought about Cece, Bullfrog and Mufasa. I probably wouldn't see them again. I knew I was going to explode soon so I pulled my hands away from his face. I planned on running out of his room but it was like gravity was trying to push us together. I gave him one, probably very sad, look and turned around. The few steps I took towards the door were hard and tiring. About midway, I felt like I was going to collapse.

"Clare, wait."

I wanted to get out. I couldn't hear him apologize for something he didn't do. I was too close to breaking but I loved him and right now, I would jump off of the Empire State Building if he asked me. A couple of tears had already escaped my eyes but I turned nonetheless. Eli was standing a few feet in front of me. He looked conflicted and nervous but prepared. It was almost like he was waiting for this moment.

"I can't have a happy life without you. Clare you're everything to me-"

"Eli-" I couldn't take it.

"Just listen. I'm a coward and a liar. I knew exactly what I said before I fell asleep. It was what I meant to say. Clare, I love you and I don't care how long it takes until the feeling is mutual but mark my words, you will be mine."

"I already love you. I'm already yours."

**Author's Note: Had you going there didn't I? Don't think this story is over...I still have a lot more to come. The rating may change in future chapters. I'm sorry for the wait. I had a severe case of writer's block. I'm going to start a new story soon so be on the look out. I didn't reread this chapter so don't hate me if there are grammatical errors. I love you all. Review :)**


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